The New Production
by LesMisLoony
Summary: COMPLETE. I have randomly forced the characters of Phantom to reenact Les Miserables! Can they do the show and keep their sanity? Those of them that have sanity... Come one and all to see the world's worst ending.
1. Cast of Characters

A/N – I realize that some of you phans may not know Les Misérables. That's okay with me, really it is. I do adore Les Mis, but I also like Phantom a lot. I thought it'd be fun to blend LM and POTO in a different way than the amazing Elyse3 does, and this is my result. Please realize that the cast of characters for LM is infinitely longer than the one for Phantom, so I picked on a few characters and gave them as many roles as I possibly could. Also realize that I like Christine/Raoul, but I like picking on characters even more. Please review and tell me if this is amusing – if not, I'll remove it.

* * *

Valjean- Erik  
  
Javert- Piangi  
  
Farmer- Buquet  
  
Labourer- Buquet  
  
Bishop- Firmin  
  
Constable- Andr  
  
Fantine- Meg  
  
Factory Girl- Carlotta  
  
Foreman- Buquet  
  
Old Woman- Madame Giry  
  
Crone- Madame Giry  
  
Pimp- Madame Giry  
  
Bamatabois- Buquet  
  
Fauchelevant- Firmin  
  
Young Cosette- Piangi  
  
Madame Thénardier- Andr  
  
Thénardier- Firmin  
  
Gavroche- Erik  
  
Old Beggar Woman- Mme Giry  
  
Prostitute- Meg  
  
Pimp- Buquet  
  
Eponine- Christine  
  
Montparnasse- Raoul  
  
Babet- Buquet  
  
Brujon- Madame Giry  
  
Claquesous- Erik  
  
Marius- Raoul  
  
Cosette- Carlotta  
  
Combeferre- Erik  
  
Feuilly- Erik  
  
Courfeyrac- Erik  
  
Enjolras- Erik  
  
Joly- Erik  
  
Grantaire- Erik  
  
Lesgles- Erik  
  
Jean Prouvaire- Erik  
  
Major Domo- Piangi 


	2. Overture

  
_[The lights come up, and a scrim displays the words "Toulon, 1815" as convicts march in behind in a straight line. The convicts are a bunch of random male characters from Phantom along with Erik. A few policemen (extras) march alongside the line, taking any opportunity to physically abuse the nearest prisoner. The convicts are wearing outfits that look rather like dirty burlap sacks. You can tell which one is Erik, because he's the only one wearing a mask.]_  
  
Convicts:  
  
**Look down, look down,  
  
Don't look em in the eye  
  
Look down, look down  
  
You're here until you die  
**  
Firmin:  
  
**The sun is strong  
  
It's hot as hell below**  
  
_[A policeman kicks him over]_  
  
Convicts:  
  
**Look down, look down  
  
There's twenty years to go**  
  
André:  
  
**I've done no wrong  
  
Sweet Jesus hear my prayer**  
  
_[A different policeman threatens him with the butt of his gun]_  
  
Convicts:  
  
**Look down, look down  
  
Sweet Jesus doesn't care**  
  
Raoul: _[looking a little unhappy with his outfit]_  
  
**I know she'll wait  
  
I know that she'll be true**  
  
_[The first policeman just kinda glares at him, and Raoul meekly returns to his work.]_  
  
Convicts:  
  
**Look down, look down  
  
They've all forgotten you**  
  
Reyer:  
  
**When I get free  
  
You won't see me  
  
Ere for dust!**  
  
_[He is not harassed by one of the police]_  
  
Convicts:  
  
**Look down, look down  
  
Don't look em in the eye**  
  
Buquet:  
  
**How long, O Lord  
  
Before you let me die?**  
  
Erik: _[from the back]_ I'll let you die, you old mumblemumble...  
  
Convicts:  
  
**Look down, look down  
  
You'll always be a slave  
  
Look down, look down  
  
You're standing in your grave**  
  
_[Piangi enters, wearing a large hat.]_  
  
Piangi:  
  
**Now bring me prisoner 24601  
  
Your time is up  
  
And your parole begun  
  
You know what that means?**  
  
Erik: _[standing up]  
_  
**Yes, it means I'm free**  
  
Piangi: _[hands him a yellow piece of paper]  
_  
**No! That means you get  
  
Your yellow ticket of leave.  
  
You are a thief!**  
  
Erik:  
  
**I stole a loaf of bread**  
  
Piangi:  
  
**You robbed a house**  
  
Erik:  
  
**I broke a windowpane.  
  
My sister's child was close to death  
  
And we were starving.**  
  
Piangi:  
  
**You will starve again  
  
Unless you learn the meaning of the law!**  
  
Erik:  
  
**I know the meaning of those 19 years  
  
A slave of the law!**  
  
Piangi:  
  
**Five years for what you did  
  
The rest because you tried to run  
  
Yes, 24601!**  
  
Erik:  
  
**My name is Jean Valjean**... Jean Valjean? Psht, my name's Erik Valerik.  
  
Piangi:  
  
**And I'm Javert**... Ha! I get a cool name!  
  
**Do not forget my name  
  
Do not forget me  
  
24601!  
**  
Convicts: _[marching out, leaving Erik Valerik behind.]_  
  
**Look down, look down  
  
You'll always be a slave  
  
Look down, look down  
  
You're standing in your grave...**  
  
_[Erik stands in the middle of the stage, alone and free.]_  
  
Erik:  
  
**Freedom is mine. The earth is still.  
  
I feel the wind. I breathe again  
  
And the sky clears  
  
The world is waking.  
  
Drink from the pool, how clean the taste  
  
Never forget the years, the waste  
  
Nor forgive them  
  
For what they've done  
  
They are the guilty – everyone!  
**  
Hey... I know what this guy's saying.  
  
**The day begins  
  
And now lets see  
  
What this new world  
  
Will do for me!  
**  
_[Buquet enters dressed as a farmer.]_  
  
Buquet: Am I to be all the extras?  
  
Authoress: Yep.  
  
Buquet: _[sighs]_  
  
**You'll have to go!  
  
I'll pay you off for the day  
  
Collect you bits and pieces there  
  
And be on your way!  
**  
Erik:  
  
**You've given me half  
  
What the other men get  
  
This handful of tin  
  
Wouldn't buy my sweat!  
**  
Buquet: _[rushing to a different part of the stage to be the Labour_er]  
  
**You broke the law  
  
It's there for people to see  
  
Why should you get the same  
  
As honest men like me?**  
  
Erik:  
  
**And now I know how freedom feels  
  
The jailer always at you heels  
  
It is the law!  
  
This piece of paper in my hand  
  
That makes me cursed throughout the land  
  
It is the law!  
  
Like a cur  
  
I walk the street  
  
The dirt beneath their feet...  
**  
This Jeanjean fellow thinks he has it tough, try being me for a day! A piece of paper you can hide, but your face...  
  
_[The Bishop of Digne enters]  
_  
Firmin:  
  
**Come in, sir, for you are weary  
  
And the night is cold out there  
  
Though our lives are very humble  
  
What we have, we have to share  
  
There is wine here to revive you  
  
There is bread to make you strong  
  
There's a bed to rest till morning  
  
Rest from pain and rest from wrong  
**  
Erik:  
  
**He let me eat my fill  
  
I had the lion's share  
  
This silver in my hand  
  
Cost twice what I had earned  
  
In all those nineteen years  
  
That lifetime of despair  
  
And yet he trusted me  
  
The old fool**... heh... you're a fool, Firmin!  
  
Firmin: At least I'm not a hideous monster.  
  
Erik: That's arguable.  
  
Authoress: Ahem.  
  
Erik: Right.  
  
**The OLD FOOL trusted me  
  
He'd done his bit of good  
  
I played the grateful serf  
  
And thanked him like I should  
**  
_[Firmin exits]_  
  
**But when the house was still  
  
I got up in the night  
  
Took the silver,  
  
Took... my... FLIGHT!  
**  
I really do feel for this fellow.  
  
_[Erik runs away with Firmin's silver in his bag. He gets about two steps away from the house before a big-hatted constable captures him and drags him back to Firmin.]_  
  
André:  
  
**Tell his reverence your story  
  
Let us see if he's impressed  
  
You were lodging here last night  
  
You were the honest bishop's guest**... _[notices Firmin]_ What, now you're a bishop?  
  
Firmin: Well, my friend, you're a policeman.  
  
André: _[shrugs]  
_  
**And then out of Christian goodness  
  
When he learned about your plight  
  
You maintain he made a present  
  
Of this silver-  
**  
Firmin:  
  
**That is right. _[turns to Erik]_**  
  
**But, my**...** friend**? He's not my friend! **You left so early  
**  
**Surely something slipped your mind**  
  
_[He gives Erik his silver candlesticks]_  
  
**You forgot I gave these also  
  
Would you leave the best behind?  
  
So, monsieur, you may release him  
  
For this man has spoken true  
  
I commend you for your duty  
  
And God's blessing go with you.**  
  
_[André leaves.]_  
  
What? Did I just let the snot-nosed thief go free? André! Come back! It's the opera ghost, remember? Lock him up!  
  
Authoress: Stop that!  
  
Firmin: Right.  
  
**But remember this my**... _[shudders_] **brother  
**  
**See in this some higher plan  
  
You must use this precious silver  
  
To become a honest man  
  
By the witness of the martyrs  
  
By the passion and the blood  
  
God has raised you out of darkness  
  
I have bought your soul for God.**  
  
Like he'd want it...  
  
_[He exits, leaving Erik alone.]_


	3. Valjean's Soliloquy What Have I Done?

A/N- Yay! This attempt at a phic is infinitely more successful than my last one. I thank you. I also noticed that something was deleting the cool e's I put at the end of Firmin's partner's name, so I just decided to spell it without the accent, like this: Andre. Too bad, huh?  
  
nebulia- I'm so abusive, aren't I? Yes, Erik gets into character pretty well in this chapter, and Carlotta... well, you'll see. But poor Raoul.  
  
Elyse3- I love your stories. Yeah, I figured since I wouldn't let Christine be Cosette to Raoul's Marius, the next best thing to do is let him be Parnasse to Christine's Ponine. And as for Erik being all of Les Amis, Gavroche, and Valjean _-evil laughter-_ just wait till the barricade scene.  
  
AngelMusic- Right now. _-cheesy grin-_ I tend give it a few days just in case someone was on vacation when I first posted. I'm glad to see that a phan besides the ones I already know is reading my story!

* * *

_[Erik is standing in the middle of the stage with the bishop's silver candlesticks in his hand and the bishop's silverware in his bag. He's looking distraught.]_  
  
Erik:  
  
**What have I done?  
  
Sweet Jesus, what have I done?  
  
Become a thief in the night  
  
Become a dog on the run!  
  
Have I fallen so far  
  
And is the hour so late  
  
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate?  
  
The cries in the dark that nobody hears  
  
Here where I stand at the turning of the years.  
**  
Wow... it's like we're the same person.  
  
Authoress: I hoped you'd feel that way.  
  
Erik: _[shrugs]_  
  
**If there's another way to go  
  
I missed it twenty long years ago  
  
My life was a war that could never be won  
  
They gave me a number and murdered Valjean  
  
When they chained me and left me for dead  
  
JUST for stealing a mouthful of bread!  
**  
Authoress: He's good.  
  
_[The mood changes. Erik's bitterness softens and he becomes pensive.]  
_  
Erik:  
  
**Yet why did I allow that man  
  
To touch my soul and teach me love?  
  
He treated me like any other!  
  
He gave me his trust  
  
He called me 'brother.'  
  
My life he claims for God above.  
  
Can such things be?  
  
For I had come to hate the world  
  
This world that always hated me!  
  
Take an eye for an eye!  
  
Turn your heart into stone!  
  
This is all I have lived for!  
  
This is all I have known!  
**  
Authoress: Dang. He's really good.  
  
Erik:  
  
**One word from him and I'd be back  
  
Beneath the lash, upon the rack.  
  
Instead he offers me my freedom!  
  
I feel my shame inside me like a knife  
  
He told me that I have a soul  
  
How does he know?  
  
What spirit comes to move my life?  
  
Is there... another way to go?  
**  
Erik Fangirls: _[swoon]_  
  
Firmin:_ [whispering to Andre_ _backstage_] We really should have hired him. Forget Carlotta, we've got Erik the angst-ridden opera ghost!  
  
Authoress: Shh!  
  
Erik: _[stretching his arm out in front of him]  
_  
**I am reaching, but I fall...** _[drops his arm]  
_  
**And the night is closing in  
  
As I stare into the void  
  
To the whirlpool of my sin** _[staggers slightly]_  
  
**I'll escape now from the world  
**  
**From the world of Jean Valjean** _[produces his yellow-ticket-of-leave]  
  
_**Jean Valjean is nothing now**  
  
**Another story must begin!  
**  
_[He rips the yellow-ticket-of-leave into a thousand pieces and throws them onto the stage. The lights go out.]_  
  
Authoress/Fangirls/Firmin/Andre: WHOOO! GO ERIK!  
  
All of above but Authoress: _[whistle loudly]_  
  
Authoress: I can't whistle, but I can yell. YAY ERIK!  
  
Firmin: Carlotta, you're fired.  
  
Carlotta: Zis is an unspeakable outrage! You cannot-a fire me for zat... zat... 'eed-eeus monster!  
  
Andre: Can you do what that hideous monster just did?  
  
Carlotta: Of course I can! I am Carlotta; ze Spanish-Italian soprano oo is adored by all ze fans!  
  
Carlotta's Fans: GO ERIK! _[wave little flags and scream]_  
  
Carlotta: Zis, I see as a problem. 


	4. At the End of the Day

A/N- As to the cool e's at the end of Andr's name, apparently I was wrong in thinking they were being deleted. _-shrugs-_ Whatever. Anyway, they're being returned because I like them.  
  
AngelMusic- Thank you! I liked the book... I need ALW to explain how Moncharmin and Richard become Firmin and André. Or vice versa. I guess Hugo's Les Mis was put to musical better than Leroux's Phantom.  
  
Bubonic Woodchuck- Your review nearly made me choke on... water. I dunno, apparently it's possible. Yeah, I figured my friend Emma and I do two-man Les Mis (which makes One Day More really interesting) so Erik can handle being all the boys.  
  
Zella- Thank you muchly. Sorry that was a delayed update, but I'm all busy... it's my last week of summer. _-sad face-  
_  
Favourite- Christine is Eponine and Raoul is Marius... but he's also Montparnasse, so it's all good. Yay for Raoul supporters!  
  
nebulia- I don't think Carlotta was that great in the first place... Who is she in relation to Piangi? Lover? Wife? Cousin? _-gasp-_ Piangi should have a stupid accent too! Oh, what to do?  
  
Phoenix Wyvern- Merci. _-salutes-_

* * *

  
_[A scrim is lowered with the words "Montreuil-sur-Mer, 1823" as the music gets all angry sounding and poor people crowd the stage. The poor people are extras like the firemen... and people you don't really care too much about.]_  
  
The Poor:  
  
**At the end of the day you're another day older  
  
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor.  
  
It's a struggle; it's a war  
  
And there's nothing that anyone's giving  
  
One more day standing about  
  
What is it for?  
  
One day less to be living!  
**  
_[They are just kind of standin' there and looking bitter and cold and begging-ful. A couple of them kind of dart forward... yeah, that's about it.]_  
  
The Poor:  
  
**At the end of the day you're another day colder  
  
And the shirt one your back doesn't keep out the chill  
  
And the righteous hurry past  
  
They don't hear the little ones crying  
  
And the winter is coming on fast  
  
Ready to kill  
  
One day nearer to dying!  
**  
_[Finally something else happens as the workers including Fantine (Meg) and the factory girl (Carlotta) have emerged from the factory along with Buquet the horny foreman.]_  
  
Buquet: You weren't kidding about me being all the extras, were you?  
  
Authoress: Nope. Sing now.  
  
Buquet: _[sighs]  
_  
**At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing!  
  
Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread!  
  
**André: And here I am again.  
  
**There are children back at home**  
  
André/Firmin:  
  
**And the children have got to be fed**  
  
Firmin:  
  
**And you're lucky to be in a job**  
  
Christine:  
  
**And in a bed!**  
  
Workers:  
  
**And we're counting out blessings!**  
  
Firmin:  
  
**Have you seen how the foreman is fuming today?**  
  
André:  
  
**With his terrible breath and his wandering hands.**  
  
You know, Buquet really does have terrible breath...  
  
Authoress: And wandering hands?  
  
André: I hope not.  
  
Firmin:  
  
**It's because little Fantine won't give him his way**  
  
André:  
  
**Take a look at his trousers, you'll see where he stands.** Yeesh!  
  
Christine:  
  
**And the boss, he never knows**  
  
**That the foreman is always in**... _[flushes]_ **heat  
**  
Firmin:  
  
**If Fantine doesn't look out  
  
What how she goes  
  
She'll be out on the street!**  
  
Workers:  
  
**At the end of the day it's another day over  
  
With enough in your pocket to last for a week  
  
Pay the landlord, pay the shop  
  
Keep on grafting as long as you're able  
  
Keep on grafting till you drop  
  
Or it's back to the crumbs off the table  
  
Well, you've got to pay your way  
  
At the end of the day!  
**  
_[Fantine goes to accept her mail from the Foreman, who attempts to lift her skirt. She ducks away with her letter. Carlotta grabs it from her.]  
_  
Carlotta:  
  
**And-a what haf we here leetle eenocent seester?  
  
Come on, Fantine, let's haf all ze news!  
**  
_[She opens the letter and begins to read]_  
  
**Dear Fantine, you must send us more money  
  
Your child needs a doctor  
  
Zere's no time to lose!  
  
**Meg: _[grabbing for the paper]_  
  
**Give that letter to me  
  
It is none of your business  
  
With a husband at home  
  
And a bit on the side!  
  
Is there anyone here  
  
Who can swear before God  
  
She has nothing to fear  
  
She has nothing to hide?  
**  
Someone in the audience: _[whispering]_ I can't hear her... she's too quiet.  
  
_[Carlotta smacks Meg, and the two get into a catfight. Erik enters, looking all spiffy in a suit.]_  
  
Erik: They really should be mud wrestling.  
  
Authoress: Hey, get back into character!  
  
Erik:   
  
**What is this fighting all about?  
  
Will someone tear these two apart?**  
  
**This is a factory, not a circus**... ugh, circuses... clowns scare me...  
  
Authoress: Erik!  
  
Erik:  
  
**Now, come on ladies, settle down!  
  
I run a business of repute  
  
I am the mayor of this town!  
**  
Whoa... they let a convict be mayor?  
  
Authoress: No, stupid! You tore up the yellow ticket and assumed the alias of Monsieur Madeleine! They don't know who you really are!  
  
Erik: This is too deep to be a musical.  
  
Authoress: D'you wanna take this outside? I could take you.  
  
Erik: _[meekly_] No ma'am.  
  
Authoress: That's better. Insult not Les Mis and finish the scene.  
  
Erik: _[turning to the foreman]_  
  
**I look to you to sort this out  
  
And be as patient as you can**  
  
_[He leaves]_  
  
Buquet:  
  
**Now someone say how this began!**  
  
Carlotta: _[pointing to Meg]_  
  
**At ze eend of ze day  
  
She's ze one who began eet  
  
Zere's a keed zat she's hiding een some leetle town  
  
Zere's a man she 'as to pay  
  
You can-a guess 'ow she peecks up ze extra!  
  
You can get she's earning 'er keep  
  
Sleeping around  
  
And ze boss wouldn't like eet!  
**  
Random Guy in the Balcony: What kind of accent is that supposed to be?  
  
Meg:  
  
**Yes, it's true there's a child  
  
And the child is my daughter  
  
And her father abandoned us,  
  
Leaving us flat.**  
  
Audience Member: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!  
  
Meg: _[trying unsuccessfully to be louder]_  
  
**Now she lives with the innkeeper man  
  
And his wife  
  
And I pay for the child  
  
What's the matter with that?  
**  
Workers:  
  
**At the end of the day  
  
She'll be nothing but trouble  
  
And there's trouble for all  
  
If there's trouble for one!  
  
While we're earning our daily bread  
  
She's the one with her hands in the butter!  
  
You must send the slut away or  
  
We're all gonna end in the gutter  
  
And it's us who'll have to pay  
  
At the end of the day!  
**  
Buquet:  
  
**I might have known the**... dog... **could bite**  
  
**I might have known the cat had claws  
  
I might have guessed your little secret**  
  
**Ah, yes, the virtuous Fantine  
  
Who keeps herself so pure and clean  
  
You'd be the cause I have no doubt**  
  
**Of any trouble hereabout**  
  
**You play a**... good person... **in the light**  
  
**But need**... wow, this is bad! I'm not a very nice person, am I?  
  
Carlotta:  
  
**She's been-a laughing at you while she's 'aving 'er men!**  
  
Workers:  
  
**She'll be nothing but trouble again and again!**  
  
Carlotta:  
  
**You must sack 'er today!**  
  
Workers:  
  
**Sack the girl today!  
  
**Buquet:  
  
**Right, my girl. On your way!**


	5. I Dreamed A Dream

A/N- Yay this is a read story! That was read in past tense. In case you didn't know. I've got no update on the cool e's.

AngelMusic- Yeah, I'm anti- most of the things in Les Mis that should be censored. I just couldn't bring myself to type that, so I figured I'd do it my way. Two-man Les Mis is really fun when both the girls doing it are too Christian to curse.

Elyse3- I'm not convinced Meg was even in the same studio. She probably took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and the dudes making the CD decided they could just do it without her.

nebulia- In fact, almost all my family and friends have found that those are, indeed, words to live by. Or else they will see a side of me that no one really appreciates.

Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- A female Antonio Banderas? _-snicker-_ Yeah, two-man LM can be VERY interesting. I'm trying to organize a two-man Phantom with my other musical-loving friend.

zella- Bet you've never quite thought of Buquet as being chaste, have you? Carlotta's accent... I suppose Piangi should have one too... I just sorta forgot about it until I'd already started posting. Oh well.

* * *

_[The Authoress has gone backstage to talk to Meg before her big Fantine solo.]_

Authoress: No one can hear you. It'd be a shame to ruin such a great song. I saw a Fantine once who was too quiet. It's not good, I promise.

Meg: Can't you turn up my mic?

Authoress: It won't go any louder.

Meg: Fine. If everyone wants me to skip the solo, I will.

Other POTO Characters: YAY!

Authoress: Not yay! You hafta have this song.

Carlotta: I will-a sing ze solo.

Authoress: Alright, the song to Carlotta. Going once... going twice...

Christine: No, let me.

Authoress: Christine... anyone else? Going once... going...

Erik: Yeah, let her.

Authoress: Goingoncegoingtwice**SOLD** to Erik, Phantom of the Opera, thank you, sir.

Erik: What! I didn't want the solo!

_[The Authoress snickers.]_

Carlotta: 'E doesn't want eet. Gif eet to me!

Erik: I said to give Christine the solo, not me!

Authoress: Too late.

Erik: Come on! _[pulls out his Punjab lasso and gets Raoul by the neck]_ I'll kill the fop...

Authoress: HE IS NOT A FOP! _[attacks Erik]_

Nobody: _[tries to save him]_

_[Christine rushes over and yanks the lasso off of Raoul, and everyone stands back to watch the Authoress try to kill Erik.]_

Authoress: First you degrade Fantine with that mud-wrestling thing, then you refuse to get back into character, then you insult Les Mis, then you try to kill Raoul, then you call him a FOP!

Erik:_ [is too busy trying to hold his mask on to reply]_

Firmin: No, wait! That's my new star! Don't kill him.

Authoress: _[standing up quickly] _I guess I would get mobbed by Erik fangirls if I killed the phantom of the opera... I can see that a lot of people would have problems with that. And then who would be Enjolras and Gavroche and Valjean and Jehan and Joly and Feuilly and Combeferre and L'aigle and Courfeyrac and... and all the others?

Bahorel: _[from the audience]_ I'd love to be in the show!

Authoress: They did leave you out, didn't they? Tell you what, you can be Major Domo!

Bahorel: I wanna be me.

Authoress: Sorry, no can do.

Bahorel: No Bahorel?

Authoress: Take it up with Boublil and Schönberg, not your friendly neighborhood slavedriving Authoress.

Bahorel: Okay. Can I still be Major Domo?

Authoress: Sure... and you can be one of the wedding guests, too.

Bahorel: Which one?

Authoress: You'll see.

Bahorel: _[dancing]_ I'm going to be in the sho-ow...

Authoress: Yes, you are. And back to the pressing problem here... I Dreamed A Dream that Erik would sing Fantine's solo...

Erik: I Nightmared A Nightmare that that happened.

Authoress: Then you'll do it?

Raoul: Wait... nightmare isn't a verb...

Christine: You're so _smart_!

Erik_: [snorts]_

Authoress: Erik, please do this for me.

Erik: What will you give me?

Authoress: _[hopefully]_ Anything!

Erik: Got you all excited now... but God knows why you pick on me. Aren't you all delighted now...

_[There is a moment of silence.]_

Authoress: So you'll do it?

Erik: Aren't you supposed to hand me money?

Authoress: I'm saving up to go to Paris with my French class.

Erik: I'll take you to Paris on my nifty raft. How much money you got?

Piangi: Let me get this straight... If you'll sing the solo and take her to Paris she'll give you all the money in her Paris fund?

Erik: Yup.

Authoress: It's a deal. Now go, my homie Phantom!

_[Erik, thinking he got the best end of the deal, skips off to hair and makeup.]_

Piangi: So... how much money do you have in your Paris fund?

Authoress: So far... five dollars.

Raoul: And he called _me_ a fop!

_[The Authoress returns to her seat in the audience.]_

_[Erik comes onstage wearing a blonde wig, dress, apron, and bonnet. The insane makeup ladies put lipstick and blush not only on his face but on his mask as well. Hey, he looks nice.]_

Erik:

**There was a time when men were kind**

**When their voices were soft**

**And their words inviting**

**There was a time when love was blind**

**And the world was a song**

**And the song was exciting**

**There was a time...**

**Then it all went... wrong**

Authoress: He's not bad as a single mother.

Erik: [loudly]

**I dreamed a dream in time gone by**

**When** I **was high and life worth living**

Authoress: When he was high? Those aren't the words...

Erik:

**I dreamed that love would never die**

**I dreamed that **the evil Authoress **would be forgiving**

Authoress: Oh dear... I think Piangi told him he's only getting five dollars for this...

Erik:

**Then I was** stupid **and** not paying attention

**When dreams were made and used and wasted**

**There was** more than five dollars **to be paid**

**No song** I had to sing, **no wine untasted**

**But the** Authoresses **come at night**

**With** their **voices** loud **as thunder**

**As they** **tear your **reputation **apart**

**As they turn your** career **to shame**!

Authoress: Oh dear, oh dear...

Erik: _[suddenly sad, lonesome, and staring off into space]_

**And still I dream** she'll **come to me!**

**That we will live the years together**

Authoress: Somehow, I doubt he's still talking about me...

Erik:

**But there are dreams that cannot be**

**And there are storms we cannot weather!**

**I had a dream my life would be**

**So different from this hell I'm living**

**So different now from what it seemed!**

**Now life has killed the dream... I... dreamed...**

Audience: _[applauds confusedly]_


	6. Lovely Ladies

A/N- It's been a while... I've been centered on school and the Words of Love series, but here's another chapter! Yay!

Rachel- Yay! -_feels loved-_ We always need Raoul around to catch our grammar slips such as that.

zella- Bahorel shall be very loved in this chapter! Whoa... that had more meaning than I wanted it to.

Bubonic Woodchuck- Wish granted. He may be slightly (if not very) OOC, but I figured what the hey. Yeah... I'm convinced that Erik is Claquesous.

nebulia- It's weird though, cos if I see someone who tortues Raoul in that Christine loves Erik I get all mad, but if it's torturing the way I do... with Christine being tortured right there with him... then it makes me laugh.

* * *

_[The music and lighting and crap get all scandalous and a guy in a sailor suit comes running onstage. It is Philippe, Comte de Chagny, as requested by one Bubonic Woodchuck.]_

Philippe: _[slowly]_

Ahem. **I smell**... er... **women**...

**Smell them** **in the air**.

**Think I will** **drop my anchor**

**In that harbor over there**

Authoress: Be slang! You're too stiff!

Philippe: But I don't understand? How can I smell women?

Authoress: Act, man! Act!

Philippe: That is not my job! It is not my brother's job, it is not the managers' job, and it is most certainly not Madame Giry's job.

Firmin: Actually, I'm rather enjoying myself.

Authoress: Shut up and sing!

Philippe: _[sighing]_

**Lovely ladies**

**Smell them-**

Authoress: Smell '_em_! Slang, I tell you! Be as vulgar as you possibly can!

Philippe: And how, mademoiselle, would I do that?

Authoress: Just try!

Philippe:

**Smell _um_ through the smoke**

**Seven days at sea**

**Can make you hungry for**... my goodness, that is vulgar.

Authoress: Buquet censored his part, I suppose you can too.

Philippe: Oh, good. I choose not to sing the rest.

Authoress: Fine, get out of here then.

Philippe: I shall.

Authoress: Um... thanks anyway. I love you!

_[A bunch of disturbing "lovely ladies" have gathered onstage._ _Meg is again Fantine, and she is pacing around them desperately.]_

Women:

**Lovely ladies**

**Waiting for a bite**

**Waiting for the customers**

**Who only come at night**

**Lovely ladies**

**Ready for the call**

**Standing up or lying down**

**Or any way at all**

**Bargain prices up against the wall!**

_[Madame Giry enters.]_

Madame Giry: _[to Meg]_

**Come here, my dear**

**Let's see this trinket you wear**

**This bagatelle**

Meg: _[desperately]_

Maman,** I'll sell it to you!**

Authoress: _[ignores that]_

Madame Giry:

**I'll give you four.**

Meg:

**That wouldn't pay for the chain!**

Madame Giry:

**I'll give you five. You're far too eager to sell. It's up to you...**

Erik: _[from offstage] _So what if she's far too eager to sell? Why won't she give her more than five?

Raoul: Five what?

Erik: What do you mean, 'five what?'

Raoul: What's she giving her five of?

Erik: You _are_ a fop.

Authoress: Erik...

Erik: Ahem.

Raoul: Authoress, what's she giving her five of?

Authoress: Uh... money?

Raoul: Yes, but what _kind _of money?

Authoress: French... money?

Raoul: But what? Francs? Sous? Louis d'Or?

Authoress: Ask Erik. He thinks he's smart.

Erik: ...

Madame Giry: May we continue, please?

Authoress: Right, go on.

Meg: Where was I?

Madame Giry: Um...

Authoress: _[scrolls back up]_ The Old Woman just said it's up to you.

Meg: _[nodding]_

**It's all I have!**

Madame Giry:

**That's not my fault!**

Meg:

**Please make it ten!**

Raoul: Ten what?

Erik: _[throws a shoe at him]_

Raoul: Ow.

Madame Giry:

**No more than five! My dear, we all must stay alive!**

_[Meg sells Madame the necklace for five... um... for five. The Old Woman leaves, and the lovely ladies continue to frighten the audience.]_

Women:

**Lovely Ladies **

**Waiting in the dark **

**Ready for a thick one or **

**A quick one in the park**

Buquet: _[as Whore 1]_

**Long time, short time**

**Anytime, my dear**

**Costs a little extra if you **

**Wanna take all year **_[eye twitches]_

All:

**Cheap and quick is**

**Underneath the pier!**

_[Madame Giry reenters as the Crone.]_

Madame Giry: _[to Meg]_

**What pretty hair!**

**What pretty locks you've got there.**

**What luck you've got**

**It's worth a centime, my dear**

**I'll take the lot!**

Meg:

**Don't touch me; leave me alone!**

Madame Giry:

**Let's make a price. I'll give you**

**All of ten francs**

Raoul: Ten _francs!_ Now she tells us!

Erik: _[throws his other shoe at him]_

Madame Giry:

**Just think of that...**

Meg:

**It pays a debt.**

Madame Giry:

**Just think of that...**

Meg:

**What can I do? It pays a debt!**

**Ten francs may save **

**My poor Cosette!**

_[She leaves with Madame Giry. Philippe is shoved back onstage. He rolls his eyes.]_

Philippe:

**Lovely lady. **

**Fastest on the street.**

**Wasn't there three minutes.**

**She was back up on her feet.**

**Lovely lady.**

**What are you waiting for?**

**It does not take a lot of savvy**

**Just to be a...** And you did say I could censor this mess?

Authoress: Yes! Censor, whatever – JUST SING!

Philippe:

**Come on, lady.**

**What is a lady for?**

_[He turns on his heel and stamps out of the theater, orders his fine horses and leaves.]_

_[Madame Giry reenters in a suit as the Pimp followed by Meg, her hair cut short.]_

Madame Giry:

**Give me the dirt**

**Who's that bit over there?**

Buquet:

**A bit of skirt**

**She's the one sold her hair.**

**She's got a kid**

**Sends her all that she can**... I have a question.

Authoress: What?

Buquet: Why am I a... lovely lady... while Madame Giry is a... a pimp?

Authoress: Because I have a twisted mind. Do continue.

Madame Giry:

**I might have known**

**There is always some man**

_[to Meg]_ **Lovely lady**

**Come along and join us**

**Lovely lady!**

Buquet: _[grudgingly]_

**Come on, dearie, Why all the fuss?**

**You're no grander than the rest of us.**

**Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap.**

**Join your**... **sisters**...

**Make money in your sleep.**

Meg: _[reading the script]_ I've been good thus far, right? I mean in this scene.

Authoress: Yeah...

Meg: So you'd say I could have just one complaint?

Authoress: What?

Meg: I'm about to be sold to... my mother.

Authoress: That is a little Oedipus Rex-ish, isn't it? Hold on._ [turns around to the row of seats behind her]_ Bahorel?

Bahorel: Do I get to be in Les Mis?

Authoress: Yes, you do, dear. Go up there and take that lady's place. Yeah, her. Thank you!

Bahorel: Can I have this role for the rest of the show?

Authoress: There's not much left to do, but sure.

Bahorel: YAY! I'M IN LES MIS!

_[The play resumes.]_

Buquet:

**That's right, dearie**

**Let **her** have the lot.**

**That's right dearie**

**Show **her** what you've got!**

_[Bahorel, as Fantine, goes off with Madame Giry.]_

Women:

**Old men, young men,**

**Take 'em as they come! **

**Harbor rats and alley cats**

**And every kind of scum**

**Poor men, rich men**

**Leaders of the land.**

**See them with their trousers off**

**They're never quite as grand!**

**All it takes is money in your hand!**

[The mood changes. Bahorel reenters in full lovely lady garb, and everyone is kinda depressed.]

**Lovely ladies...**

**Going for a song...**

**Got a lot of callers but**

**They never stay for long...**

Bahorel: _[as an old man walks by]_

**Come on, Captain! You can wear your shoes!**

**Don't it make a change to have a**

**Girl who can't refuse?**

**Easy money lying on a bed**

**Just as well they never see **

**The hate that's in your head!**

**Don't they know they're making love**

**To one already DEAD!**

Authoress: He's good.

Meg: _[pouting] _I meant for you to replace Maman!


	7. Fantine's Arrest

A/N- Ugh, the site has me afraid of responding to my reviewers! All my script forms and several of the best darn fics anyone's ever written (including the great and almighty Mystical Chinchilla's "A Ridiculously Cliched Muder Mystery," the very fic that got me into fanfiction and this site) have been deleted. I'm paranoid, I tell ya!

AngelMusic- Aw, come on! Don't you think that it's about time Erik got a little beat up? Poor Raoul... so many people just thoughtlessly bash him... Ah well, I'll try not to make you feel bad for the opera ghost.

nebulia- Merci muchly. I'm a little sorry for Meg myself... but the fact that I can't hear her AT ALL on my CD takes away just a shmoot of pity. And yes, shmoot is now officially a word.

Zella- Ick. Do get well soon. I had a cold... which I would have used as an excuse for my prolonged update, but it's not true. The site banned me for a few days after removed two more of my fics! Meh.

Elyse3- Never fear! Raoul shall be quite... favored... in this tale. Well... in the way that I tend to prefer Marius/Cosette to Marius/anyone else. Which might mean abuse. But it is loving abuse, remember that.

Bubonic Woodchuck- Erik-y-poo, huh? Yeah, I've gotten a little of that already. It's not that I dislike Erik... I just really dislike Christine/Erik. That's just wrong I tell you!

JoLanna- Yay! I love both musicals too. Obviously. Glad to amuse you.

Laigualaurelote- Oh, I hope I spelled that right. Yay for wonderfully twisted minds! And welcome aboard. I'll continue until they remove this fic or make me leave the site... I really hope that neither of these happens to me...

* * *

_(Buquet enters as Bamatabois. Bahorel is standing in the middle of a crowd of lovely ladies.)_

Buquet: Two complaints, Authoress, before we begin.

Authoress: Shoot.

Buquet: Wasn't I a whore a minute ago?

Authoress: Yes you were. You're such a smart... Buquet.

Buquet: Er... thanks. Well, now I seem to be a pimp...

Authoress: You're Bamatabois, Buquet! Buy Bahorel!

Bahorel: (_cheerfully) _That's a tongue twister!

Buquet: Genius.

Christine: (_absently)_ He the unseen genius...

Erik: Yes! My power over you-

Raoul: (_whacks him with Enjolras's flag)_ Stop hitting on my wife!

Authoress: Raoul... Try not to murder Erik.

Raoul: (_pouting)_ Why not?

Authoress: Because he somehow has more fangirls than you do...

Raoul: How? How does he have more fangirls than me? Am I not sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate, passionate, charming, as kind as I'm handsome, and a rich Vicomte?

Authoress: You are everything maidens could wish for!

Raoul: Then why no?

Authoress: Do I know?

Raoul: Those girls must be mad!

Erik: Yeah? Well, I'm a... an angst-ridden... deformed... hideous... demented... erm... murdering... kidnapper.

Authoress: My point exactly.

Erik: But I do get to sing cooler songs than him.

Buquet: Hello? My other complaint?

Authoress: Yes. What was that?

Buquet: Uh... I don't remember...

Authoress: Okay then. Are we all settled to begin this scene? Piangi, you get to be Javert again.

Piangi: (_listlessly) _Somebody pinch me.

Authoress: And Bahorel's the new Fantine!

Bahorel: YAY!

Meg: But I'm Fantine!

Authoress: What? I can't hear you.

Meg: (_pouts)_

Authoress: Maestro?

Reyer: Yes?

Lefèvre: I didn't know Reyer was here!

Authoress: I didn't know _you_ were here. Anyway, Maestro? The next song... _now_.

Buquet:

**Here's something new. I think I'll give it a try.**

**Come closer, you**... sir...

**I like to see what I buy.**

**The usual price**

**For**... oh, sick!

Bahorel:

**I don't want you! No, no, m'sieur, let me go!**

Buquet:

**Is this a trick? I won't pay more!**

Bahorel:

**No, not at all.**

Buquet:

**You've got some nerve! **

**You **random Mizzie

**You've got some gall!**

Authoress: (_looking at Meg)_ I begin to wonder if the POTO characters resent this sudden Mizzie intrusion...

Buquet:

**It's the same with the tart as it is with the grocer!**

**The customer sees what he gets in advance!**

**It's not for the whore to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir,'**

**Not for the harlot to pick or to chose**

**Or to lead me a dance!**

Bahorel: (_attacking Buquet)_

Buquet: What the- OW!

Bahorel:

**I kill you, YOU BASTARD! **

**Try any of _that!_**

**Even whore who has gone to the bad**

**Won't be had by a RAT!**

Authoress: Why he didn't make the play I shall never know.

_(Bahorel relents, and Buquet is holding one hand to his cheek.)_

Buquet: (_seriously furious)_

**By Christ, you'll pay for what you've done!**

**This rat will make you BLEED, you'll see.**

**I guarantee I'll _make you suffer!_**

**For this disturbance of the peace!**

**For this insult to life and property!**

Bahorel: (_looking genuinely worried)_

**I beg you, **

**Don't report me, sir!**

**I'll do whatever you may want...**

Buquet:

**Make your excuse to the police!**

_(Piangi comes in with yet another large hat and dark blue ensemble. He addresses Buquet, who has actually been clawed by Bahorel and is bleeding.)_

Piangi:

**Tell me quickly, what's the story?**

**Who saw what and why and where? **And how... and when... and wherefore...

Authoress: Oy!

Piangi:

**Let him give a full description!**

**Let him answer to Javert.**

**In this nest of whores and vipers**

**Let one speak who saw it all**

**Who laid hands on this good man here?**

**What's the substance of this brawl?**

Buquet:

**Javert, would you believe it**

**I was **just acting my part

**When this **crazy man** attacked me**

**You can see **he **left **his **mark!**

_(points to his bleeding cheek)_

Piangi:

He **will answer for **his **actions**

**When you make a full report**

**You may rest assured, m'sieur**

He **will answer to the court!**

Bahorel: (_glancing nervously from one to the other)_

**There's a child who sorely needs me**

**Please, m'sieur, she's but that high (**_holds his hand at the level of his waist)_

Holy God, is there no mercy? 

**If **you Punjab me **she'll die!**

Piangi:

**I have heard such protestations**

**Every day for twenty years**

**Let's have no more explanations**

**Save your breath and save your tears**

**Honest work; just reward. That's the way**

**To please the Lord!**

_(Erik enters, again dressed as Valjean.)_

Erik: What if I don't want to save him?

Authoress: What if I told you that I took a picture of you dressed as Fantine?

Erik: (_earnestly)_

**A moment of your time, Javert**

**I do believe this woman's tale!**

Piangi:

**But M'sieur Mayer!**

Erik:

**You've done your duty, let her be!**

**She needs a doctor, not a jail!**

Piangi:

**But M'sieur Mayor!**

Bahorel: (_relieved)_

**Can this be?**

Erik:

**Where will she end? This child**

**Without a friend... (**_looking at Bahorel)_

**I've seen your face before.**

**Show me some way to help you.**

**How have you come to grief in such a place as this?**

Bahorel:

**M'sieur, don't mock me now, I pray.**

**It's hard enough I've lost my pride**

**You let your foreman send me away.**

**Yes, you were there**

**And turned aside...**

**I never did no wrong!**

Erik: (_glancing nervously at the Authoress)_

**Is it true what I've done...**

Bahorel:

**My daughter's close to dying!**

Raoul: (_whispering to Christine)_ How does she know her daughter's dying?

Christine: The letter.

Raoul: Oh... right.

Erik:

**To an innocent soul?**

Bahorel:

**If there's a God above...**

Erik:

**Had I only known then...**

Bahorel:

**He'd let me die instead.**

Raoul: I'm not following.

Christine: They're having two dialogues at once, dear.

Raoul: Why?

Christine: I dunno.

Erik:

**In His name**

**My task has just begun.**

**I will see it done.**

Buquet:

**But M'sieur Mayor!**

Erik:

**I will see it done.**

Buquet:

**But M'sieur Mayor!**

Erik:

**I will see it done!**


	8. The Runaway Cart

A/N- A note to anyone who thought that Erik singing IDAD was amusing: I found an old tape of Michael Crawford doing Broadway hits, and one was I Dreamed A Dream. Also he did On My Own and a bunch of other mushy songs... I have to see if I can get them on my computer somehow.

AuronLives- Amen! Erik needs a little bashing. I'm glad there's at least one Erik phan out there who doesn't freak out if one person dares to love Raoul. Or to poke a litte fun at the opera ghost. But you were in Into the Woods? Awesome. Who were you?

Thalia the Tiger- Thank you very much! Sorry I took so long to update... I have no real excuse except I'm in our Homecoming Show... and between practices and homework I don't have much typing time.

Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- I love gender-reversed shows_ (coughWordsofLovecough)_ in case you haven't noticed. I love Raoul the pinhead too. Although I don't hate Erik... or his beautiful mind.

zella- Apparently there's a rule against script parodies that has randomly been enforced recently, and... _(cries for A Ridiculously Cliched Muder Mystery)_ I'll be okay, I promise. They removed two or three of my fics and some of the world's most hysterical fanfiction every written _(cries some more)_

VampireNextDoor- Don't worry, it would seem that everyone is. And yes, Into the Woods is goodness. "Agony, misery, woe! Though it's different for each..." to continue the quote-fest... I love slipping junk from other shows in (as is blatantly obvious this chatper).

Laiqualaurelote- Bahorel is the only one of Enjolras's friends that appeared in the book Les Mis but not in the show. Admittedly, he's horribly out of character here, but... oh well. And yes, someone IS a dang putzing kewiebird, although I've not been kicked out (yet).

Elyse3- Yay for Raoul supporters! Wow, it's amazing how few of us there really are... I'm glad to amuse you!

* * *

_(Erik Valerik, also known as M. Madeleine, Mayor of Montreuil-sur-Mer, has just saved Fantine, also known as Bahorel, from being arrested by Ubaldo Javert. Said inspector is not very happy about this turn of events. Just as he finishes, a runaway cart comes crashing down the rue, accompanied by one of the best musical passages I've ever heard.)_

Random Dude:

**Look out! It's a runaway cart!**

_(More amazing music as everybody goes slow motion and the cart comes onstage. People do neat slow-mo somersaults and everything, but the cart finally runs down a cute little old man played by Firmin. Javert and Valjean are standing nearby.)_

More Random Dudes:

**Look at that!**

**Look at that!**

**It's M'sieur Fauchelevant!**

**Don't approach!**

**Don't go near **

**At the risk of your life!**

**He is caught by the wheel!**

**Oh, the pitiful man!**

**Stay away,**

**Turn away!**

**There is nothing to do!**

**There is nothing to do...**

_(Erik walks slowly over to the clump of villagers and Firmin, whose face is beginning to change colors.)_

Erik: Do I really have to save him?

Authoress: _(waves a Polaroid threateningly)_

Erik:

**Is there anyone **else **here who will rescue the man?**

**Who will help me to shoulder the weight of the cart?**

Christine:

**Don't go near him, M'sieur Mayor!**

**The load is as heavy as... **I don't curse, Mademoiselle Authoress.

Authoress: Oh, please, _I_ say _that_! Well... only in the 'place' context... not just randomly... just do the lines... please.

Christine:

**Don't go near him, M'sieur Mayor!**

**The load is as heavy as... hell...**

Raoul: Christine said a bad word!

Authoress: Raoul, my dear, I say this with all love and respect and kindness... shut up.

Raoul: _(pouts)_

Authoress: _(hugs him)_

Christine: _(glares)_

Authoress: _(to Christine)_ Bite me... Ow! It's an expression, Raoul!

Erik: You probably have rabies now.

Firmin: Cart... crushing... ribs... can't... breathe...

Authoress: Arrgh! Christine, just do those lines one more time!

Christine:

**Don't go near him, M'sieur Mayor!**

**The load is as heavy as hell!**

**The old man's a goner for sure!**

**It'll kill you as well!**

Erik: She has a point. _(starts to leave stage)_

Authoress: The photograph and I are walking toward the scanner...

_(Erik, accompanied by even more splendid music, dives under the cart and slowly lifts it so that some random villagers can drag Firmin to safety.)_

Firmin:

It's about time!

You stupid freak!

I almost died

Under that cart!

_(He is taken offstage. Javert steps forward, staring at Valjean.)_

Piangi:

**Can this be true?**

**I don't believe what I see!**

**A man your age**

**To be as strong as you are!**

**A memory stirs...**

_(Grizabella runs in.)_

Grizabella: Touch me! It's so easy to lose me! All alone with the memory! Of my days in the sun! If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is...

Authoress: _(pulls out a gun and shoots her)_

Grizabella: _(dies)_

Authoress: Go on, Piangi dear.

Piangi _(nervously)_

**You make me think of a man**

**From years ago**

**A man who broke his parole**

**He disappeared.**

**Forgive me, sir!**

**I would not dare...**

Erik:

**Say what you must!**

**Don't leave it there!**

Piangi:

**I have only known one other**

**Who can do what you have done**

**He's a convict from the chain gang**

**He's been ten years on the run**

**But he couldn't run forever**

**We have found his hideaway**

**And he's just been rearrested**

**And he comes to court today.**

**Well, of course he now denies it!**

**You'd expect that of a con.**

**But he couldn't run forever-**

**No, not even... Jean Valjean!**

Erik:_ (a little confused)_ But... I thought _I_ was Jean Valjean!

Authoress: You are.

Erik: So he arrested me?

Authoress: No... he arrested a guy who looks like you.

Erik: I don't get it.

Raoul: Neither do I.

Authoress: Keep going... you will in a bit.

Erik:

**You say this man denies it all**

**And gives no sign of understanding or repentance?**

**You say this man will come to trial**

**And that he's sure to be returned**

**To serve his sentence?**

**Come to that, can you be sure**

**That I am not your man?**

Piangi:

**I have known the thief for ages**

**Tracked him down through thick and thin**

**And to make the matter certain**

**There's the brand upon his skin.**

**He will bend.**

**He will break.**

**This time there is no mistake!**

_(Ubaldo Javert exits the stage, and a little man in overalls sweeps the dead body of Grizabella away.)_

Erik: I still don't get it.


	9. Oo Am I?

A/N- I just saw Cats about twelve hours ago. Does it show?

Elyse3- And that was _before_ I'd seen the show! _-evil laughter-_

zella- Yeah, I think everyone kinda wonders that. But I'm pretty sure he had no idea, because he went and almost let Valjean sack him from cop-dom.

VampireNextDoor- A few people got the Into the Woodsness. Grizabella because the word memory sparked my randomness... yeah... people worry about me.

Sorrowful Wind Whisperer- Now there's a thought! Yeah, all my characters are frighteningly OOC, but I like them that way. And for some reason Erik cares whether or not I'm a phangirl of his in this chapter...

Thalia the Tiger- Firmin stuck under a cart is kinda fun... _-mentally puts random people under the cart-_ My biology teacher... Legolas... my stalkee's girlfriend... Wow, what have we discovered here?

Bubonic Woodchuck- Hm... Erik's a... erm... confused and OOC genius. And the little man in overalls is his squire! I am I, The Opera Ghost, the lord of the theatre! Ahem.

Laiqualaurelote- Heh... well, she got to go to the heavy side layer over all those other cats, so I figured we could let her have another go-round. Wait... did that make sense?

bundles-o'-joy- Dang... I feel so loved! Your fics rock, ya. I'm gonna read the rest soon, I promise. I have this memory problem _-smacks mental Grizabella before she can start singing-_ and I'll start reading a fic and forget which one I was reading and... Yeah, but since I have your review I'll always be able to find your phics... Erm... yeah.

nebulia- Yay for the popularity of the little man in overalls! I'll have to bring him back sometime later... _-plots-_ Hehe.

* * *

Authoress: Okay, time for Erik's big solo! 

Erik: What? What big solo? I don't want any more big solos! I Dreamed A Dream, that soliloquy thing... I'm finished with big solos!

Authoress: I have that picture...

Erik: It doesn't matter anymore.

Authoress: And why not?

Erik: Because that fop already showed it to everyone!

Authoress: What? Ickle Raoul?

Erik: Argh! Why am I not your favorite, eh?

Authoress: See chapter seven.

Erik: I'm not singing that solo unless you do a little Erik/Christine!

(Pause)

Authoress: Carlotta! Congratulations, you now have a big solo!

Carlotta: What? Why do I 'af se solo? Eet ees a man's song!

Authoress: Don't care. Onstage now. Erik, go compose an opera or something.

Erik: But...!

Authoress: Don't make me do a one-man production of Cats starring you.

Erik: _(leaves quickly)_

Authoress: The opera ghost's... NOT THERE! The opera ghost, the opera ghost, there's no one like the opera ghost...

Carlotta: Ahem.

Authoress: Sorry.

(The music finally starts up, and Carlotta is standing alone in the middle of the stage wearing a charming man's suit.)

Carlotta:

**Ee sinks sat-a man ees me!**

**Ee knew eem at a glance!**

**Sat-a stranger ee as found!**

**Sis man coot-a be my chance!**

**Why shoot I save is ide?**

**Why shoot I right sis wrong?**

**Wheen I ave come so far**

**Ant struggled for so long!**

**Eef I speak, I am condeemed!**

**Eef I stay-a silent, I am-a damned!**

**I am se master of un-trets of workers**

**Sey all look-a to me!**

**Can I abandon sem?**

**Ow woot sey leeve eef I am not free?**

**Eef I speak, I am-a condeemed!**

**Eef I stay-a silent, I am-a damned!**

**Oo am I?**

**Can-a I con-deem thees man to slavery?**

**Pree-teend I do not see ees agony!**

**Sees een-oceent oo bears my face**

**Oo goes to judgemeent een my place**

**Oo am I?**

**Can-a I conceal myself forevermore?**

**Pree-teend I'm not se man I was beefore!**

**Ant must my name unteel I die be**

**No more san an al-ee-by?**

**Must I lie?**

**Ow can I ef-ver face-a my fellow meen?**

**Ow can I ef-ver face-a my-a self ag-een?**

**My soul beelongs to God I know**

**I made sat bar-gain long ago**

**Ee gafe me ope when ope was-a gone!**

**Ee gafe me streength to journeey on!**

**Oo am I?**

**Oo am I?**

**I'm-a Jean Valjean!**

(The stage turns, and Carlotta is in front of a big judge's table thing.)

**Ant so Javert you see eets true!**

**Sat-a man bears no more geelt san you!**

**Oo am I?**

**Oo am I?**

**Two, four-a, seex, oh, one!**

(Carlotta, in character, goes to rip her shirt open and display the brand upon her skin, but the curtain falls. Disgusted shouts can be heard from people onstage.)

Authoress: Someone has good timing with that there curtain, ya.

Erik: Thank you.

Authoress: That was you, the curtain thing?

Erik: Yes it was.

Authoress: Good job, then.

Erik: The fop wouldn't have done that.

Authoress: Nope.

Erik: He wouldn't have been able to work the curtain.

Authoress: Nope.

Erik: And he wouldn't have had the foresight to see that Carlotta was so in character she'd think she was a man.

Authoress: Nope.

Erik: So you're a phangirl now, right?

Authoress: Nope.

Erik: CURSES!

_Authoress: Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a chap so clever as the handsome young Vicomte de Chagny! Oh! Well... _(continues)


	10. Come to Me and the Confrontation

A/N- Yes, my updates to this fic have become rather sporadic, but I promise it shan't be abandoned.

Sorowful Wind-Whisperer- Glad to provide a bit of amusement... I was just too bored to let Erik sing the whole song.

Renee- Welcome! The rest is on its way... as I said, I'm a sporadic updater...

bundles-o-joy- AHH SPORKS! Erm... ohh, the chandelier... now there's a good idea. Too bad it doesn't have a mouth. Hehe...

AnotherErikPhan- Into the Woods rocks my toe socks! As do many a musical, but I heart Into the Woods a whole whole lot. Yeah, I use many random references in here...

Laiqualaurelote- You were Carlotta! That's just too cool. I could probably be no one but Meg or Mame Giry, as I'm an alto. Ah, well, altos get the good songs in plenty of musicals.

nebulia- OoO the great Cillabub... no, I'd never read the Scarlet Pimpjolras, though I went looking for it. Was it in script? It seems to be gone.

Jaded Lover- Welcome, welcome, to my tale of insanity.

zella- Yay for incoherence! Did I spell that right? Ah, whatever. Yay anyway.

Phantomette- Ooh, good. Listening to Les Mis is fun! _-heartMichaelBallheart_-

Amber Stag- I know, that's what I'm sayin'! Argh, they removed A Ridiculously Cliched Muder Myster... _-is still in shock-_

ErikaNapoleonica- Hm... good point. I'd 'bout forgotten he was only getting five bucks for all this. What does that translate to in francs, I wonder...

Aislin of the Shadows- Yes, Erik torture is fun! It's what he gets, anyway, that Raoul-abuser! But yes, Raoul fans are actually quite in the minority, for some unfathomable reason.

Thalia the Tiger- The odd thing is, I don't drink soft drinks! Or anything but milk, water, and apple juice. No joke. That's how I normally think... and ya know what? I'm afraid to know what would happen if I was exposed to caffeine.

AngelMusic- That's a question I'm beginning to have to ask myself... this story seems to be making painfully slow progress.

Elyse3- I had quite a lot of fun trying to make the lyrics Carlottafied. The thing is, what exactly is a Spanish-Italian accent? Hehe... And yay for Raoul lovers! Poor sweet guy...

* * *

_(The Authoress is seated in the front row of the theater, as usual, and giggling madly about something. Erik is still pouting over the events of last update.)_

Authoress: Hehehe...

Erik: WHAT is so funny?

Authoress: Hehehe... My Guy messed up...

Erik: ...

Authoress: _(All in one breath) _I went to see Jekyll & Hyde, and during Façade I saw this dude who had great solos and he was really good so I said he was my guy and then every time he came onstage I was all there's my guy and during Bring on the Men I was all My Guy get away from her and then he came onstage at the beginning of act two and goes "Read about the hideous murder! Ridabhadi... murder!" and runs offstage all embarrassed like...

Erik: Why are you even telling me this?

Authoress: You asked. I'm off to stalk Raoul now.

Erik: Why?

Authoress: I dunno... cos he's hot and rich, like my Squishy.

Erik: You frighten me.

Authoress: HAHAHA _I_ frighten _you_!

Erik: Yes. May I be the main character again?

Authoress: You just wanna punch out Piangi.

Erik: Exactly.

Authoress: Yeah, sure, go for it.

_(The curtain rises again, and Bahorel, in a white dress, is lying in a little roll-y bed being attended to by two nuns who look like evil flying manta rays. They wander off, and Bahorel begins to sing.)_

Bahorel:

**Cosette, it's turned so cold...**

**Cosette, it's past your bedtime.**

**You've played the day away**

**And soon it will be night...**

**Come to me, Cosette the light is fading**

**Don't you see the evening star appearing?**

Raoul: If she's inside how can she see the evening star?

Christine: Maybe a window...?

Raoul: If she's in Montreuil-sur-Mer how can she see Cosette?

Christine: Maybe... um... in her mind?

Raoul: Okay then. Just checking.

Bahorel: _AHEM._

**Come to me, and rest against my shoulder How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder**

**Hurry near, another day is dying**

**Don't you hear the winter wind is crying?**

**There's a darkness, which comes without a warning**

**But I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning...**

_(Bahorel tried to get out of the bed and... go somewhere, I guess, but Erik Valerik comes in and drags him back by his shirt.)_

Erik: Get back in that bed, you delusional hooker!

Authoress: Hey! Those aren't your lines! _(holds up Rum Tum Tugger outfit)_

Erik:

**Oh, Fantine, our time is running out!**

**But, Fantine, I swear this on my life...**

Bahorel: _(sitting up)_

**Look, m'sieur... where all the children play!**

Erik: _(shoving Bahorel back down)_

**Be at peace, be at peace, **whiny whore.

Bahorel:

**My Cosette...**

Erik:

**Shall live in my protection.**

Bahorel:

**Take her now!**

Erik:

I can't, she's in Montfermeil.

Bahorel:

**Good m'sieur, you come from God in heaven!**

Erik:

I never said I'd take your brat... _(glances at the Authoress)_

I mean, of course you're right, dear.

Bahorel:

**Take my hand**

**The night grows ever colder**

Erik:

**Then I will keep you warm... **Augh, that's just wrong!

Bahorel:

**Take my child**

**I give her to your keeping**

Erik: I'm so leaving right now.

Bahorel: _(doing a splendid job of ignoring him)_

**For God's sake, please stay till I am sleeping!**

**And tell Cosette I love her**

**And I'll see her when I wake...**

(He falls over deadly.)

Erik: It's about time.

(Piangi enters.)

Piangi:

**Valjean, at last, we see each other plain!**

**M'sieur le Maire, you'll wear a different chaaaaaiin **

Authoress: MUAHAHA AWESOMELY LOW NOTE!

Erik:

**Before you say another word, Javert!**

**Before you chain me up like a slave again**

**Listen to me! There is something I must do.**

**This woman leaves behind a suffering child! **None of this rhymes.

**There is none but me who can intercede.**

**In mercy's name, three days are all I need.**

**Then I'll return, I pledge my word.**

**Then I'll return! **My derriere he'll return.

Piangi: "Need" and "intercede" rhyme, so there!

**You must think me mad!**

**I've hunted you across the years!**

**Men like you can never change! **

**A man... such as you!**

(They begin singing together).

Erik:

**Believe of me what you will**

**There is a duty that I'm sworn to do!**

**You know nothing of my life**

**All I did was steal some bread**

**You know nothing of the world**

**You would sooner see me dead**

**But not before I see this justice done!**

**I am warning you, Javert**

**I'm a stronger man by far!**

**There is power in me yet,**

**My race is not yet run!**

**I am warning you, JAVERT!**

**There is nothing I won't dare**

**If I have to kill you here I'll do what must be done!**

Meanwhile, Piangi:

**Men like me can never change**

**Men like you can never change!**

**No, 24601**

**My duty's to the law**

**You have no rights!**

**Come with me 24601**

**Now the wheel has turned around!**

**Jean Valjean is nothing now!**

**Dare you talk to me of crime**

**And the price you had to pay**

**Every man is born in sin**

**Every man must choose his way!**

**You know nothing of JAVERT**

**I was born inside a jail!**

**I was born with scum like you!**

**I am from the gutter too!**

_(During this the Authoress has jumped to her feet and is wildly excited, as this is one of her absolute favorite parts of the_ _entire play. She is bouncing up and down and singing along with Piangi in an impression of Philip Quast, and slightly disturbing a few of the people backstage.)_

_(Erik grabs a chair and breaks it over Piangi's head, knocking him out.)_

Authoress: ERIK! You weren't s'posed to do that till later! And... that was bad! Now who's gonna finish the song? No... wait... I think I will.

_(The Authoress jumps up onstage and runs to the dressing room, where she pulls on her very own overcoat and duct tapes on a pair of sideburns, both left over from last year's Halloween. She rushes back onstage, takes Piangi's nightstick, and pushes his body into the wings.)_

Authoress: Okay, go!

Erik: _(to Bahorel's "dead" body, which is still in the roll-y bed)_

**And this I swear to you tonight!**

Authoress:

**There is no place for you to hide!**

Erik:

**Your child will live within my care!**

Authoress:

**Wherever you may hide away!**

Erik:

**And I will raise her to the light!**

Both:

**I swear to you, I will be there!**

_(Erik rushes over the Authoress with part of the chair, but she whaps him with her nightstick.)_

Erik: _(faints)_

Authoress:Oops. Sorry, it was a reflex. Here, somebody help me carry him offstage. Shoot, by the time this show is over we really will need a hospital...


	11. Castle on a Cloud Part I

A/N- And again I have taken my sweet time in updating. Actually... no, I can't think of an excuse. Meh.

Aislin of the Shadows- I got you hooked? Whoa, that'd be cool... my list of people I've Mizerized is only three thus far. Oh, sure, you can pop through I chapter. Hehe... as for bashing Erik, I don't dislike him, I just think he's been pampered enough in the world of fanfiction.

Amber Stag- At my handy dandy... thrift store!It was only about five bucks.

Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- Hey, I don't take offense to people saying actors who play Raoul are ugly if they really are. Which I don't know, cos the trailer goes by so fast it makes me dizzy and I can't cleary see anything. But yeah, I'll be there with my homemade half mask and everything.

Laiqualaurelote- You dislike Javert? Wow! Kudos for admitting it... I thought everyone was obsessed with him... Or maybe not. Me, I like everyone in LM but Tholomyes and... hm. Well, that's it then.

EriksDarkAngel- Isn't giggling like an idiot fun? And then you try to explain what's funny and get blank stares...

Devonny Strauss- Wow. I agree, "dwarfs are very upsetting" is perhaps the funniest line in any musical other than Forbidden Broadway. Your reviews made me feel so loved... _-cheesy grin-_

ErikaNapoleonica- Hm... why do I love Raoul? Cos he's so cute and adorable and innocent and lovable. I don't hate Erik, per se, but one must admit that, in canon, he's pretty evil. And I don't necessarily hate evil (Montparnasse is my favorite LM character) but when no one appreciates the way the Author set things up I find I must take defense of the original plot. Did that make sense?

Elyse3- Haha that's weird! I was Javert last year, still have the costume of course, and everyone thought I was Lincoln! I don't know HOW, seeing as Lincoln did not to my knowledge have big ol' sideburns... I think the top hat threw em off. Actually, one person asked if I was Dr. Jekyll... stupid un-Mizerized plebians (hehe).

AnotherErikPhan- But of course, Philip Quast is lord of all that is Javert. The Fantine you refer to, Ruthie Henshall, is indeed the best. I actually have every English recording of LM and two in French, and of all of these PQ and RH cannot be topped.

lazy.kender19- I'm rereading the book, and I actually see your point. Raoul is quick to jump to conclusions, he's easily offended, and he does have a tendency to cry a lot, but he's so CUTE!

nebulia- Ooh, they're hidden. Thanks, I'll check that out soon.

zella- Hey, the need of ridalin (dunno how you spell it) is perfectly understood here. But yeah, PQ rocks Terry's face off. Though PQcould never be the Beast, or Rum Tum Tugger for that matter. _-tries to picture that-_

bundles-o'-joy- I wonder if there's a way to give the chandelier a mouth... because that idea is priceless... I've gotta put the chandelier in this fic somewhere, though...

AngelMusic- Will the insanity ever stop? Of course not. I'll go check out your new story... I'll bet it doesn't suck.

Jaded Lover- Ah, have no fear! I don't usually abandon fics...

Thalia the Tiger- I saw it in Raleigh (NC) about a month ago... Sebastian Bach of rock n roll fame was playing the lead, which was quite odd, and the man on the OBC was playing John. It was pretty good, but I saw it twice when a nearby college put it on and they were much better... Whoa.

_(The Authoress is bouncing all over the stage in her Javert costume, frightening some of the actors badly. Were he conscious, Erik would probably have something snotty to say. Sadly, he is not conscious due to a... er... work-related accident for which the Authoress denies responsibility.)_

Authoress: I'LL LIVE INSIDE YOU FOREVER! NO! WITH SATAN HIMSELF BY MY SIDE! NO! AND I KNOW THAT NOW AND FOREVER THEY'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEPARATE JEKYLL FROM HYDE!

Carlotta: _(watching from a safe distance)_ She's mad!

Authoress: CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S OVER NOW? TIME TO DIE! NO, NOT I! ONLY YOU! IF I DIE YOU DIE TOO! YOU'LL DIE IN ME! I'LL BE YOU!

André: This sudden insanity could cause something of a dilemma...

Authoress: _(hearing him)_ COS THE GUEST OF HONOR'S CAUSING A DILEMMA! DOCTOR JEKYLL'S TARDY FROM HIS OWN ENGAGEMENT PARTY – HIS BETROTHAL TO SIR DANVER'S DAUGHTER EMMA...

Firmin: She already nearly murdered the poor opera ghost.

Authoress: MURDER, MURDER, IN THE NIGHT AIR! MURDER, MURDER, IT'S A RIGHT SCARE! BLOODY MURDER IN THE NIGHT! IN THE NIGHT!

_(Meg, who is still irritable about losing the part of Fantine, softly picks up Piangi's nightstick and tiptoes up behind the Authoress. Just as she is about to knock her out and put everyone out of their... terror... the Authoress turns around, grabs the nightstick, and whaps Meg with it. Meg faints.)_

Authoress: _(in a low, scary-ish voice)_ Bad news from God, Meggie!

Madame Giry: This is really getting out of hand.

_(Bahorel jumps to his feet.)_

Bahorel: I know what we could do!

_(He rushes backstage and finds the loudhailer used later on.)_

Bahorel: You bouncing round the stage, listen to this!

If you don't quit that you'll soon start a brawl!

You've gone insane!

That's no real change!

Shut up, sit down, or die!

_(At the sound of Les Mis, the Authoress's frenzied bouncing halts in midair. This being impossible, she falls onto the stage.)_

Authoress: Ow. ...AUGH! Meg's unconscious, too! We really do need a hospital ward...

_(She helps drag Meg backstage next to Piangi and Erik.)_

Authoress: Right then, what's next? Oh, Castle on a Cloud. And Piangi's Young Cosette... Piangi? _(Sees him lying backstage)_ Oh... right. Aw, not again. Castle on a Cloud, who wants it? It's an adorable little abused character who no one really appreciates...

_(She trails off. Everyone is staring at Raoul.)_

Authoress: In costume, icklekins!

Raoul: Wha- _(a costume lady yanks a ragged dress over his head a jams on a little cap)_ Why- _(he is handed a bucket)_

Authoress: Go, Raoul, go!

Raoul: I- _(the Authoress shoves him onstage as the music starts)_ Um... well. Ahem.

**There is a castle on a cloud**

**I like to go there in my sleep**

**Aren't any floors for me to sweep**

**Not in my castle on a cloud**

_(He begins to get in character, moving about the stage, which is set like a tavern, and taking some chairs down off of tables.)_

**There is a room that's full of toys**

**There are a hundred boys and girls**

**Nobody shouts or talks too loud**

**Not in my castle on a cloud**

_(He pauses and stares out over the audience)_

**There is a lady all in white**

**Holds me and sings a lullaby**

**She's nice to see and she's soft to touch**

**She says, 'Cosette, I love you very much...'**

_(Raoul reaches out as if to touch the nice lady, then comes to with a start and resumes his task of straightening the tavern.)_

**I know a place where no one's lost**

**I know a place where no one cries**

**Crying at all is not allowed**

**Not in my castle on a cloud...**

Authoress: AUGH I HEART YOU, RAOUL! YOU'RE THE BEST THING SINCE... MY GUY!

My Guy: _(wandering in)_ Really?

_(The Authoress screams like a fangirl and passes out.)_

My Guy: Er... whatever.

_(He leaves.)_

_(André, who has already donned a blue dress and red wig, comes onstage and looks out at the Authoress, chewing his lip.)_

André: Should we go on without her?

Carlotta: Thees ees madness!

Bahorel: Honestly, though, what kind of accent is that supposed to be?

Carlotta: I am Spa-neesh Eet-ahl-yon!

Madame Giry: She's already hurt my poor little Meg! I say we just leave her there and run away!

Buquet: That's right! We could escape!

_(They all run toward the stage door and try to open it except Raoul, Bahorel, and Christine, who aren't very insulted by the way the Authoress treats them. The company, however, discovers the door is locked. They rush to another door at the back of the theater, which is also locked, as is every other door they try.)_

Firmin: This is probably a fire hazard.

_(Raoul, meanwhile, has an idea. He takes the bucket from the tavern table and goes backstage. He returns with it full of water.)_

Christine: Oh, you're so smart, dear!

Raoul: I love you.

_(He dumps the water over the Authoress who jumps to her feet screaming something about My Guy... Dunno what.)_

Authoress: ANDHEWALKEDINAND... Hey... where'd everybody go?

Bahorel: They're trying to escape.

Authoress: Hehe... my doors can't be opened from the inside unless I authorize it.

Christine: We noticed.

Authoress: Ah well. _(She reaches under her chair and pulls out a big box.)_ Cookies for you three! And they aren't even cyber-cookies.

_(Philippe wanders in.)_

Philippe: I love that dress, Raoul.

Raoul: Really? Because I thought that torn-to-shreds look wasn't really great on me...

Authoress: Ooh look, it's Philippe!

Philippe: Yeah... What have you done to my brother?

Authoress: I've made him a star! Isn't that right, icklekins? And the audience loves him. And he loves them! And they love him for loving them...

_(A bunch of girls in suits come out of the shadows and begin walking toward Raoul.)_

Scary Girls: Raoul... Raoul... Raoul...

_(Raoul screams and runs backstage, locking himself in a dressing room. The scary girls disappear.)_

Bahorel: What on earth was that?

Authoress: You know, like the scene where Roxie is singing and those dudes come at her... 'Mm, I'm a star...'

_(They stare blankly at her.)_

Authoress: Don't tell me you've never seen Chicago!

Bahorel: Erm... no...

Christine: That's a town in America!

Authoress: Ya. I can't believe it ... I thought everyone saw that movie!

Philippe: What's a movie?

Authoress: AUGH! Your life must suck!

Philippe: What?

Authoress: You've probably never even seen Lord of the Rings!

Bahorel: 'Fraid not...

_(A big television appears out of nowhere and the Authoress motions Christine, Philippe, and Bahorel to some chairs.)_

Authoress: Wait here while I go get Raoul, and then I'll educate you all to the wonders of Middle Earth.

_(She goes backstage, leaving the three characters confused.)_

Christine:_ (pointing to the television)_ What is that thing?

_(The Authoress returns with Raoul, and they all sit down to a Lord of the Rings back-to-back marathon.)_

_(Galadriel begins to speak.)_

Christine: Where's everybody else?

Authoress: Shh!


	12. Castle on a Cloud Part II

A/N- I shall make an attempt to make up for my random acts of violence... I suppose. And everyone who said something along the lines of "I love LOTR," by the way, got sucked into the story. I don't know how it happened, exactly, it just did. Ah well.

Aislin of the Shadows- The thing about my audience is, they come and go. They were there for a while, then they disappeared, then they came back. Perhaps they went down the street to get a drink and escape the insanity? I am one of the most obsessive musical freaks you'll meet. Almost all my CDs are Broadway shows, and I'm working on building up a t-shirt collection, which thus far consists of several LM shirts, one J&H shirt, and a shirt from Cats. Jekyll & Hyde actually beat out POTO for my second favorite musical... I just love them dark shows that make you go... well, I can't really spell the feeling. Closest I can get is "OoooAHHAHA!" but that does it little justice... Yay for cute Raouls!

Elyse3- Yeah... I'm sure the audience and pit are very confused... This is the type of thing not many people could follow... hehe.

ErikaNapoleonica- Fear not! Erik is a-coming back soon! Very soon, in fact. And, sure, come along!

Laiqualaurelote- Huzzah for back-to-back LOTR marathons! I can't wait till the Extended Edition of ROTK comes out... I plan to get it for Christmas, ya know.

lazy.kender19- Popcorn! Yum... good idea. _-wanders off to the kitchen-_

nebulia- Would you be terribly upset if Bahorel acted... er... oddly for a while? Hehe...

bundlesojoy- Wouldn't a singing barricade be awesome? Hey, I know how a chandelier could have a mouth! WHOA! Erik's a ventriloquist, right? Muahaha! He can give anything a mouth!

Jaded Lover- I know it! Every time someone tells me they don't like LOTR a part of me dies... _-weeps- _Those ridiculously uneducated people...

Devonny Strauss- I've heard a lot of people complain about that over the years, but for some reason it never bugged me... I dunno, it feels like Alain Boublil is just kinda saying "HA! You thought it was going to rhyme, you silly person! Ah, but I laugh at your need for rhyme and I mock your scorn! HA!"... Maybe I'm just too... um... creative?

* * *

Sam: Well, I'm back…

_(The credits begin to roll.)_

Authoress: Wasn't that just GREAT?

Philippe: Erm…

Authoress: What does that mean, erm? I know you aren't insulting the greatness that is Lord of the Rings!

Philippe: Well, Raoul kinda ruined it by screaming "YOUR HAND AT THE LEVEL OF YOUR EYES" every time that one guy came on…

Authoress: I know, and Gollum doesn't even look that much like Erik…

Raoul: Well, what about you singing all the way through that scene where the curly-haired guys were asleep and Erik was talking to himself?

Authoress: You KNOW that warranted at least a little Jekyll and Hyde… It's so the Confrontation.

Christine: How about when you sang with that one man?

Authoress: I love that song! And Billy Boyd can sing, can't he?

Christine: I meant the other song you sang. The one with Erik.

Authoress: Oh! The rock and pool… is nice and cool… so juicy SWEET!

Philippe: I beg you to stop.

Authoress: So you didn't like the movie?

Raoul: I didn't get it… But that one elf reminded me of you, Christine.

Christine: Aw, sweetie, d'you mean the nice blonde lady?

Raoul: No… the one… the one who… who killed the giant elephant.

Bahorel: Legolas?

Raoul: Yeah…

Authoress: He reminded you of Christine?

Raoul: I think so.

Christine: Honey, I think you just compared me to a man.

Bahorel: But he was a hot man!

Authoress: ACK! BAD IMAGES!

Raoul: I thought he was an elf…

Bahorel: Let's watch it again!

Authoress: Yeah! Wait… why would you wanna sit through another twelve hours of movie?

Bahorel: I… have my reasons…

Authoress: Okay, no, my eye is so twitching right now.

Philippe: By the way, who're they?

_(He points to the seats behind him, where quite a few people are sitting.)_

Authoress: Oh, those are the reviewers who wanted to watch the movies.

ErikaNapoleonica: Yes, and now we want to see the rest of the show.

Authoress: K. Where'd everyone get off to?

Elyse3: They were all trying to escape your evil theater of doom, remember?

Authoress: Right… okay. I need them, though… uh… How to find them in the enormous theater of my mind?

Bahorel: Aren't you a magical Authoress?

Authoress: Oh! Duh…

_(Then entire group falls from the ceiling, landing in a pile on the stage. No one, however, is hurt, because the Authoress still feels a little bad about her earlier Hyde-ish tendencies.)_

Authoress: Okay, so I need André, Firmin, and icklekins to be ready. We're doing that scene where you find out about… oh, I forgot to cast a young Eponine… Um… Christine, you do it, okay?

Christine: All… right…

Authoress: Everybody onstage now! I like Lord of the Rings a lot. Okay, so about a day ago, before that random… interruption… Raoul had just finished singing Castle on a Cloud… yeah okay, start there.

Raoul:

**Not in my castle on a cloud…**

**Oh help! I think I hear them now! **

**And I'm nowhere near finished sweeping,**

**Scrubbing, and polishing the floor!**

**Oh, it's her…**

**IT'S MADAME!**

_(André storms in, slamming a bucket onto a table and startling Raoul to death. He is wearing a blue dress and a red wig, and he immediately begins threatening the vicomte in rags.)_

André: _(in his best Cockney)_

**Now look oo's ere!**

**The lit'l**… monsieur 'imself

**Pretendin' once again e's been so**

**Awfully good!**

**Be'er not let me catch you slackin'!**

**Be'er not catch my eye!**

**Ten rot'en francs yer mother sends me!**

**Wot is that goin' t' buy? **My, but I'm not very nice, am I?

**Now take that pail!**

**My lit'l mademoiselle**

**And go an' fetch some water from the well!**

**We should never 'ave taken you in, in the first place!**

'**Ow stupid th' things that we do!**

**Like mother, like daughter,**

**The scum of the street!**

_(Christine enters, prancing about and trying to be cute. André pats her on the head.)_

**Eponine, come my dear,**

**Eponine, let me see you**

**You look very well in that lit'l blue hat!**

**There are some lit'l girls 'oo know 'ow to behave**

**An' they know wot to wear**

**An' I'm sayin' thank 'eaven for that!**

But… why… my goodness, it's a touch like Cinderella, isn't it?

_(The Authoress growls.)_

André:

Er… **Still there, Cosette?**

**Your tears will do you no good!**

**I told you, fetch some water from the well in the wood!**

Raoul: _(pitifully)_

**Please do not send me out alone**

**Not in the darkness on my own…**

André: Aw, look at that face! How can I beat someone with such big sad eyes?

Authoress: Because I'm threatening you?

Firmin: Why on earth, my esteemed partner, did you just imply that you thought Monsieur le Vicomte to be adorable?

Authoress: Because he is adorable. Shut up.

André: _(reluctantly)_

**Enough of that!**

**Or I'll forget t' be nice!**

**You 'eard me ask for somethin'**

**And I never ask twice!**

_(André chases Raoul out with the giant bucket as Christine looks on nervously. A few various drinkers enter, and they are prepared to sing when…)_

Laiqualaurelote: HOLD IT!

Authoress: Can I… help you?

Jaded Lover: You can't tellus you plan to continue this entire story with Erik knocked out backstage.

Other Reviewers: Yeah…

Authoress: I'm just waiting for him to come around naturally… You know…

lazy.kender19: What about the way Raoul woke you up in the last update?

Authoress: Um… do you… uh… really think that Raoul would wake Erik up if he could?

nebulia: Then you do it.

Authoress: Okay, listen, we don't need him again until Look Down, when-

Other Reviewers: Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik…

Authoress: _(over their shouts)_ If you could settle down…

_(As she is trying to control the angry mob that seems to be gathering,Aislin of the Shadowssneaks away from the crowd and takes Raoul's bucket.)_

Raoul: HEY! … AUTHORESS!

Other Reviewers: Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik…

Authoress: I'm a little busy, icklekins!

Raoul: This is a bit important.

Other Reviewers: Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik! Free Erik…

Authoress: It can't wait?

_(There is a spluttering sound backstage and Erik comes running in, dripping wet.)_

Other Reviewers: Free Erik! Free – YAY! _(they burst into applause)_

Authoress: Ahem… Erik… how're you feeling?

Erik: My head hurts.

Authoress: Gee… um… hey, d'you wanna be a drinker?

Erik: NO! GET ME OUT!

Authoress: Nope. My phic – you're stuck. D'you wanna be a drinker or not?

Erik: Fine! I knew you would drive me to drinking before long…

Authoress: Lovely. Get onstage, then.


	13. Master of the House

A/N- I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Muaha.

AngelMusic- Never fear, I shall carefully include you! _-Smeagol with rabbit laugh-_

Bubonic Woodchuck- Tell your conscience it's water and raise a glass! I must be very cheerful today, as I really want to put "Muahaha" at the end of everything I type...

Tziporah- It's a crime to be uneducated to LOTR, but it's even worse to say it's stupid without seeing it. _-shakes fist-_

Jaded Lover- I think Erik's been annoyed with this whole affair ever since I tricked him with the five bucks just before I Dreamed A Dream. I'm so abusive...

VampireNextDoor- I just can't "convert" to E/C... it's like saying Marius loved Eponine or Aragorn loved Eowyn (or Eowyn loved Grima, for that matter)... It's just not right! Good luck with the Spanish homework.

nebulia- Insanity is what first brought me to fanfiction... it's just so fun and ca-razy! Sometimes. And yay for the Scarlet Pimpernel! I got the CD for Christmas, and I'm starting to REALLY like Terrence Mann. Not as Javert, though. Just Chauvelin and the Beast and that Czogoloczczczcz guy in Assassins. I should really learn how to spell that...

lazy.kender19- Augh, this was a terriblly longupdate! Never fear, though, I'll try to prevent it from happenning again. Is that how you spell happenning? Hmm...

MaskedPhantom- Did you hear that, Erik? Ah, well, he knows it. Heh.

H. Sibelius- Yay, you have wandered into the insanity that is this crazy never-ending story! Hehe... it's okay, I've read some stories I had no idea what was going on. Just remember one thing - all of these people are OOC... you probably noted that with poor Bahorel.

Aislin of the Shadows- They are now! Hehehehehe... And because it was your idea, I'll make it... your idea! Whoa, that's creative.

ErikaNapoleonica- Man of La Mancha! I like that quite a lot... my CD of it was destroyed, however... _-weeps-_ I dunno, Raoul's a little crazy... but so is everyone else... obviously.

Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- For shame, madame! Of course Raoul is cute! He's adorkable!

Elyse3- There's a thought... muaha. The Odyssey... blargh... so boring...

Phantomraver- Yay for "not minding" Raoul! Heh. I'm really the opposite - Raoul is my favorite but, contrary to all appearances, I don't mind Erik. And don't worry - I've not had the chance to see Phantom onstage, but here I write this phic.

anon reviewer- I know.

Laiqualaurelote- I got mine! Huzzah! And I spent all Christmas morning watching it.

Devonny Strauss- YES. HUGE recommendation for Jekyll & Hyde. Splendid, splendid show. As to things I have planned, surprising... nothing. I just sorta make it up as I go along... which is why it's so random.

Aria- This story still lives! Somewhat... Isn't it great to try to impersonate the actors? Or to act out what they're doing on the TAC video? Muaha I'm crazy.

* * *

_(The characters are all sitting around on the edge of the stage, swinging their legs or sleeping or… just being bored. The reviewers are all asleep in the audience. All is silent. A dressing room door swings backstage, and a crumpled-up playbill rolls by.)_

Carlotta: Where ees sat-a Ausoress?

Philippe: That really is a terrible accent, you know.

Erik: I haven't seen her since she told me to be a drinker…

Raoul: Boredom… overtaking me… must… do… something…

Erik: Ooh, "overtaking"! Big word, fop.

Raoul: You can't talk to me that way! I'm under the Authoress's protection!

Erik: But the Authoress isn't here, is she?

Raoul: Still…

Erik: Fop. Fop fop fop fop fop.

Raoul: Stop it!

Christine: Oh, don't worry, my love! Just ignore him! He only wants attention, anyway.

Erik: Do not!

_(No one says anything.)_

Erik: Curse you all!

_(Still no response.)_

Erik: ARGH!

Philippe: Where's that guy from Les Mis? You know, the one with that creepy obsession with the elf…

_(Everyone begins to search, but Bahorel is nowhere to be found. Passing a seemingly deserted dressing room, however, Firmin hears the sounds of talking. He pokes his head in.)_

Giant Television: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.

_(Bahorel is sitting cross-legged in front of the screen, his nose about an inch away from the picture.)_

Firmin: That's just gay.

_(He returns to the stage.)_

Erik: I'm still bored. Who wants to play… strip poker?

Raoul: I do! … Wait… what is strip poker?

Christine: Just walk away, dearest. Walk away.

Erik: WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO ME?

Buquet: What a ridiculous question.

_(Smoke suddenly pours into the theater, and a trapdoor opens in the stage. The Authoress jumps out.)_

Authoress: Didja miss me? Huh? Huh? Didja?

Raoul: YAY! I'M SAVED!

Erik: Oh, great.

Madame Giry: Where were you? And why on Earth did that update take so long?

Authoress: I was working on my newest story, Charmer of the Shadows! It's the life story of my love Montparnasse, from birth to death… PG-13 for Montparnasse-ish-ness.

André: May we simply continue the show?

Authoress: Yeah, sure. Where'd we leave off? It's been so long I've forgotten.

Erik: You were about to make me drink.

Authoress: Ah, good, Master of the House. Who're all my drinkers?

_(Erik raises his hand.)_

Authoress: Well that's no good! I need 'bout eight.

Aislin of the Shadows: Ooh, ooh, pick me! Pick me!

Authoress: Oh, good, you're still here! Hey, the hidden feature on the third extended edition is hysterical! I fell out of my chair when Dom started going "Philippa… Phlipa… Flippa… Flipper…" Omigosh you should watch it. Anyway, all you reviewer chaps and chappettes, come drink with me!

_(The reviewers scramble onstage and take their seats in the tavern that Raoul was good enough to clean up in the last two updates. The Authoress passes out tankards.)_

AngelMusic: So who's who?

Authoress: I don't care.

Bubonic Woodchuck: So we all just sorta… go at it?

Authoress: Yup.

_(The music begins.)_

_(No one sings.)_

Authoress: I said, just go at it!

_(The music begins again.)_

_(Elyse3 andH. Sibeliusbegin to sing at the same time, then stop.)_

Authoress: I… JUST… WANT YOU… TO… SING!

_(The music begins again.)_

H. Sibelius:

**Come on, you ol' pest!**

Elyse3:

**Fetch a bottle of your best!**

Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer:

**Wot's the nectar of the day?**

Firmin:

'**Ere try this lot!**

**Guaranteed to 'it the spot**

**Or I'm not Thénardier!**

Erik:

**Gissa glass o' rum!**

**Landlord over 'ere!**

Firmin: (muttering)

**Right away, ya scum…**

**RIGHT AWAY, M'SIEUR!**

ErikaNapoleonica:

**God, this place has gone to hell!**

Phantomraver:

**So ya tell me ev'ry year!**

MaskedPhantom:

**Mine 'ost Thénardier**

'**E was there, so they say**

**At the fields of Waterloo!**

VampireNextDoor:

**Got there it's true**

**When the fight was all through!**

AngelMusic:

**But 'e knew jus' wot to do!**

**Crawling through th' mud!**

**So I've 'eard it said!**

**Picking through th' pockets **

**Of the English dead!**

Tziporah:

'**E made a tidy score **

**From the spoils of war!**

Firmin: I'm bored.

Authoress: WHAT? Sing your bit.

Firmin: I don't wanna. I'm bored.

Authoress: What would be less than boring?

Firmin: I dunno… Could I sing it like Carlotta?

Authoress: Heck, no! We've had enough Carlotta for one fic.

Firmin: Then I quit.

Authoress: You can't… well, fine, I'll just replace you. Okay, who wants to play Thénardier?

_(There is no response.)_

Authoress: Come on, guys! Who wants this role?

_(A man steps out of the shadows. He is tall, with dark hair and nice clothes.)_

Man: I could, if no one else will.

Christine: Who is that?

Man: I've been watching this show, Miss Daaé, and I must say that you have a splendid voice. As do you, Sir with the mask.

Authoress: How'd you get in here?

Man: I was wandering about in your mind, Miss Authoress, and I happened to see a door. I opened it, and I was led here.

Authoress: A door from my mind, you say? Cool.

Man: And I happened to notice your dilemma, and I supposed that I could aid you.

Authoress: Well, dandy! I dunno who you are, but go for it!

Man: Would it bother you if I simply began the song? I'm afraid I am not familiar with this bit at the beginning.

Authoress: Whatever floats your raft across your underground lake.

Man:

**Welcome, M'sieur**

**Sit yourself down**

**And meet the best innkeeper in town.**

**As for the rest**

**All of them crooks**

**Rooking their guests**

**And cooking the books.**

**Seldom do you see**

**Honest men like me!**

**A gent of good intent who's content… to… **_(he trails off)_

Dear God! What's this? _(The Man puts a hand to his stomach.)_ Something is happening I can't explain… something inside me… A breathtaking pain… _(His voice grows steadily louder)_ Devours, consumes me… And drives me insane! _(He collapses onto the floor and goes into a fit. In the process of squirming around on the floor, he manages to muss his hair. And he springs to his feet again after a moment.)_

Authoress: Dude! I know who you are!

Man: _(in a much deeper voice than before)_ Who are you? What am I doing here? What do you want?

Authoress: Sing, Edward.

Man: How do you know my name?

Authoress: SING MASTER OF THE HOUSE OR YOU SHALL PERISH!

Man Now Know to be Edward: Erm… okay.

**Master of the House**

**Doling out the charm**

**Ready with a handshake **

**And an open palm**

**Tells a saucy tale**

**Makes a little stir**

**Customers appreciate**

**A bon-viveur**

**Glad to do a friend a favor**

**Doesn't cost me to be nice**

**But nothing… **_(he too breaks off, collapsing onto the floor)_

Authoress: This is ridiculous.

_(The Man known as Edward gets back onto his feet, his hair smoothed again.)_

Authoress: Henry, I presume?

Edward-Henry: Oh, no… Not here, not now!

Authoress: It's okay, doc. Just finish the song before everyone dies of boredom!

Henry: I can't! I must go!

Authoress: All right, fine. But don't leave that door open! More wackos could get in.

_(The odd man has already left.)_

Erik: And I thought I was weird.

Carlotta: Oo was that?

Authoress: That, my friends, was Doctor Henry Jekyll. With a brief appearance by Mr. Edward Hyde.

André: That's good and well, but what to do about this song? I'm really looking forward to it.

Authoress: I guess we'll have to skip it.

nebulia: Why don't you do Thénardier?

Authoress: … Why I didn't think of that, the world will never know. But we're cutting to the last verse.

_(The Authoress rushes offstage to get into costume while André begins his verse.)_

André:

**I used to dream that I would meet a prince…**

**But God almighty, 'ave you seen wot's 'appened since?**

"**Master of the 'ouse"**

**Isn't worth me spit!**

"**Comforter, philosopher,"**

**And lifelong shit!**

**Cunning lit'l brain**

**Regular Voltaire!**

**Thinks 'e's quite a lover**

**But there's not much there!**

**Wot a cruel trick of nature**

**Landed me with such a louse!**

**God knows 'ow I've lasted**

**Living with this bastard**

**In the 'ouse!**

_(The Authoress comes dashing in as Thénardier, just in time to lead the assorted drinkers in another refrain.)_

Authoress and Reviewers:

**Master of the house!**

André:

**Master and an 'alf!**

Chorus:

**Comforter, philosopher…**

André:

**Don't make me laugh!**

Chorus:

**Servant to the poor**

**Butler to the great**

André:

**Hypocrite and toady**

**And inebriate!**

Reviewers:

**Everybody bless the landlord**

**Everybody bless his spouse!**

Authoress:

**Everybody raise a glass!**

_(All cheer.)_

André:

**Raise it up the master's ass!**

_(All shout and laugh.)_

Authoress, André, and Reviewers:

**Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!**

* * *

A/N- Sorry to all the reviewers I couldn't squish into this chapter! I still love you, I promise!


	14. Waltz of Treachery

A/N- My Internet at home is broken, so I've been coming to the library during lunch to update... Man, does it suck.

AngelMusic- Christine has smoke coming out of her ears? FIRE! ...

Devonny Strauss- Yay I made you laugh... or go teehee.

Phantomraver- I just love the Thenardiers... they're so hilarious... and Cockney rocks!

Britomartis- A curse on sideburns? _(protects Javert and Elvis)_ When you say Raoul, d'you mean the POTO movie or the show?

Jaded Lover- Think about it, though... Erik jut wanted attention the whole time! I'm willing to put money on it.

nebulia- Gerard Butler is an insult to Erik. And coming from me, that means a lot. That's really all I have to say...

H. Sibelius- No idea... prolly just randomness.

angelina 809- Okay! _(runs away with Hyde)_ Ah no! Death by deduction!

Zecorda- Why does wet Erik make you splutter? Wait... I might not want to know...

galabalesh- Don't worry! Out of boredom I've begun to bring in many a random character from other shows...

Aislin of the Shadows- You're right it'll catch on... and I think Erik's Enj, I forgot too... I'll remember that Billy Flynn thing.

Tziporah- Ah! The EE is splendid and wonderful! I love Sauruman's boots.

lazy.kender19- Uh-oh... yeah, I told Jekyll to shut the door, so we should be safe... unless he forgot...

Aquamirajie Tararei- Never fear! She returns with a bang in the next chapter!

Cyprus Tree- According to Gaston Leroux, Raoul is not a mindless twit. And according to me (sort of...)

Bubonic Woodchuck- I know! And the thing about Flipper! I really did fall out of my chair when he did that and I laughed until I cried. No lie.

Elyse3- Ooh, I do desire it! That's a brilliant name. And amen in your protection of the dear Vicomte.

Baffled Seraph- NOOOOO! _(saves Raoul)_ Les Mis does indeed rock!

* * *

_(The characters are all having a drink… of water… and congratulating themselves on the success of their unforgivably shortened song. The Authoress has disappeared again, but she returns with her arms full of boxes.)_

Authoress: 'Ello, 'ello! I bought presents for everyone!

Raoul: Presents? Yay!

_(The Authoress starts handing out the boxes, and everyone unwraps their gift.)_

Firmin: It's… a hat… shaped like horns…

André: Mine's shaped like a chicken…

Madame Giry: Tickets to the circus?

Carlotta: A doggie?

Buquet: _(holding up a book)_ "How to Work in a Phantom-Infested Theater Without Dying"… erm… You shouldn't have?

Authoress: Open the other part!

_(Buquet unwraps a little brown flask.)_

Buquet: What's this for?

Authoress: It's yours!

Buquet: _(shaking it)_ It's bloody empty.

_(The Authoress laughs hysterically at this, and no one is really sure why.)_

Erik: _(opening his gift)_ What is that thing?

Authoress: It's a monkey just for you! I named it Daroga.

Erik: Daroga…?

Daroga: Ook-ook!

Christine: My gift is ticking…

_(Erik dives across the stage and grabs her box, throwing it as far as he can. A moment later an explosion is heard from the other end of the theater.)_

Christine: You took my present!

Erik: I just saved your life!

Christine: Oh, sure you did.

Erik: _(to the Authoress)_ Why were you trying to blow Christine up?

Authoress: _(whistles innocently… or she would, if she could whistle. Instead she hums… innocently.)_

Christine: Raoul! Erik took my present before I could open it!

Raoul: _(to Erik)_ You took her present? You're nothing but a big smelly meanie!

Erik: I saved her life!

Raoul: You stole her present!

Erik: Did not!

Raoul: Did so! Meanie!

Authoress: Okay, okay, that's enough.

Raoul: Wait… Why didn't I get a present?

_(The Authoress just stares at him in awe.)_

Raoul: Hellooo…?

_(Stare.)_

Erik: What on earth happened to her?

Raoul: I think she's gone crazy.

Erik: She didn't have very far to go.

Madame Giry: Excuse me, Mam'zelle Authoress?

Authoress: Hmm?

Madame Giry: Where is my little Meg?

Authoress: Backstage somewhere…

Madame Giry: I just checked. She's not there.

Authoress: What the- Well, I guess she woke up and left. Is Piangi still there?

Madame Giry: Yes.

Authoress: Good. We don't want him running around… speaking of running around, where's Bahorel?

Madame Giry: I don't know, mademoiselle, but are you aware that it's been three Microsoft Word pages and we have yet to do anything?

Authoress: Oh, right… Can everyone get in place for the Waltz?

Raoul: We're gonna waltz?

Authoress: _(Stare. Drool.)_

Raoul: She's starting to frighten me.

Erik: Starting?

Raoul: Yes, why?

Erik: She-

Authoress: Get in your places or die!

_(The stage has turned to show a little well, and Raoul takes his bucket and goes to it. Erik comes up behind him. Raoul turns around and shouts. In fear, that is.)_

Erik:

**Hush now; do not be afraid of me.**

**Don't cry. Show me to where you live.**

**Tell me, my child, what is your name?**

Raoul:

**I'm called Cosette.**

_(The two return to the Thénardier tavern, where the Authoress and André are shooing out the last of the guests and cleaning up.)_

Erik:

**I found her wandering in the wood, this little child**

**I found her trembling in the shadows.**

**And I am here to help Cosette**

**And I will settle any debt**

**You may think proper.**

**I will pay what I must pay**

**To take Cosette away…**

**There is a duty I must heed.**

**There is a promise I have made**

**For I was blind to one in need**

**I did not see what stood before me.**

**Now her mother is with God!**

_(The Authoress and André make a show out of crying and moaning… for about two seconds.)_

**Fantine's suffering is over!**

**And I speak here with her voice-** that would be weird, wouldn't it? I mean, if he spoke with a woman's voice…

Authoress: I'm not playing with you.

Erik:

**And I stand here in her place! And from this day and evermore-**

André:

**Let me 'ave yer coat, m'sieur?**

Erik:

**Cosette shall live in my protection.**

Authoress:

**You are very welcome 'ere!**

Erik:

**I will not forsake my vow!**

Authoress:

**Take a glass!**

André:

**Take a chair!**

Erik:

**Cosette shall have a father now… **Before we really begin, Authoress, I'd like you to know how difficult it is for me to say that I'll take the Royal Fop here away from an abusive environment to live safely with me in Paris.

Authoress: D'you think it's easy for me to let you take poor, sweet Patrick Wi- I mean Raoul! – away from me?

Erik: Didn't look at it that way.

Raoul: Patrick Wi?

Erik: Just let it go…

Authoress:

**Wot to do? Wot to say?**

**Shall you carry our treasure away? **Watch, I can do it like Barry James on the CSR!

**Wot a gem! Wot a pearl! **

**Beyond rrrlbbbbbiiiiels is our little girl!**

'**Ow can we speak of debt?**

**Let's not 'aggle for darling** Colette. _(André leans over and whispers something in her ear.) _**Cosette!**

**Dear Fantine, gone to rest… **_(André_ _wails and pretends to cry)._

**'Ave we done for 'er child wot is best?**

**Shared out bread! Shared each bone!**

**Treated 'er like she's one of our own…**

**Like our own, m'sieur!**

Erik: Oh, then you don't want me taking her- _him_. I'd lock him in my torture chamber and throw lampreys on him.

Authoress: No you wouldn't, because I'd kill you.

Erik: Of course.

**Your feelings do you credit, sir. **

**And I will ease the parting blow**

**Let us not talk of bargains or bones or greed**

_(He sets some money on the table.)_

**Now may I say we are agreed?**

Has anyone else noticed that I'm the only person in this scene who is actually the same gender as the character I'm portraying?

André:

**That would quite**

**Fit the bill**

**If she 'adn't so often been ill!**

**Little dear cost us dear! Medicines are expensive, m'sieur!**

**Not that we'd begrudge a sou…**

**It's no more than we Christians must do!**

_(The Authoress makes the sign of the Cross wrong as Erik puts some more money on the table.)_

Authoress and André:

**One thing more!**

**One small doubt!**

**There are treacherous people about!**

**No offense!**

**Please reflect!**

**Your intentions may not be correct…**

_(Erik puts down even more money. Poor chap.)_

Erik:

**No more words! Here's your price!**

**Fifteen hundred for your sacrifice!**

Raoul: Fifteen hundred what?

Erik: Don't you dare start that again!

**Come, **you brat**! Say goodbye!**

**Let us seek out a friendlier sky!**

**Thank you both for Cosette.**

**It won't take you too long to forget…**

_(The Authoress and André didn't hear a word of that, for they were much too busy counting up their newly… earned… money. Erik leaves with Raoul.)_

**Come, **you brat! **Come, my dear.**

**From now on I will always be here. Where I go you will be…**

Raoul:

Please don't say that! You're

Frightening me!

Erik:

**Yes, **Raoul**, yes, it's true.**

**There's a **life with me **waiting for you…**

_(Raoul gulps as Erik shoves him offstage.)_

Authoress: QUIT THAT NOW OR DIE! Don't hurt poor little Patrick.

Raoul: Er… my name's Raoul.

Authoress: That's what I said.

Erik: That's it, I'm summoning the police.

_(A small man with a fox-like face wearing all black and clutching a snuffbox emerges from the shadows.)_

Little Man: I've come, citoyen. What did you need of me?

Authoress: I TOLD JEKYLL TO SHUT THAT DOOR!


	15. Look Down

A/N- Sorry that took so long. My computer was, as you may or may not know, broken for a full eleven days. Eleven days of excruciating torture for me... I had no forums, no fanfiction, and no Microsoft Word. I ended up going to see the POTO film five times and renting LSOH and watching it several times a day. I even made a papier-mâché Audrey III! Yes, I was friggin dying.

(The characters are huddled in the corner, whispering amongst themselves. The Authoress is sitting in another corner, drawing on a piece of notebook paper and talking to Chauvelin in broken French.)

Madame Giry: _(flipping a long braid that has grown since the last update) _Why doesn't M'sieur le Vicomte ask? Ze Auzoress seems to like heem quite a lot.

Raoul: But why me?

Firmin: Because she likes you. She tried to kill Miss Daaé, and it's obvious she doesn't care much for the Opera Ghost.

André: I want my hair back, dangit!

(Meanwhile...)

Authoress: Et Robespierre était... um... crazy?

Chauvelin: Citoyen Robespierre? Jamais! Il est un génie!

Authoress: He's a... genie? ... Dude, no wonder I make all my characters speak English!

(Raoul approaches them.)

Authoress: What's wrong, love?

Raoul: Well... er... the others and I were noticing that some things are different since last update...

Authoress: Such as...?

Raoul: Well, my hair. I used to have curly hair, see, and now it's long and blondish... and Madame Giry developed a thick accent and grew a braid overnight... and Buquet seems to have gotten about fifty years younger... I don't know what you did to Firmin and André, but they look rather odd... Not to mention poor Christine's pretty blonde hair turned brown...

Erik: And how come I don't look any different, huh?

Authoress: I like you with glowing yellow eyes and a skull head. If I'd changed you, you'd be a stupid hot Elvis guy! I know you don't wanna be a stupid hot Elvis guy who can't sing worth poo. So I let you stay hideous and deformed.

Erik: I hate you.

Authoress: Mutual. But Raoul, don't you like your pretty Patrick Wilson hair?

Raoul: Actually... yeah... but Christine...

Authoress: Fine, okay, I'll re-Leroux-ify Christine.

Raoul: The managers? Madame Giry? Monsieur Buquet?

Authoress: Hon, do you think Madame Giry is a nice lady right now?

Raoul: Yeah...

Authoress: Then trust me, you don't want me to Leroux-ify her. As for Buquet, he was pretty much dead to begin with. Like Marley.

Raoul: Like who?

Authoress: And the managers are completely Weber... I mean, I could call them Richard and Moncharmin, but aren't André and Firmin easier to say?

Raoul: Actually... yes.

Chauvelin: C'est vrai, ce qu'elle a dit.

Authoress: Okay, Chauv, speak English.

Chauvelin: Je veux savoir, pouq-why are you holding me here against my will?

Authoress: _(to Raoul)_ That was cool, wasn't it?

Raoul: Um... it was a little frightening.

Authoress: Don't mock me. Okay, Christine's blonde again.

Raoul: The others?

Authoress: No, I like them this way.

Raoul: Er... okay.

(Madame Giry joins them.)

Madame Giry: Mademoiselle Auzoress, you 'af not 'elped to find my leettle Meg.

Authoress: _(to Raoul)_ Ick, you're right. _(to Madame Giry) _Don't do that anymore.

Madame Giry: Eef she 'as gone meeseeng, I really must know where she is. After all, she is my daughter...

Authoress: That's power.

(Raoul runs off to make sure Christine is blonde again, which she is.)

Madame Giry: Mam'zelle Authoress, are you even listening to me?

Authoress: Huh? No.

Madame Giry: My little Meg! She is still missing!

Authoress: Well, she'll show up eventually. After all, there's no way to escape this theater without my permission.

Chauvelin: But there is a way in without your permission.

Authoress: Apparently.

Chauvelin: What are you and these strange people doing in here, citizenness?

Authoress: We're doing Les Mis, and it's quite fun! Wanna join in? You could be a pimp or something.

Chauvelin: A pimp?

Authoress: Oh, no, wait! You can be Javert! ... No... Never mind. That's too in character for you... It won't even be interesting... I guess I could be Javert... or maybe not... Oh, no, I have it! Yes, I have a role for you! _(Getting to her feet) _Okay, yay! Let's start looking down, shall we?

(The music cranks up, and the ensemble takes their places on the very cool set that has migrated onstage from the wings. The poor is made up of reviewers, of course...)

All:

Look down and see 

**The beggars at your feet**

**Look down and show**

**Some mercy if you can!**

**Look down and see**

**The sweepings of the street**

**Look down, look down**

**Upon your fellow man!**

(Erik comes center stage, looking irritated, as usual, with his new role.)

Erik

**How do you do, my name's Gavroche.**

Authoress: COCKNEY OR PERISH!

Erik

These're me people an' 'ere's my patch Not much t' look at, nothing posh Nothing that you'd call up t' scratch 

**This is m' school, my 'igh society**

'**Ere in th' slums of Saint-Michel**

**We live on crumbs of 'umble piety**

**Tough on the teeth, but what the hell?**

**Think you're poor?**

**Think you're free**

Unlike me

**Follow me... **If I were in character you would all be dead... except perhaps Christine...

Authoress: Wah.

Ensemble

Look down and show some mercy if you can 

**Look down, look down, upon your fellow man!**

Authoress: Aw, junk! Meg's not here! Erm... Chauv, you do it.

(The citizen of the French Republic has no idea what's going on, but he agrees anyway. Poor chap.)

Madame Giry

Whatcha think yer at 'Anging round me pitch 

**If you're new around here, girl**

**You've got a lot to learn!**

Chauvelin: _(slowly, a little confused)_

**Listen... you old bat**

**Crazy bloody witch**

**Least I give my customers**

**Some pleasure in return... **oh my...

Madame Giry

I know what you give! 

**Give 'em all the pox!**

**Spread around your poison till**

**They end up in a box!**

Gibbuquet: _(to Chauvelin)_

Leave the poor old cow Move it, Madeleine! 

**She used to be no better**

**Till the clap got to her brain! **Er... What did I just say?

Authoress: I have no idea.

Chauvelin: Did you just make me a woman of the town?

Authoress: Yeah... but it's okay, I'll give you a better role in a minute.

Chauvelin: I can only hope.

Erik: Now you know what I have to put up with.

Chauvelin: You can't escape?

Erik: Trapped.

Chauvelin: Maybe I can free you by way of the door through which I entered.

Authoress: ERP! Wrong.

Chauvelin: Does she hear everything I say?

Erik: It's pretty bad, isn't it?

Ensemble

When's it gonna end? 

**When we gonna live?**

**Something's gotta happen now**

**And something's gotta give**

**It'll come, it'll come, it'll come, it'll come, it'll come...**

(Erik and Raoul come in from the back.)

Erik

Where are the leaders of the land? 

**Where are the swells who run this show? **D'you mean like Firmin and André, the swells who run my theater?

Authoress: Yeah, just like that. And now you get a chance to shoot them all!

Erik: And you... you gave me this role?

Authoress: I did indeed.

Erik: Gee, this cancels out one of the stupid roles you gave me... which means... I still hate you.

Authoress: THERE ARE NO STUPID ROLES IN LES MIS. Do you wish to DIE NOW?

Erik: Actually... yes.

Authoress: Then I shall not harm you.

Erik: Crap.

Raoul: AHEM.

Only one man, and that's Lamarque 

**Speaks for these people here below!**

Ensemble

See our children fed 

**Help us in our shame!**

**Something for a crust of bread**

**In Holy Jesus' name!**

REVIEWER

In the Lord's Holy name! 

Ensemble

**In His name, in His name, in His name, in His name, in His name...**

Raoul

Lamarque is ill and fading fast! 

**Won't last the week out, so they say!**

Erik

With all the anger in the land How long before the judgement day? 

**Before we cut the fat **divas **down to size?**

**Before the **chorus girls **arise?**

Authoress: Dude... no. Les Mis is so not about Christine.

Erik: I think it is.

Authoress: It isn't.

Erik: Is.

Authoress: Not. Shut up now, or I'll make you uglier.

Erik: Yeah right. That, my dear captor, is not possible. _(His left arm falls off.) _AUGH! Okay, sorry! This show's not about Christine, whatever! _(The arm regrows.)_

Raoul: OH MY GOD, MY GOD!

Authoress: Hehe...

_(She picks up the other arm and starts waving it around, then drops it into a nearby desk drawer. Raoul's state of horror is increased when the desk begins to shake as the disembodied arm tries to escape.) _

Authoress: PIRATES!

(Raoul turns around and runs. He finds Christine and drags her after him.)

Raoul: To the roof! We'll be safe there...

Authoress: Don't GO! ... Very well, now let it be war upon... the Phantom and Christine!

Erik: What? It's supposed to be 'now let it be war upon you both'!

Authoress: What, war on my icklekins? Are you crazy?

Erik: Um... yah.

Authoress: Good point. I NEED A MONTPARNASSE, A MARIUS AND AN EPONINE!

Bahorel: _(coming out from the wings)_ Actually, you could put the robbery scene next chapter and just conclude this one with Gavroche and the poor.

Authoress: Good plan. Just for that, I shall give you this thing I found at Hot Topic! I wouldn't have gone in, cos it's really scary looking, but my friends told me they had Lord of the Rings stuff... so I did. And I saw this and thought of you! _(She hands him a box.)_

(Bahorel rips off the wrapping paper and pulls out a Legolas throw. He squeals and returns to the abandoned dressing room with the big-screen television.)

Erik: He's just plain odd.

Authoress: Go be Gavroche!

Erik: I won't.

(The Authoress goes to the desk and pulls out the disembodied yet very alive arm. It starts reaching toward Erik, who turns pale... er... and dashes to the front of the stage.)

Erik

Watch out for old Thénardier 

**All of 'is fam'ly's on the make!**

**Once ran an 'ash-'ouse down the way!**

**Bit of a swine, and no mistake!**

'**E's got a gang**

**The bleeding layabout**

Even 'is daugh'er does her share- 

Authoress: THAT WOULD BE CHRISTINE, WHO HAS CHOSEN TO GO OFF TO THE ROOF WITH RAOUL, BY THE WAY.

Erik

**Tha's Eponine,**

**She knows 'er way about**

**Only a kid, but 'ard to scare!**

**Do we care?**

**Not a cuss!**

**Long live us!**

**Long live us!**

Ensemble

Look down and show some mercy 

**If you can**

**Look down, look down**

**Upon your fellow man...**

Authoress: And next update I'll do the robbery. Raoul and Christine are probably All-I-Ask-of-You-ing on the roof... Wait... NOOO! RAOUL, MY LOVE! _(She starts to run to the roof, then stops and turns to Erik.)_ Can I borrow a big swooshy cape, a rose, and a mask?

Erik: Um... no.

Authoress: Curse you. You will pay. _(Runs off to the roof.)_

Erik: And... here we are again.

Chauvelin: WHERE AM I?


	16. The Robbery

A/N- Yay an update! The last chapter got screwed up, as you may have noticed. I spent about fifteen minutes answering reviews and somehow they didn't show up... Okay, so it's an exaggeration... Cyber cookies to everyone who reviewed, and two to bundlesojoy, who was supposed to be the "REVIEWER" who had a line...

AngelMusic- Have no fear... I didn't even notice the mistake. I love that idea... in fact, I love your idea so much that I address it in this chapter... whoo.

Tziporah- Yes, poor Chauvelin... what a thought...

Elyse3- Oh... you're right. Oh well. That soup scene... I love it so very much... No one else seems to get it...

nebulia- I think I like the musical ending better... Did you know you can buy the DVD with the alternate ending? It's like a kajillion dollars, but I still friggin want it... BAD.

Baffled Seraph- Yeah... gotta love those psycho murderous puppies... Hehe... there's a thought...

H. Sibelius- Again I thank you... You always respond to stupid reviewers before I get a chance, so I don't have to get Gollum on their booties. Oh, and I will not rest until you have become a fan of the sweet abused vicomte, by the way.

Jaded Lover- That movie ruined my love for Raoul/Christine! Well, didn't ruin it... just messed me up a little. I'm recovering, though... I have to re-teach myself to allow Christine to have Raoul...

galaba- I just love embarrassing myself and my friends in big crowds. Every time I see the movie I yell "Your hand at the level of your eyes!" just before ickle Raoul gets punjabbed... Such looks I get...

Alanna-of-Olau- Haha you said it too! So now you're in the chapter. I abuse Erik because hardly anyone else will, and there are far too many people being nice to him these days.

Rei- Here she is, just for you!

Aislin of the Shadows- Muahaha... I actually said Audrey III, but it was the plant, not the girl. Chauvelin is an obsessive member of the French police who loves snuff. Sound familiar? But he's from The Scarlet Pimpernel... and he's played by Terrence Mann on my CD, ironically.

LoverofBalto- I don't like Erik because he's evil... and because phangirls annoy me. Mostly because I love Raoul so much more.

Saber- Don't mean to insult you when insulting Erik... But c'mon, you know it's a (nice?) change from all the Raoul bashers! And here comes Carlotta again, just for you!

Elle-'Nolan- I love the idea of Erik blowing up household appliances... Poor Erik... see, you're abusing him too! But with too much love...

bobmcbobbob1- Yeah... you and every other phan... ButRaoul really, really isn't a fop. Ask Gaston Leroux, he'll back me up... oh wait... he died... crap!

Bubonic Woodchuck- Oooh... I want a Sam throw! Hehe... or a Patrick Wilson throw! Augh! eBay, what a good plan! Though I don't know about his fingers being sexy...

Sis- Who, me? A Patrick Wilson fan? Hehe... I pride my nonsensicality... and I wonder if that's a word. The weirdest part is that I don't even drink soda or coffee or anything like that... imagine how I'd be if I did!

Nyeren- Hey, everything's great with insanity and Schonberg! Even... um... absinthe. Muaha! Oh, wait... I'm making no sense... surprise, surprise.

Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- Another Patrick Wilson fan? There's more of us? Of me? Really? Cos I'm hardup for fellow Raoul supporters at the moment... The empty flask was an allusion to POTC, for Kevin McNally was in both POTC and POTO.

MaskedPhantom- Yay for Butlerbashers! But I must disagree about the level of sexiness you claim Erik has...

* * *

_(The Authoress is running up flight after flight of stairs.)_

Authoress: Must... stop... love... burglary...

_(She finally sees Raoul and Christine sitting on a bench on floor twenty-four thousand six hundred and one, panting.)_

Authoress: Haha! I thought you'd give up!

Christine: Where... _(pant) _is... _(gasp)_ the roof?

Authoress: What? There's no roof to my mind! That doesn't even make sense!

Raoul: Does any of this make sense?

_(The Authoress grabs him and pulls him back down the stairs after her.)_

Christine: Wait...!

_(Christine takes a deep breath and goes running down the stairs. A random trap door opens and she falls into a huge tank of water.)_

Raoul: Christine! NOOOOOOOO! _(he bursts into tears)_

Authoress: Oh, please don't cry...

Raoul: I love her! Does that mean nothing? I love her! Show some compassion!

Authoress: Unh... You said that to Erik... you're comparing me to Erik... Augh! What have I become!

_(The trapdoor disappears. Christine comes running down the stairs, perfectly dry.)_

Raoul: Oh, Christine! The evil Phantom-Authoress didn't kill you!

Authoress: Go... I need to be alone.

_(Raoul and Christine continue back down to the stage. The Authoress produces a mirror and stares at herself in it.)_

Authoress: What... is this creature... that I see...?

_(Meanwhile, Raoul and Christine have returned to the stage.)_

Erik: Christine, Christine! I have the perfect solution to all our problems! You come with me, and the Authoress can have your foppish vicomte!

Alanna-of-Olau: Yay!

AngelMusic: See, that's what I said.

Saber: You know you love him, Christine! I mean, what's not to love?

Elyse3: What's not to love? Maybe that he's a murderer, and he's deformed... and his hands smell like death!

_(One of the Authoress's trademark cyber cookies floats down from the ceiling and lands in Elyse's lap.)_

Erik: Come on, Christine! You know you want me!

Christine: Oh, Raoul! Make him stop!

Raoul: _(pulling a crucifix out of his shirt)_ Back, Satan!

_(A dark-haired young man wanders in, followed by a pretty young girl.)_

Girl: Ew, Marius, look! It's a zombie!

_(Her companion looks over at Erik.)_

Marius: OH MY GOD, MY GOD!

Raoul: That's _my_ line...

Marius: What? I'm not a plagiarist!

Girl: Honey, is that even a word?

Marius: Is what even a word, Cosette?

Chauvelin: If we were back home I'd have you all guillotined.

_(The Authoress comes running back down the stairs followed by yet another dark-haired young man.)_

Authoress: Okay, I've got it all figured... Marius and Cosette! This is getting too crowded with non-Phantom characters...

Bahorel: _(wandering in wearing an Orlando Bloom tee)_ Marius Pontmercy!

Marius: Bahorel! What are you doing here?

Bahorel: I get to be in Les Mis!

Marius: What?

_(Cosette goes over to Christine.)_

Cosette: I just love your dress... where'd you get it?

Christine: Joel Schumacher, I think. You really like it? I thought the red hood was a bit much...

Cosette: No, it's quite pretty.

Authoress: Okay, people! Even I'm confused, and I'm writing the phic. Cosette and Marius... go to Into the Streets and stay there. _(They leave.)_ Thank you. Chauv, you can stay here for now.

Chauvelin: Bliss.

Authoress: Now, to return to the matter of my becoming another... Erik.

AngelMusic: What's wrong with being Erik?

Authoress: A lot of things. But I figured it out, and Raoul, you can stay with... Christine.

Raoul: Really? And you won't kill her?

Authoress: I'll try. Listen, in this story I'm highly distracted by your Patrick Wilson-ness... because Patrick Wilson is dead sexy. In fact, I even had a dream last night that I was having a Phantom-themed party and Patrick Wilson showed up and then there was this weird part where Fluffy M'love was driving a police car and Bernadette Peters was an evil dentist... but that's beside the point. What was I talking about?

Erik: Letting the vifop have my Christine.

Christine: Raoul... help...

Raoul: _(waving the cross)_ Back, Lucifer, back!

Erik: _(rolls eyes)_ Ahh... help me... I'm melting...

Authoress: If you aren't, you should be.

Erik: I'll get you, my pretty... and that random guy standing behind you, too.

Authoress: You think I'm pretty?

Christine: Um... who is that guy standing behind you?

Authoress: Right! This is my great solution to the abuse of poor Raoul. Are you ready?

Assorted Characters: Um... sure... whatever...

Authoress: This... is... pause for effect...

Raoul: What kind of name is Pause for Effect?

Christine: No, dear...

Erik: Fop.

Authoress: _(to Erik)_ Shut up, you idiot.

Erik: _(spluttering)_ I...! An idiot...!

Authoress: This... is... Montparnasse!

_(Blank stares all around.)_

Bahorel: Wait... I know that name...

Authoress: Yes! It's Montparnasse the sexy murderer slash robber!

_(Everyone takes a step back.)_

Montparnasse: _(offended)_ What?

Erik: Wait just a minute! I'm a murderer and you hate me for it!

Authoress: But 'Parnasse is a _sexy_ murderer _slash robber_. He's a youth of under twenty with a pretty face, lips like cherries, glossy dark hair and the glow of springtime in his eyes. He is a gamin turned vagabond; a vagabond turned assassin, smooth, graceful, and ferocious. His is a fashionplate living in distress and committing murder, and the root of all his crimes is his desire to be well-dressed. The first wench who praised his good looks instilled blackness into his heart, making a Cain of this Abel... such is this flower of the underworld, this charmer of the shadows.

_(More blank stares.)_

Erik: Did you just make all that up?

Authoress: No... It's what I remember from what Hugo wrote...

Montparnasse: Hugo?

Authoress: Don't worry about it.

Erik: You memorized all that?

Raoul: Oh! Montparnasse! I remember! That's the robber I play in this next scene thing!

Authoress: Yep.

Raoul: Am I being replaced?

Authoress: Not in the show... But I need a distraction... so you can stay with Christine without my objecting...

Christine: Sounds good to me.

Raoul: Wait... It's just that easy to replace me?

Authoress: No, dangit, now do this scene!

Raoul: Oh yeah...

Authoress: I have an idea! Call me crazy, but... Montparnasse... I wanna put you in the show.

Montparnasse: Why?

Authoress: Cos I just do.

Montparnasse: Um... okay.

_(Everyone gets in their places – Madame Giry, Buquet, Erik, and Raoul crowd around the Authoress, André, and Christine.)_

Authoress:

**Everyone 'ere?**

**You know yer place!**

**Brujon, Babet, Claquesous!**

**You, Montparnasse**... that is, Raoul...

**Watch for the law!**

**With Eponine, take care!**

**You turn on the tears!**

**No mistakes, my dears...**

Montparnasse: Wait, wait... no. No. You're supposed to be Thénardier? Thénardier doesn't talk like that... and why is Brujon here instead of Gueulemer?

Authoress: Because, love, you and I didn't write the stage musical... and that's probably a good thing, too.

Bahorel: _(pops in)_ Same reason I'm not in it... _(leaves)_

Montparnasse: Right...

_(Erik and Raoul dash offstage and re-enter in their Marius and Enjolras suits... which are oh-so-different from the Montparnasse and Claquesous clothes...)_

André:

**These bloody students on our streets!**

'**Ere they come slummin' once again!**

**Our Eponine would kiss their feet!**

**She never 'ad a scrap of brain!**

_(Christine wanders over to Raoul.)_

Raoul:

**Hey Eponine, what's up today?**

**I haven't seen you much about.**

Christine:

'**Ere you can always catch me in.**

Raoul:

**Mind the police don't catch you out.**

Christine: _(taking the books from his hand)_

'**Ere, watcha do with all them books?**

**I coulda been a student too!**

**Don't judge a girl on how she looks!**

**I know a lot of things I do.**

Raoul:

**Poor Eponine, the things you know**

**You wouldn't find in books like these**

Christine: _(touching his hair)_

**I like the way you grow your hair...**

Raoul:

**I like the way you always tease.**

_(He turns to help Erik pass out money to the po' folk or something.)_

Christine:

**Little he knows...**

**Little he sees...**

_(Erik glares at the Authoress before running offstage and returning in his Valjean outfit with Carlotta in tow.)_

André:

'**Ere's the old boy! **

**Stay on the job **

**And watch out for the law!**

Christine: _(reluctantly shoving Raoul away)_

**Stay out of this!**

Raoul:

**But Eponine-**

Christine:

**You'll be in trouble here**

**It's not your concern**

**You'll be in the clear.**

Raoul: _(pointing at Erik Valerik)_

**Who is this man?**

Christine: _(pushing him again)_

**Leave me alone!**

Raoul:

**Why is he here?**

**Hey Eponine!**

_(Christine shoves him again, and he runs smack into... Carlotta.)_

Oh, must I, Authoress?

Authoress: Yes you must. Or I could put my love Montparnasse in as Cosette...

Montparnasse: That idiot girl in the garden? Never!

Authoress: Or Chauvelin... where is Chauv?

_(Madame Giry hands the Authoress an envelope with a seal in the shape of a guillotine.)_

Madame Giry: The man with the snuffbox left you this...

Authoress: _(reading the letter)_ "You guys are really weird. I'm getting the heck out of here while I still can. Yours, Citoyen Chauvelin." Fine then. Who needs him?

_(A moment passes.)_

Authoress: What were we doing?

Carlotta: My scene-a weeth ze vicomte.

Authoress: Oh, okay. So... Marius AKA icklekins... I mean Raoul... has just met the love of his life Cosette, or Carlotta, because poor unloved Christonine shoved him into her.

Montparnasse: Eponine isn't unloved.

Authoress: Hush! Don't give away my story.

Montparnasse: Yes ma'am.

Authoress: Take it away, Raoul!

Raoul: _(muttering)_

**Ididn'tseeyouthereforgiveme.**

_(Carlotta grins at him and then looks at the rest of the cast.)_

Carlotta: 'E love-a me. 'E love-a me.

Authoress: Your part is silent, little toad.

Erik: A toad, mad-

Authoress: Shut up._ (to Erik, as Thénardier)_

**Please, m'sieur!**

**Come this way!**

'**Ere's a child 'oo ain't eaten today!**

**Save a life!**

**Spare a sou!**

**God rewards all th' good that ya do!**

_(Erik comes closer.)_

**Wait a bit... know that face!**

**And th' world a remarkable place!**

**Men like me don't forget!**

**You're the...** jolly old chap... **'oo borrowed Cosette!**

_(She reaches for Erik and ends up ripping his shirt, exposed the prison tattoo on his chest. The phangirls squeal.)_

bobmcbobbob1: OMG HE'S SOO HOTT!

Elyse3: His hands smell like death, I tell you!

Erik:

**What is this?**

**Are you mad?**

**No, m'sieur, you don't know what you do!**

Authoress:

**You know me, you know me!**

**I'm a con jus' like you!**

_(Christine dashes in.)_

Christine:

**S'the police, disappear!**

**Run for it! It's Javert!**

_(The music reaches a splendid beat and everyone leans forward on their seats with excitement. However, Javert does not enter.)_

Authoress: Par les oiseaux! Piangi's been out for the most of this show, hasn't he? Ever since... someone... knocked him out during the Confrontation...

Erik: What? You told me to!

Authoress: But... the demented Authoress always has a plan!

_(There is a collective "oh dear" and quite a lot of dread in general from the cast.)_

Authoress: Hmm... who to choose... _(her evil grin says quite clearly that she has already chosen a victim...)_

_(Raoul has pulled out the crucifix from earlier, and he seems to be praying. Christine has covered her face in her hands. Erik is glaring threateningly at the Authoress, fingering a Punjab lasso. The managers, Buquet, and Madame Giry are trying to go unnoticed in the corner. Carlotta is clearing her throat and waving.)_

Authoress: Shut up, Carlotta. I already picked someone, and it isn't you.

Erik: Well, who is it, you freak? Don't torture us!

Authoress: Wow... Let me just treasure this moment. Erik called me a freak... and Erik told me not to torture people... This is coming from the death's head holding a noose... No, no, let me have my moment.

Raoul: Please tell us!

Authoress: Okay. I pick Montparnasse.

Montparnasse: WHAT! I'm not in on this thing!

Authoress: You are now, sweetheart. Here's the greatcoat... the hat... the stick thingy... Aw, you look hot as Javert.

Montparnasse: I WON'T... Really? I look good like this?

Authoress: Oh yeah. I'd glomp you right here, but I want the chapter to continue.

Montparnasse: And... I guess I get to rough people up a bit...

Authoress: Sure do.

Montparnasse: Okay, I'll do it.

Authoress: Good, cos you didn't have a choice. _(She shoves him onstage.)_

Christine:

**S'the police! Disappear!**

**Run for it! It's Javert!**

_(The robbers all attempt to escape, but Montparnasse comes in and they mostly just get into a position similar to a school tornado drill. Montparnasse takes the nightstick and waves it around.)_

Montparnasse: This thing's cool.

**Another brawl in the square!**

**Another stink in the air!**

**Was there a witness to this?**

**Well, let him speak to Javert! **_(over his shoulder, to Valerik)_

**M'sieur, the streets are not safe,**

**But let these vermin beware!**

**We'll see that justice is done! **_(He goes over to the criminals, that is, the Authoress, André, Christine, Madame Giry and Buquet. Meanwhile, Valerik looks around, finds Carlette, who's with Raoul, and they leave.)_

**Look upon this fine collection**

**Crawled from underneath a stone!**

**This swarm of worms and maggots**

**Could have picked you to the bone! **_(pointing at the Authoress)_

**I know this**... **man**...** over here!**

**I know his name and his trade**

**And on your witness, M'sieur,**

**We'll see him suitably paid** _(he turns back to Valerik, only to find that he's gone! Dun dun dun...)_

**But where's the gentleman gone?**

**And why on earth did he run?**

Authoress: _(leaning up)_

**You will 'ave a job to catch 'im!**

'**E's the one you should arrest!**

**No more bourgeois when you scratch 'im**

**Than that brand upon 'is chest!**

Montparnasse:

**Could it be he's some old jailbird**

**That the tide now washes in?**

**Heard my name and started running**

**Had the brand upon his skin.**

**And the girl who stood beside him**

**When I turned they both had gone...**

**Could he be the man I've hunted?**

**Could it be he's Jean Valjean?**

Wait a minute... I'm from Les Misérables, am I not?

Authoress: You are...

Montparnasse: Then how come I don't know any Jean Valjean?

Authoress: D'you know Ultime Fauchelevant?

Montparnasse: Um... no.

Authoress: Mayor Madeleine?

Montparnasse: Hm-mm...

Authoress: Oh! Well, remember the white-haired old man who beat you up and gave you his money?

Montparnasse: How d'you know about that?

Authoress: That's Valjean.

Montparnasse: The old man who beat me up? Is he here? I swear if I ever see that blockhead again... that stupid old babbler... this time I'll be the one giving the sermon! Where is he?

Authoress: I'll tell you if you finish the scene.

**In the absence of a victim,**

**Dear inspector, may I go?**

**And remember when you've nicked 'im**

**It was me wot told you so!**

Montparnasse: _(with a strange intensity)_

**Let the old man keep on running**

**I will run him off his feet! **_(suddenly aware that everyone is staring at him)_

**Everyone about your business!**

**Clear this garbage off the street!**

_(The relieved thieves... hey, that sounds cool... well, they leave. Omigosh! The relieved thieves leave! That's so cool!)_

Montparnasse: Now tell me where that old man is!

Authoress: Sing 'Stars' first.

Montparnasse: And then you'll tell me?

Authoress: Er... yeah.

Montparnasse: I'll do it.

_(A pale girl wearing lots of black leather with black hair and several odd piercings comes in.)_

Scary Goth: I'm back. Did you miss me?

Authoress: Um... who the heck are you?

Scary Goth: You don't recognize me?

Authoress: Uh-duh... no...

Scary Goth: It's me, Meg!

_(And we end the chapter as Madame Giry goes into a swoon.)_


	17. Stars

A/N- Why is Meg gone gothic? Because I'm evil. Another thing - it's tragic, but my computer at home has a virus, and I can't upload new chapters from there. What I've been doing is typing them, saving them to disks, and bringing them to school. Then I skip lunch, go to the library, and upload from there. This means I don't have much time, though, and I can't respond to all of you wonderful reviewers! I still love you, but until Bammy and Thom feel better I just can't get it done. So here are a few generic comments -

Yay for my 200th reviewer, either bobmcbobbob1 and Sis or notthatlucky. Cyber cookies to you both.

Yay for Jean finally reviewing!

Again, I'm sorry as I can possibly be. Take it up with the school board or my computer or something.

* * *

_(Everyone is gawking at Meg with the exce__ption of Madame Giry, who has fainted, and Buquet, who has gone to get water to throw on her.)_

Authoress: Hey... that's almost cool. Why so gothic, good mamselle?

Meg: Well... have you seen that Phantom movie?

Authoress: _(glancing at Raoul)_ Oh yeah.

Meg: Did you see the girl playing Meg?

Authoress: Sadly, yes. Well... I did for a while... then I got sickened by her and closed my eyes and thought of Patri- of Montparnasse.

Meg: She's so... irritating. It made me feel edgy...

Authoress: Cool. I don't think your mom likes it, though.

_(Buquet has gotten Madame Giry awake, and she screams at the sight of Meg's new... look.)_

Authoress: It reminds me of the store where I bought Bahorel that Legolas throw.

_(Bahorel wanders in hugging the throw in one arm and sucking his thumb.)_

Bahorel: It's my security blanket!

_(He leaves.)_

Meg: ... Freaky...

Authoress: No kidding.

Madame Giry: My child, what have you done? My little Meg! You were going to be an empress, the good phantom told me so!

Authoress: Hey, she just went Leroux...

_(A big, dusty hat appears on Mother Giry's head, and she puts on about fifty pounds.)_

Authoress: That's so cool... I didn't do that! She did it by herself... Wait, Meg! Where did you see the Phantom movie? You can't leave this theater without my permission...

Meg: It's playing on a huge screen on floor forty-seven.

Authoress: Forty-seven? I thought that was my Fluffy level...

Meg: Is Fluffy the guy with the wavy blond hair and the cool eyes that change from brown to blue?

Authoress: What? He's here? _(She dashes back up the stairs.)_

Mother Giry: Meg... Meg, what are you doing in those clothes? Put on your tutu, child!

Meg: Mother, that's pink and frilly. I don't do pink.

_(Mother Giry faints again.)_

Montparnasse: _(still in his Javert costume, to Raoul)_ Should I grow sideburns like this? I really like this stick thingy.

Raoul: Eep! Don't hurt me!

_(The Authoress comes back to the stage level with two guys behind her. One is kind of short with the wavy hair and the cool eyes as described a moment ago. The other is very tall with shoulder-length black hair and gold eyes.)_

Authoress: Look! Fluffy and MagicHair! My loves besides Montparnasse and Patrick Wilson!

Montparnasse: You have other loves?

Authoress: Don't worry, dear, you're my favorite... um... that I've never met in person before.

Montparnasse: And what does that mean?

Authoress: Er... I like you better than Patrick Wilson...

Christine: I've heard you mention Fluffy before, but who is MagicHair?

Authoress: Only the best ever Jekyll-Hyde ever. Ever. The people who visit my xanga site know.

_(Devonny Strauss, Obsetress, H. Sibelius, and nebulia wave.)_

Authoress: So you two go sit over there. Yes. And now Montparnasse shall sing. Isn't that right, dear?

Montparnasse: You will tell me who that old man is, won't you? The one who beat me up that one time?

Authoress: Of course! I believe in revenge as much as you.

Daroga: Ook-ook!

Fluffy: Er... there's a monkey over there...

Authoress: Isn't he cute?

Fluffy: And a Goth over there...

Authoress: Kinda scary, no?

Fluffy: And a guy with a mask...

Authoress: You don't want him to take it off.

Fluffy: And that guy hugging that blanket...

Authoress: We're worried about him.

_(There is a huge thunk from the back of the theater, and everyone turns to see what's going on. A little Asian man in a red jacket comes stumbling into view.)_

Man: I'm all right, don't worry! Tell me, am I in... America?

Authoress: Sort of... Why?

Man: I should be American.

Authoress: Wanna come watch the show with us? Montparnasse is about to sing Stars.

Man: What show is it?

Authoress: Les Mis. It's French...

Man: I know French! I sort of am French... a little bit.

Authoress: Cool. Come watch and tell us about yourself.

Man: _(sitting)_ Well, my father was a tattoo-artist in Haiphong, but his designs on mother-

Authoress: Didn't last too long?

Man: Yeah, how'd you know?

Authoress: Because I just saw the show last night.

Fluffy: What show?

Authoress: Miss Saigon. This is the Engineer.

Fluffy: The Engineer?

Authoress: Yep.

Fluffy: _(to MagicHair)_ Are you as confused as I am?

MagicHair: Possibly moreso. Isn't she that obsessive high school kid my mother introduced me to after the last day I was in Jane Eyre?

Fluffy: I wouldn't know... she's in my orchestra class...

Montparnasse: What about me?

Authoress: Go ahead and sing.

Daroga: Ook-ook!

Engineer: That monkey's bored.

Authoress: And you know this... how?

Engineer: I speak monkey.

Authoress: Oh... really?

Daroga: Ook-ook.

Engineer: He said he knows the words to Stars.

Authoress: Under no circumstances shall a monkey sing Stars. Go, Parnasse.

Montparnasse: And then you-

Authoress: Yes, then I'll tell you who the man was!

Montparnasse: Good. _(The music starts up.)_

**There... out in the darkness**

**A fugitive running**

**Fallen from God**

**Fallen from grace!**

Daroga: Ook-ook!

Engineer: He says that isn't right.

Authoress: That's the Philip Quast version. Please don't interrupt.

Montparnasse:

**God be my witness**

**I never shall yield**

**Till we come face to face**

**Till we come face to face!**

**He knows his way in the **light

**But mine is the way of the **sword

**And those who follow the path of the **sinners

**Shall have their reward!**

Daroga: Ook-ook!

Engineer: He says-

Authoress: I know, Parnasse's making up words.

Montparnasse:

**And if they fall as Lucifer fell**

Then screw the Lord!

Authoress: Now, that's not very nice at all!

Montparnasse: Why not?

Authoress: You shouldn't talk that way. It offends me.

Daroga:

Ook! Ook-ook-ook-ook-ook!

Engineer: He says "Stars in your multitudes."

Authoress: NO.

Montparnasse: Has that monkey been here all along?

Authoress: Not really... he just disappeared for a few chapters.

Fluffy: Um... can I go now? I have rehearsal in a few minutes.

Authoress: No. Stay here. I'm punishing you for letting the flowers die.

Fluffy: Flowers?

Authoress: The carnations on Valentine's Day.

Fluffy: Those were from you?

Authoress: Yes. And you let them die.

Fluffy: Look, I'm sorry about that, but they really need me at this rehearsal.

Authoress: Which song is it?

Fluffy: For the Longest Time and Uptown Girl. I'm the lead...

Authoress: Fine... go now and leave me...

_(Fluffy disappears.)_

MagicHair: Can I go too?

Authoress: No.

Montparnasse: What about this song?

Authoress: Somebody's gotta finish it.

Daroga: Ook-ook!

Authoress: NO.

_(The monkey suddenly attacks Montparnasse. The young murderer does not have time to react, and there is a cloud of dust. When it settles, Daroga is wearing the sideburns, top hat, and greatcoat. Montparnasse is rubbing his head and smoothing his clothes.)_

Montparnasse: That stupid thing just attacked me.

Authoress: And it took your sideburns.

Montparnasse: WHAT!

Authoress: I know, right?

_(Montparnasse pulls out a knife and starts toward the monkey, who sees him and dashes away. Cue chase scene.)_

MagicHair: If I told you I had to be at rehearsal would you let me go?

Authoress: No.

MagicHair: If I told you I'm allergic to monkeys?

Authoress: Really? What happens?

MagicHair: Uh... my hair falls out?

Authoress: AUGH! NO! _(Daroga vanishes.)_

Montparnasse: _(shaking his fist at the ceiling)_ Curse you, monkey! Gimme back my sideburns!

MagicHair: I actually meant that _I_ should leave... not the monkey...

Authoress: But... but I love you...

MagicHair: You do know that I'm about five years older than you are, right?

Authoress: So what? Fluffy's two... Montparnasse is, like, two hundred years older than I am... I don't know about Patrick Wilson...

MagicHair: What can I do to get you to let me out?

Authoress: Ooh... I have an idea!

_(The Authoress realizes that Erik has yet to say anything in this chapter, so while she tells MagicHair how to earn his freedom, the Reader will go see what's happening with the Opera Ghost.)_

VampireNextDoor: Psst... Hey! Erik!

Erik: Who, me?

bobmbobbob1: Hey, come here!

_(Erik goes over to the little group of phans.)_

Sis: You don't feel hated, do you?

Erik: Have you been reading this stupid phic?

Spaci Ireth: We love you, Erik.

AngelMusic: We're your phangirls!

Erik: You love me... even though I'm hideously deformed?

H. Sibelius: But you're a musician! And a genius... I think that's incredibly sexy.

Erik: You think I'm sexy?

Lilliane: Of course we do!

J.B. Jazz: Nobody likes Raoul! He's a fop. Fop!

Erik: He is?

TheSanityStealingPenguinQueen: Of course!

bundlesojoy: You shouldn't let the Authoress abuse you like that!

H. Sibelius: You should fight back!

Erik: But she made my arm fall off...

H. Sibelius: Oh... right.

_(Meanwhile...)_

MagicHair: So if I do this... you'll let me go?

Authoress: I guess so... You know what? If some dude took me prisoner because he loved me I wouldn't complain. Unless he tried to kill Raoul...

_(MagicHair goes up onto the stage where a huge mirror has been lowered and looks into it.)_

MagicHair:

I will find the answer...

I'll never desert you!

I promise you this

Till the day that I...

_(He jerks his head forward and makes a bunch of his hair fall into his face.)_

Do you really think that I would ever let you go?

Do you think I'd ever set you free?

If you do, I'm sad to say it simply isn't so!

You will never get away from me!

_(The Authoress puts her feet up on the chair in front of her and grabs a bag of popcorn.)_

Authoress: _(to the Engineer)_ Want some?

_(The Engineer gets a big handful of popcorn. Montparnasse joins them.)_

Montparnasse: Why is that man yelling at himself?

Authoress: It's the Confrontation scene from Jekyll Hyde... Shh...

Montparnasse: What about Stars?

Authoress: Hold on...

MagicHair:

I'll see you there, Jekyll!

NEVER!

_(MagicHair's performance is over, and he disappears in a poof of smoke.)_

Authoress: Well, that was fun, wasn't it?

Montparnasse: I didn't get it.

Authoress: You'd like Jekyll Hyde, dear. He cuts a whore's throat.

Montparnasse: Nice. Death to Juliette.

Authoress: Oh, great, now I have to update Charmer of the Shadows again before I post this chapter... You do need to stop giving things away.

Montparnasse: Sorry.

Authoress: What about Stars?

Carlotta: I'll-a do eet!

Authoress: No. And neither will Daroga the monkey. Hmm... Oh, Erik!

Erik's voice from offstage: I don't have to listen to you! People do love me! I have phangirls!

Authoress: Right... Montparnasse?

Engineer: I'll do it!

Authoress: Lord preserve us.

Carlotta:

**Stars! Een your-a muteetudes!**

**Scarce to be counteed!**

**Feeling se darkness**

**With-a order and-a light!**

Authoress: STOP!

Carlotta:

**You are se seentinels**

**Sileent and-a sure!**

**Keepeeng-a watch in se night!**

Authoress: SHUT UP!

Carlotta:

**Keepeeng-a watch in se night!**

**You know-a your place in se ska-ees!**

**You hold-a your course and-a your-a aim-a!**

**And-a each een your-a season returns and-a returns!**

**And ees always se same-a!**

_(The Authoress throws her popcorn at Carlotta.)_

André: Magnifica! Stupenda! Very good-a!

Authoress: Shut up-a! She sucks-a!

Firmin: Now that you mention it, why were we so desperate to keep her on? Christine is much better...

André: Because... because... um...

Authoress: Uh-huh.

Engineer:

**And if ya fall as Lucifer fell...**

**Ya fall in flames...** _(he begins to dance and is joined by a lot of gyrating girls in short blond wigs)_

Girls:

**And so it has been!**

Engineer:

**For so it is written! **Where's it written, girls?

Girls:

**On the doorways to Paradise!**

Engineer: What's it say?

Girls:

**That those who falter and those who fall**

**Must pay the price!**

Authoress: _(burying her face in her hands)_ I can't watch this!

Montparnasse: Want me to cut his throat?

Authoress: I'll tell you in a minute.

_(Raoul approaches them, looking nervous.)_

Raoul: Mademoiselle?

Authoress: What's wrong, hon?

Raoul: Um... the Phantom has kidnapped Christine again.

Authoress: Oh, doux Seigneur, que vous ai-je fait?

_(The Engineer and the Girls disappear, and are replaced by Daroga the monkey, still in his Javert costume.)_

Daroga: Ook-ook?

Authoress: Yeah, go ahead. The poor song can't be whipped any more than it already has been.

Daroga:

Ook, ook-ook ook ook!

Ook-ook ook ook-ook

Ook ook ook ooooook!

Authoress: I changed my mind. Shut up.

Daroga: Ook?

Authoress: Yes, ook. Parnasse, finish the poor song off.

Montparnasse: Can I have my sideburns back?

Authoress: Yeah... here, I'll give you some of your own.

_(Montparnasse sprouts Javert-ish muttonchops.)_

Montparnasse: Yes!

**Lord, let me find him**

**That I may see him**

**Safe behind bars!**

**I will never rest**

**Till then**

**This I swear!**

**This I swear by **

**The stars!**

Authoress: Good, now come with me. We're going to rescue Christine from stupid Erik. Raoul, you come too.

_(And, the song finally finished, they leave.)_


	18. Gavroche's Remarks

(Erik is dragging Christine down a hallway. The Erik phangirls are standing on either side, holding candelabras. Christine is glaring at Erik's hand where it is touching her and trying to squirm away.)

Aislin of the Shadows: EC forever!

Christine: Let go of me, you monster!

H. Sibelius: He's not a monster...

Erik: That's right. They love me, why don't you?

(The hallway gets narrower and narrower, and shorter and shorter.)

Angelus Musici: The room is getting smaller!

AngelMusic: No it's not! They're getting bigger.

(Erik reaches a tiny door that is only about a foot high. A little keyboard flops out.)

Erik: What the heck is this?

TheSanityStealingPenguinQueen: I think I've seen it before...

(Erik starts to play the keyboard with one hand and sing.)

Erik: You have come here... in pursuit of your deepest urge!

(There is a click, and the tiny door swings open.)

Nyeren: Cool! It's a musical lock!

(Erik drags Christine through the door, which has become enormous somehow, and the phangirls follow.)

J.B. Jazz: I smell chocolate! I like chocolate.

Christine: _(sadly)_ Raoul said chocolate once... in my dressing room... Little Lotte let her mind wander... you remember that too... Little Lotte thought am I fonder of dolls or-

MaskedPhantom: Shh! Look!

(They are in an enormous warehouse-type room that is set up to look like a little forest with a brown waterfall and river.)

J.B. Jazz- WILLY WONKA! I SAW THIS ON WILLY WONKA!

Erik: This is certainly not my underground lair...

(The phangirls are running around eating everything in the room.)

Erik: What to do...?

Christine: I'm hungry.

(He lets go of her wrist and she skips over to what seems to be a patch of buttercups and begins eating the flowers.)

Erik: This is very odd.

(A pretty boat appears on the lake, driven by little orange and green men.)

J.B. Jazz: OOMPA LOOMPAS!

(The phangirls run over and jump on the boat, Christine at their heels. Erik follows them in hopes of escaping the happy candy-filled room.)

(Back on the stage, the Authoress is making arrangements to keep the show going without the leads while she goes to save Christine.)

Authoress: Elyse, nebulia, Tziporah, Maska... Raoul fans – I'm putting you in charge.

Maska: Do you have to take Raoul with you?

Authoress: Yes, sorry. But you have control over the others here.

nebulia: Including Bahorel?

Authoress: Yup.

nebulia: Cool!

Authoress: First thing you should do is cast a new Gavroche. Got it?

Tziporah: Yeah.

Authoress: Okay then. C'mon 'Parnasse, Raoul... we're going to save Christine.

Raoul: Yay!

Montparnasse: _(strokes his sideburns)_ Okay.

(They leave.)

Elyse3: Um... Meg, d'you wanna be Gavroche?

Gothmeg: Too perky.

Elyse3: You. Will. Be. Gavroche.

Meg: _(leaping to her feet)_

Tha' inspector thinks he's somethin' 

**Bu' it's me 'oo runs this town!**

**An' my theatre never closes**

**An' the curtain's never down**

**Trust Gavroche**

'**Ave no fear**

**Don't you worry, Auntie dear**

**You c'n always find me 'ere...**

Tziporah: Wow! This is fun. Who's supposed to be Eponine?

Mother Giry: Little Daaé! Little Daaé is playing that role!

nebulia: But she's gone... So who wants to play Eponine now?

(An old woman comes in from the wings.)

Old Woman: I can step in for little Christine. I practically raised the poor child after her father's death.

Buquet: I thought that Madame Giry raised her in the opera house...

Elyse3: No! Mama Valerius raised her... You're Mama Valerius?

Old Woman: I am.

Elyse3: Okay, then, m'dear... sing.

Mama Valerius:

**Cosette... Now I remember...**

**Cosette... How can it be?**

**We were children together.**

**Look what's become of me...**

Carlotta: I can step een-a for Signor se vicomte!

Elyse3: Yeah, right.

Bahorel: I'll do Pontmercy!

nebulia: Okay then.

(Bahorel wanders onstage, and Mama Valerius comes up and grabs his arm. He seems quite distracted.)

Mama Valerius:

Good Lord! Oh, what a rumpus! 

Bahorel:

**That girl! Who could she be?**

Mama Valerius:

That cop, he'd like to jump us 

**But he's not smart, not he!**

Bahorel:

Eponine, who was that girl? 

Mama Valerius: _(sadly)_

Some bourgeois two-a-penny thing 

Bahorel:

Eponine, find her for me! 

Mama Valerius: _(still sad, but with an air of false cheer)_

**What will you give me?**

Bahorel:

Anything! 

Mother Giry: Young man! That girl obviously wants _something_ from you, but it isn't money! So you can put that coin away, because she doesn't want your money! She wants you!

Maska: They- they're acting, dear.

Bahorel: Right...

Mama Valerius: May we continue?

Maska: Go ahead...

Mama Valerius: Thank you.

Got you all excited now 

**But God knows what you see in her!**

**Aren't you all delighted now?**

(Bahorel glances nervously at Mother Giry before holding out a coin.)

Mama Valerius:

**I don't want your money, sir.**

Bahorel:

Eponine, do this for me 

**Discover where she lives.**

**But careful how you go!**

**Don't let your father know**

'**Ponine! I'm lost until she's found!**

Mama Valerius:

**You see, I told you so.**

**There's lots of things I know.**

'**Ponine... she knows her way around.**

(They exit.)

Elyse3: Wow... nothing extremely weird happened! Except Mama Valerius doing such a good job as Eponine... But still!

(Meanwhile, the Authoress, Raoul, and Montparnasse are running down stairs. An animated bird flies in, perches on the Authoress's shoulder, and begins chirping.)

Authoress: Really?

(Raoul and Montparnasse glance at each other and shrug.)

Authoress: The Willy Wonka room?

(The bird chirps again and flies away.)

Authoress: This way, chaps! _(She turns down a corridor with Raoul and Montparnasse close behind.)_

(A puffy collie runs up and begins barking.)

Authoress: Where are they now, girl?

(The puffy collie barks some more. The Authoress seems to understand her. Raoul and Montparnasse take a step back.)

Authoress: How did they get there? Oh, by the boats, I suppose.

(The collie barks an affirmative and trots away.)

Authoress: No, turns out we're going _this_ way. Come on.

(She turns down a different passage with the guys following. This hall ends at an underground lake not unlike the one underneath the Paris opera house. Instead of a raft, however, there is a big thick log and a huge piece of rope.)

Authoress: Okay, fellas, let's get trussed up.

Raoul: What?

Montparnasse: Apparently we're to be tied to this log...

Authoress: Yup.

(They somehow manage to tie themselves to the log, and then jump into the water. The current carries them downstream.)

Raoul: Whee!

Montparnasse: Um... there's a waterfall thing up ahead.

Authoress: I know.

Raoul: We'll die! We'll be killed! I don't want to die!

Authoress: Not even for Christine?

Raoul: Oh yeah.

_(They go over the waterfall, the Authoress shouting "Booyahaha!" much to Raoul and Montparnasse's mystification. At the bottom, the log splinters into a thousand pieces and the ropes fall away.)_

Authoress: Everyone okay? I don't wanna hafta kiss a llama.

Raoul: What? What llama?

Authoress: Don't worry about it.

Montparnasse: Where are we?

Authoress: Some animated jungle somewhere... Come on.

(She drags them through the cartoon jungle until they reach a restaurant shaped like a large hat.)

Authoress: I think they're inside. Follow me.

(She and the guys go into the restaurant. It is empty but for a chubby waitress.)

Waitress: What'll ya have, sweetie?

Authoress: Actually, we're looking for a man in a mask and a lot of girls.

Waitress: They were just here. I think they went through the kitchen into that Denny's.

Authoress: Did you hear that, guys? They're not in The Emperor's New Groove anymore. Sounds like they're next door in The Santa Clause.

Raoul: I have no idea what's happening to me.

Montparnasse: Neither do I, comrade...

Authoress: Come on!

(The Authoress grabs them and pulls them into the kitchen.)


	19. Red and Black, Eventually

(A group of Japanese men in suits is sitting at a table, shouting things that no one understands. A waitress with a nametag that reads 'Judy'' confronts the Authoress, Raoul, and Montparnasse.)

Judy: _(pointing to the Japanese men) _You with them?

Authoress: No, we're searching for a masked man, a blonde girl, and a lot of teenagers with shirts that had half masks on them.

Judy: Oh, yeah... They came through, said they weren't hungry cos they ate a bunch of chocolate someplace. I think they went on to the North Pole.

Authoress: Crap!

Raoul: What's wrong with the North Pole? I've been there. The snow is quite pretty.

Authoress: My ex-boyfriend lives at the North Pole.

Raoul: That's ridiculous! No one could live at the North Pole, silly!

Montparnasse: Can people talk to dogs and birds?

Raoul: No.

Montparnasse: Can they walk into a drawing and then back out of it?

Raoul: No.

Montparnasse: Has that stuff happened here?

Raoul: Yeah.

Montparnasse: So what makes you think they can't live at the North Pole?

Raoul: I suppose you're right, monsieur... um...?

Authoress: Montparnasse. Don't call him Jules, he'll kill you.

Raoul: _(paling)_ I wouldn't dream of it!

Authoress: Good. Now follow me.

(She leaves the restaurant, and when the three reach a snowy street she produces a snow globe from somewhere and shakes it. Nothing happens.)

Raoul: Um... Mademoiselle...

Authoress: Shhh.

(There is a slight noise, and an overweight man in red floats down out of the sky, an inflated sack in one hand.)

Raoul: Oh dear.

Authoress: Hiya, Santa! We need to go to the North Pole, quick! We're in pursuit of Erik and his fangirls.

Santa: That Erik! He's so deep in the naughty list!

Raoul: What about me? Am I on the naughty list?

Santa: Raoul de Chagny? No, don't think so.

Raoul: _(pointing to Montparnasse) _What about him?

Santa: Jules Montparnasse? Of course he is!

Montparnasse: What did you call me?

Authoress: You didn't hear that.

Raoul: _(whispering)_ Is Monsieur Montparnasse going to kill Father Christmas?

Authoress: Don't worry about it, honey.

(Meanwhile, onstage...)

nebulia: It's time for Red and Black!

Elyse3: But... isn't Erik, like... everybody?

Maska: He isn't Marius.

Tziporah: That was Raoul, and he's gone too!

Elyse3: Should we wait?

nebulia: I guess so...

(They sit down in the corner.)

(The Authoress, Raoul, and Montparnasse have arrived at the North Pole, and Santa returns to... some other place, where he was before.)

Raoul: See! No one could live here!

(He is, to all appearances, correct, for there is nothing but ice in every direction. The pretty red and white striped pole is sticking up from a mound of snow.)

Authoress: Trust me, sugarbum.

Raoul: Sugarbum?

Authoress: (sighing) Fluffy's math teacher called him that once... He was pretty scared. I was looking back through Beauty in the Sexy Beast, my script parody that got removed, and I found this place where I was talking about Fluffy... that was before I liked him. I called him "the guy who looks like Elijah Wood with blondish hair." I'd forgotten that I used to say he looks like Elijah Wood, but he sorta did...

Montparnasse: Fluffy?

Authoress: Yeah... He's sending me into a severe state of depression right now... have you read Ache?

Raoul: I have!

Authoress: Now we must think on something else, though, or I'll get too depressed to continue the lightheartedness that is this phic.

Montparnasse: How about finding that man with the mask and all those girls?

Raoul: Christine!

Authoress: You're right! We're on a mission! (She taps the top of the North Pole, and a little keypad pops out.)

Raoul: Ooh...

(The Authoress types 1-2-3-9, and the little control panel slides back in. She shepherds Montparnasse and Raoul over to a certain place where they must stand. In a moment the snow around them cracks and slowly begins sinking into the ground. Music begins to play, and the Authoress sings along.)

Authoress and Creepy Voice: In the silence of the night... when the snow is soft and still... you can see the magic light... and hear the ring of Christmas bells...

Raoul: (to Montparnasse) Are we going to die?

Montparnasse: I was just beginning to think we had already, and this was hell.

Authoress: Language!

(The ice they are riding sinks right down into the middle of a busy workshop. Adorkable elves are hurrying around everywhere. The music fades away.)

Montparnasse: Oh help.

(The Authoress hops off of the ice and hurries over to a curly-haired little boy elf in green.)

Authoress: Larry! Hey, Larry!

(The elf turns in annoyance, then gapes at her.)

Larry: Erin? What are you doing here? I thought you-

Authoress: Dumped Bernard? Yes, I did. I'm looking for some people, and I want to find them before Bernard finds me.

Larry: Who're you dating now?

Authoress: No one. At the moment I'm sitting around and obsessing over a senior who doesn't even care that I'm alive.

Larry: You dumped Bernard for that?

Authoress: Look, I really don't need to get into this right now...

Larry: Wait a minute... if you dumped Bernard to pout over some other guy, how come two men are following you around?

Authoress: Huh? Oh, Parnasse and Raoul? No, they're helping me find these people I'm looking for, which is why I need you to-

(They are interrupted when another voice says from the distance...)

Voice: Hey, who's causin' all the trouble around here?

Authoress: Oh, goodness... Quick, Larry, where's the Phantom and the phangirls?

Larry: (grinning evilly) Why don't you ask the head elf?

Authoress: Curse you.

(He is joined by a charming older elf with dark dreadlocks.)

Larry: Hey, Bernard, look who's here.

Bernard: (scowling at the Authoress) Quote: "I saw Jekyll & Hyde and realized that I love people like Hyde and Montparnasse much more than Bernard..." That hurts.

Authoress: Get another girlfriend! You're freaking sexy head elf! Just tell me where the Phantom of the Opera is!

Larry: New York or London, probably.

Authoress: I would hate to be responsible for murdering Santa's elves.

Montparnasse: (perking up) Murder?

Bernard: So you must be Montparnasse, then. Where's Edward Hyde, huh?

Authoress: Shut up, Bernard, I'm writing a phic here, and I highly doubt anyone cares about the chip on your shoulder...

Larry: I care!

Authoress: You shut up too. Where's Judy? She has sense.

Larry and Bernard: Hey!

Authoress: And where is Erik? I have to get to Red and Black!

(A gay-ish elf with a long blond braid wanders by.)

Authoress: Quentin! Where's the Phantom and the phangirls? Please, help me out here!

Quentin: Hallo, Erin! You mean the man with the mask?

Authoress: Yes!

Quentin: He's over in packaging, along with an unhappy blonde woman.

Raoul: Christine!

Bernard: (pointing at Raoul) See, that guy has a girlfriend!

Authoress: Shut up!

Bernard: (to Montparnasse) Hey, you! D'you have a girlfriend?

Montparnasse: Well... there's Eponine...

Bernard: They both have girlfriends!

Authoress: I'm ignoring you now.

(She drags Montparnasse and Raoul over to packaging, where she immediately sees a crowd of phangirls.)

Authoress: At last!

REVIEWER: Hey, you found us!

Authoress: Yes, I did... And I'm going to have to force you all to come back to the stage with me.

REVIEWER: Force us?

REVIEWER: Are you kidding?

REVIEWER: We've been trying to get back to the stage ever since we left Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!

J. B. Jazz: (singing) Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka!

REVIEWER: She's been doing that the whole time, too.

REVIEWER: We tried to sic Erik on her, but he was too caught up with trying to get Christine to love him.

Raoul: Christine? Where's Christine?

REVIEWER: With Erik.

Authoress: Where's Erik?

REVIEWER: He got in a fight with this weird angry elf with dreadlocks...

Authoress: Oh, great... What'd Bernard do to the poor Phantom?

(The reviewers point to two huge gift-wrapped boxes. The Authoress crosses over to one, which is shaking back and forth, and knocks on the side.)

Erik's Voice: Let me out of here!

Authoress: Splendid. (She unwraps the other, revealing a very dazed Christine.)

Raoul: Christine!

Christine: Raoul!

(They run to each other and start All-I-Ask-Of-You-ing.)

Authoress: I sure am glad I got over my Raoul possessiveness, or I'd probably have a problem right now. (sigh) I want to All-I-Ask-Of-You with Fluffy...

Bernard: Who's Fluffy?

Authoress: GET AWAY FROM ME!

(She grabs Montparnasse, Raoul, Christine, the Erik-box, and the phangirls.)

Authoress: We're leaving!

(And, just like that, they are back on the stage.)

Elyse3: Oh, yay, you're back!

nebulia: Yes, now we can see Erik do Red and Black all alone... Heh...

Maska: Where is Erik?

Authoress: In the big shiny box.

Tziporah: ... Should we even ask?

Authoress: Nah.

J.B. Jazz: Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka!

(The Phangirls have already unwrapped the Erik box, released the Phantom, and thrown J.B. Jazz inside, duct taping it shut. The singing continues, but it is muffled.)

J.B. Jazz's Voice: Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm!

Elyse3: I can see how that would get annoying.

Authoress: Yup. Red and Black time!

(The stage lights come up on a room full of tables. One has a red tablecloth, just for plot convenience. Erik is standing in the middle, by the red table, wearing a simple suit to minimize frantic costume changes in the middle of the song.)

Erik: (heaving a melodramatic sigh as the music begins)

**At Notre Dame the sections are prepared!**

(dashing to another table)

**At rue du Bac they're straining at the leash!**

(running across the stage)

**Students, workers, everyone!**

**There's a river on the run;**

**Like the flowing of a tide**

**Paris coming to our side!**

(He returns to the table with the cloth.)

**The time is near!**

**So near, it's stirring the blood in their veins!**

**And yet beware!**

**Don't let the wine go to your brains!** (looking pointedly at the table empty but for a bottle, where he will eventually be playing Grantaire)

**For the army we fight is a dangerous foe**

**With the men and the arms that we never can match**

**Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies**

**But the National Guard will be harder to catch!**

**We need a sign**

**To rally the people**

**To call them to arms**

**And to bring them in line!**

(Raoul slinks in.)

Erik: Finally! Am I glad to see you!

Raoul: You're glad to see... me?

Erik: Y- oh. Never mind.

**Marius, you're late!**

(He goes over to another table and picks up a little hand mirror and a cane.) What's this for?

Authoress: Look at your tongue in the mirror and rub your nose with the cane.

Erik: Why? Have you no mercy?

Authoress: Because... I can make your arm fall off.

Erik: (shudders, sticks out his tongue and looks in the mirror, and rubs his nose with the cane)

**What's wrong today?**

**You look as if you've seen a ghost!**

(He drops the cane and the mirror, which shatters, and runs over to the table with the wine bottle.)

Raoul: Seven years bad luck!

Erik: Shut up.

**Some wine and say what's going on! **(Realizing that he finally has a chance to sit, Erik collapses into the chair and lays his head down on the table, knocking over the wine bottle, which rolls onto the floor and breaks.)

Raoul: Ooh, seven more years!

Erik: You don't get bad luck for breaking a bottle, fop!

Raoul: He called me fop again! Make him stop!

Authoress: Don't worry Raoul, he'll get his.

Raoul: Good.

**A ghost you say, a ghost may be**

**She was just like a ghost to me!**

**One minute there, then she was gone!**

Erik: (his head still on the table, singing into the wood)

**I am agog, I am aghast**

**Is Marius in love at last?**

**I've never heard him 'ooh' and 'aah'**

**You talk of battles to be won**

**And here he comes like Don Ju-an**

**It's **definitely not **better than **my **o-per-a!**

Authoress: Um... yes it is.

Erik: (growls, then drags himself to his feet and shuffles over to the middle table)

**It is time for us all**

**To decide who we are**

**Do we fight for the right**

**To a night at the opera now?**

**Have you asked of yourselves**

**What's the price you might pay?**

**Is it simply a game**

**For rich young boys to play?**

**The color of the world**

**Is changing day by day...**

**Red, the blood of angry men!**

**Black, the dark of ages past!**

**Red, a world about to dawn!**

**Black, the night that ends at last!**

(He throws himself into a chair and sulks.)

Raoul:

**Had you been there tonight**

**You might know how it feels**

**To be struck to the bone**

**In a moment of breathless delight!**

Erik: I do too know how that feels, stupid. I'm in love, too, you know.

Raoul: You don't love Christine, you big meanie! If you loved her you'd leave her alone and let her be happy!

Erik: I did, retard.

Raoul: Oh, yeah, kidnapping her again and dragging her through the cellars of this rather frightening opera house and getting her gift-wrapped by an angry and bitter elf is really leaving her alone!

Erik: The phangirls told me to!

Raoul: If the phangirls told you to jump off a bridge would you?

Authoress: That's later, kids. Stop bickering and sing.

Raoul: (huffily)

**Had you been there tonight**

**You might also have known**

**How the world may be changed**

**In just one burst of light!**

**And what was right seems wrong**

**And what was wrong seems right!**

Erik:

**Red...**

Raoul:

**I feel my soul on fire!**

Erik:

**Black...**

Raoul:

**My world if she's not there!**

Erik:

**Red!**

Raoul:

**The color of desire!**

Erik:

**Black!**

Raoul:

**The color of despair!**

Erik:

**Marius, you're no longer a child**

**I do not doubt you mean it well**

**But now there is a higher call!**

**WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR **STUPID** SOUL?**

**We strive towards a larger goal!**

Your **little **life **don't count at all!**

Firmin: Improper grammar!

Erik: (ignoring him)

**Red, the blood of angry men!**

**Black, the dark of ages past!**

(Raoul joins in)

Erik and Raoul:

**Red, a world about to dawn!**

**Black, the night that ends at last!**


	20. Do You Hear the People Sing?

A/N- Sorry about the REVIEWER thing... I was trying to update really fast before I went to Toronto and forgot to change them... I blame the about:blank virus. _-shakes fist-_ But... cyber-cookies of apology to everyone who was not mentioned in the last chapter. And I apologize ahead of time, for this chapter might be devoid of humor.

X

_(The characters are all sitting around, looking bored. Again.)_

Erik: That blasted Authoress does love to take off and abandon us, doesn't she?

Daroga the Monkey: Ook-ook!

Erik: Oh dear God, _that's_ back.

Raoul: Is the Authoress sad?

Christine: Why do you think that, dear?

Raoul: Because she isn't here. Sometimes when she's not here it's because she's sad. Maybe she's sad.

Erik: Well, I can see how being around you would make her sad.

Raoul: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

_(And the Authoress comes running in.)_

Authoress: Gah, sorry 'bout that.

Raoul: Where WERE you? Erik was really mean to me the whole time! He called me... you know... the "f" word.

Authoress: The "f" word? ERIK!

Erik: He means "fop," not... that...

Authoress: Oh. Don't do that anymore, Erik.

Erik: What? No comical punishment or putdown? Nothing snide to say in defense of your beloved vicomte?

Authoress: Not really.

Raoul: I TOLD YOU SHE'S SAD!

Erik: Wait a minute... so being subdued and refusing to say rude things to me is sad?

Authoress: I guess so.

Erik: Well, good! Can I go kill your dog or something?

Authoress: I had to give my dog away last year. And my other dog disappeared.

Erik: Cat?

Authoress: Stanley died four years ago, and Koko would probably kill you first. Mr. Bushy Tail is just stupid and fat, so go ahead.

Erik: Boyfriend?

Authoress: That's it, I'm leaving.

_(She disappears.)_

Raoul: Look what you did, you big fat meanie head! Now we're stuck here again!

Erik: Well, at least she's not bothering me.

Raoul: She _wasn't_ bothering you! And if we don't get this show done she'll never let us go home!

Erik: ... Oh yeah.

Raoul: And you're supposed to be the smart one!

_(The Authoress reappears with a folder.)_

Authoress: 'Parnasse? You still here?

Montparnasse: Yo.

Authoress: I have a job for you. _(She hands him the folder.)_ In here you'll find snapshots and the address of Fluffy.

Montparnasse: What do you want me to do?

Authoress: Kill him.

Montparnasse: ... Okay. _(He leaves.)_

Raoul: Can we finish the show yet?

Authoress: I don't think this thing is ever gonna end. We aren't even done with act one yet! But sure, we can try to put a dent in it.

Raoul: Goody.

_(Erik takes his places at the tables.)_

Erik:

**Well, Courfeyrac, do we have all the guns?**

**Feuilly, Combeferre, our time is running short!**

**Grantaire, put the bottle down!**

**Do we have the guns we need?**

(He runs over and grabs the new bottle set out to replace the one he broke.)

Give me brandy on my breath 

**And I'll breathe them all to death!**

(Dashing from table to table...)

At Saint Antoine they're with us to a man! 

**In Notre Dame they're tearing up the stones!**

**Twenty rifles good as new!**

(He finds a Gavroche hat and runs up to a higher part of the set.)

Listen! 

(Dropping the hat and returning to the tables.)

Twenty rounds for every man! 

(Jamming the hat back on.)

Listen to me! 

(Dropping it again.)

Double that in Port Saint Cloud! Seven guns in Saint Martin! 

(Again with the hat.)

LISTEN EVERYBODY! 

(If anyone else were present, they would here fall silent.)

**General Lamarque... is dead.**

(All is quiet for a moment as he drops the hat again and returns to the center table as Enjolras.)

**Lamarque is dead.**

Lamarque! His death is the hour of fate! 

**The people's man! **

**His death is the sign we await!**

**On his funeral day they will honor his name!**

**It's a rallying cry that will reach every ear!**

**At the death of Lamarque we will kindle the flame!**

**We will see that the day of salvation is near!**

**The time is here!**

**Let us welcome it gladly with courage and cheer!**

**Let us take to the streets with no doubt in our hearts!**

**But a jubilant shout**

**They will come, one and all**

**They will come when we call!**

And now... I get to sing another song all alone. What fun.

Authoress: Wanna sing the Forbidden Broadway version?

Erik: The what? Oh, why not.

Do you hear the people sing 

**All of the new songs from Les Mis?**

**It is the best show of a classic**

**Since they modernized The Wiz.**

**Better learn the songs by heart**

**And if you don't they'll call you dumb.**

**They'll be atop the record chart**

**When the British come!**

**No more Gershwin**

**No more Kern**

**We don't need old shows anymore!**

**We'll set ablaze and burn**

**Most ev'ry Stephen Sondheim score.**

**Come join with the few who have started**

**A musical war!**

**Do you hear the people sing**

**All of the new songs from Les Mis?**

**Even the great Andrew Lloyd Webber wished**

**The songs were really his!**

**You'll be ticketed and pinched**

**If a La Cage song you should hum**

**Poor Jerry Herman will be lynched**

**When the British come!**

**Do you hear the people sing**

**All of the new songs from Les Mis?**

**Now with our new French revolution**

**We'll decapitate the biz!**

**Now Les Mis is here to stay**

**Mi-is Saigon will leave you numb**

**Phantom will haunt the Great White Way**

**When the British Come!**

**Ah-ah-ah... The British Come!**

**For Britain... Broadway!**

Hey... I like that song.

Authoress: Yup. Hopefully I don't get flamed for skipping the most overdone song in the entire show.

Bahorel: Wouldn't that be Bring Him Home? Or I Dreamed A Dream?

Authoress: ...Maybe. Or On My Own. Which I think I'll go sing right now.

(She disappears again.)

Erik: The fop's right... She is upset.

Raoul: TOLD YOU!

Erik: I wonder why.

GothMeg: Goodness! Guys are so stupid! She got depressed when you said "boyfriend," she sent Montparnasse to kill that guy she likes or liked, and now she's singing On My Own! What might be the problem here?

Raoul and Erik: ...

Bahorel: Men are so insensitive!

GothMeg: You got that right.


	21. Eena My Life

A/N- Whee, I'm back and happy again! Also, my love for MagicHair has been rekindled with a passion since he came to my 16th birthday party! I love my mommy... He came and he sang Lily's Eyes and he hugged me and sang Happy Birthday and all my friends were like... that looks like the guy on the invitation you gave us... And it was! Hahaha...! Anyway... That DYHTPS is the Forbidden Broadway version, FB being a hilarious show that mercilessly mocks all other shows in its path. The Great White Way means Broadway, I think... There really isn't much insult to POTO in that song, don't worry.

Yay for maybe bobmcbob & Sis or maybe J.B. Jazz, my 300th reviewer! Wow... 300... _-mind boggles-_

X

Authoress: I'm back! Hahaha!

Raoul: Yay!

Gothmeg: Are you feeling better, dear?

Authoress: Oh, absolutely. Montparnasse went through my mind here and killed off Fluffy whenever he popped up. I think he tried to replace him with himself though... That didn't quite work out. But now I have multiple new loves where Stupid Fluffy used to be... like MagicHair, Fiyero, and Eddie here, and-

Christine: Wait... Eddie? What does that mean?

Authoress: _(pointing into the shadows)_ You know... Eddie. C'mere, Eddie.

(A pale young man with wild black hair steps out of the shadows, causing several POTO characters to scream.)

Buquet: He's got knives!

(The young man shuffles toward them, arms outstretched.)

Eddie: I'm not finished.

Authoress: I know, dear. _(turning to the terrified characters)_ He's got scissors for hands, see. And that's his name – Edward Scissorhands. Isn't he just adorable?

POTO Characters: ...

Authoress: Well, _I _love him. You know what? Just because I love Edward Scissorhands and Jack Sparrow and Gilbert Grape and Mort Rainey does not mean I'm a Johnny Depp fangirl!

Bahorel: Of course not! And just because I love Legolas Greenleaf and Will Turner and Paris and that guy who fell off the helicopter in Black Hawk Down and I'm wearing a shirt that says I HEART ORLIE does not mean I'm an Orlando Bloom fangirl.

Authoress: _(eyetwitch)_ That's because you're a man...

Bahorel: So?

(The Authoress grabs Raoul and backs away slowly.)

Erik: _(wandering in)_ Oh, beautiful, she's back.

Authoress: I know, right? Hey, if someone's beating a lovely lady and she's bleeding should that fic be bumped higher than PG13... or whatever the stupid fanfiction version of that is?

Erik: What?

Authoress: Never mind... I wasn't really asking you in particular... I... _(her eyes glaze over)_

Erik: Oh, and she's crazier than before that whole... whatever it was...

Gothmeg: Fluffy turned out to be a loser.

Erik: What?

Gothmeg: Yeah. Think about it... what if you all loved someone and stuff, and then found out that she wasn't the sweet young thing you were seeking, that she was, in fact, dating someone else.

Erik: _(bitterly)_ ... I can't imagine.

Gothmeg: Oh. Well, then what if you heard her swear a few times, and you were adamantly against swearing.

Erik: Damn, that would suck.

Authoress: _(snapping out of it)_ Profanity me no likee!

Erik: _(under his breath)_ Which explains an obsession with this Les Misérables thing, and that prettyboy murderer, and that schizo doctor...

Authoress: I love MagicHair! _(bursting into a song that resembles the Oliver, Oliver! song)_ MagicHair! MagicHair! That is the man who has shaken my hand! MagicHair! MagicHair! We fangirls rejoice at the sound of his voice! With his gold eyes and his hair which is flippy and magical He will make us scream like freaks or just fangirls when he bows at curtaincall. MagicHair! MagicHair! Wore a dress while in 'Jane' made us both go insane! He may rue the day that he was so kind to us—MagicHair!

(A moment of silence. Then, Raoul applauds slowly.)

Authoress: Only, Patrick Wilson is getting married. To the lady from Count of Monte Cristo. That's so much fun to say... Count of Monte Cristo! Count of Monte Cristo! Count of Monte Cristo! El pelo magico!

Erik: What in the world...?

Authoress: IN MY LIFE!

Erik: Do you think the prettyboy murderer gave her brain damage?

Bahorel: It's possible.

Authoress: Carlotta! Carlotta, and she's Cosette, yeah? Yeah? Yeah. C'mere, Edward, we'll go chill and watch.

(Carlotta sulks in.)

Carlotta: I thought-a you all-a 'ated me.

Authoress: Yeah, but you're still Cosette. So sing!

Carlotta: Fine-a. I sing-a for you.

'**Ow strange!**

**Zees-a feeleeng zat-a my life-a beegeen at-a last!**

**Zees-a change!**

**Can-a people really fall in-a loff so fast?**

**Whazza matter weeth-a you, Cosette?**

'**Af you been too much on-a your own?**

**So many things un-a-clear!**

**So many things un-a-known.**

**Een-a my life**

**Zere-a are-a so many questions and-a answers**

**Zat-a somehow seem-a wrong-a!**

**Een-a my life**

**Zere are-a times when I catch-a een ze silence**

**Ze sigh of a faraway song-a!**

**And eet seeng-a**

**Of a world zat-a I long-a to see!**

**Out-a of-a reach!**

**Just a whisper away-a**

**Waiteeng for-a me!**

**Does ee know I'm alive-a?**

**Do I know if ee's real-a?**

**Does ee see what I-a see?**

**Does ee feel-a what I-a feel?**

**Een-a my life**

**I'm-a no longer alone-a**

**Now ze loff een my-a life**

**Ees so near**

**Find-a me now**

**Find-a me 'ere!**

(Erik Valerik slouches in.)

Erik:

Dear Carlette 

**You're such a **loser** child**

**How **stupid**, how **loud** you seem to me**

**Believe me, were it within my power**

You'd be dead within the **hour**

**How **splendid it would **be, I can see,**

**With only me**, no diva thing.

Carlotta: _(making an admirable attempt to ignore him)_

Zere's-a so leettle I-a know 

**Zat I'm-a longeeng to know**

**Of ze shild zat-a I was**

**Een a time long ago!**

**Zere's-a so leettle you say**

**Of ze life you aff-a known**

**Why you keep-a to yourself**

**Why we're always alone**

**So dark-a, so dark and-a deep**

**Ze secrets zat-a you keep!**

**Een-a my life**

**I aff all zat I want**

**You are loffeeng and-a gentle and-a good**

**But-a Papa, dear Papa,**

**Een-a your eyes I am-a just like-a ze child**

**Oo ees lost een-a ze wood**

Erik:

No more words! 

**No more words **or you might just be dead

There are words 

**That are better unheard**

**Better unsaid**

Carlotta:

Een-a my life 

**I'm no longer a child and-a I yearn**

**For ze troos zat you know**

**Of ze years... years ago!**

Erik:

You will learn 

**Truth is given by God **

**To us all in our time**

**In our turn...**

(Erik leaves, much to his own relief, and Maraoul enters on the other side of the big gate thingy with Christonine. Carlette has a seat on her stone bench.)

Raoul: But I don't love her! I love... _(points to Christine)_ her.

Christine: I love you too, dear.

Authoress: Pretend you're singing about Christine, then.

Raoul: Oh, okay.

In my life 

**She has burst like the music of angels**

**The light of the sun**

**And my life**

**Seems to stop as if something is over**

**And something has scarcely begun**

_(to Christonine)_ **Éponine**

**You're the friend who has brought me here**

**Thanks to you**

**I am one with the gods and heaven is near!**

**And I soar through a world that is new**

**That is free...**

Christine: _(sadly)_

Every word that he says 

**Is a dagger in me!**

**In my life**

**There's been no one like him anywhere**

**Anywhere, where he is**

**If he asked**

**I'd be his...**

Christine and Raoul:

In my life 

**There is someone who touches my life**

Raoul:

_(heading toward the gate)_ **Waiting near...**

Christine:

_(looking sadly after him)_ ** Waiting here.**


	22. An 'eart Fool Offa Loff

A/N- GAH! How long has it been since you last saw me, eh? Well, I spent a week on a mission trip to Mexico, then came back to find that my computer had been sent to this de-virusing man who removed over 200 viruses from the poor dear. Aw. _-huggles Tholomyès the PC- _He's all better now. But I went a record 18 days without Internet access. Whoa.

* * *

_(The POTO characters are all wandering about, having tea with each other or whatever people left alone in a giant theater of insanity do when left alone together for a very, very long time.)_

Raoul: You know who I haven't seen in a long time? The Authoress.

Erik: _(sarcastically)_ No kidding. She's abandoned us to our fate. We will all perish here.

Raoul: Aren't you a regular little ray of sunshine?

Erik: There's no Authoress here to protect you from the wrath of my Punjab, fop.

Raoul: Gah!

Erik: Fop!

Raoul: Meh!

Erik: Fop!

Raoul: Stoppit!

Erik: Why don't you make me?

Raoul: I could.

Erik: How?

Raoul: I could make out with Christine right in front of you.

_(Silence. Everyone is stunned.)_

Madame Giry: M'sieur le vicomte!

Raoul: What?

Madame Giry: That was... well, brilliant.

Raoul: Huh?

Gothmeg: She's saying that you just said something smart.

Raoul: Well, I _told_ you I'm not a... you know.

Gothmeg: Fop?

Raoul: AUGHGAHAHAUHSDAFUAHDAHUAIGHAGH!

Gothmeg: ...

Erik: Wait... where is Christine? I haven't seen her in forever.

Raoul: Oh... about that. Um...

Erik: What do you mean, um?

Raoul: Well, you know how long periods of time are kind of longer here in this weird theater in the Authoress's mind than they are usually?

Erik: Huh?

Raoul: Well, how long has it been since we've seen the Authoress?

Erik: Um... a year? Two years?

Raoul: Two years... in our time. But in the outside world it's really only about two months.

Erik: Weird. But what does that have to do with the fact that I haven't seen Christine... well, since that last time the Authoress was here?

Buquet: What's weird is that you haven't noticed she was gone...

Erik: What? I was busy making fun of the fop.

Raoul: AHGUAIGNAJJNDSAIGNMKXCKJBSOKAUGH!

Firmin: Don't do that, you'll give him a nervous breakdown.

Erik: So?

André: Don't you want to know where Miss Daaé is?

Erik: Oh yeah. Oy!

Raoul: Yes?

Erik: So, where is she?

Raoul: In our dressing room.

Erik: ... Gee, that was difficult.

_(Erik gets to his feet and heads in the direction.)_

Raoul: Wait, wait, where are you going?

Erik: To find a way into her mirror.

Bahorel: Perv!

Gothmeg: No, he just comes into her mirror, hypnotizes her, then shows her his creepy lair. Then she faints, wakes up, and he brings her back by morning.

Bahorel: What's the point of that?

Gothmeg: Um... No idea.

Raoul: _(following Erik)_ No! You can't go!

Erik: Why not? It's not like I could turn her love from you to me anyway. I just want one trip through the mirror, for old times' sake.

Raoul: No!

Erik: Go away.

_(He comes to the dressing room and pulls open the door. Christine is kneeling on the floor next to a table with a large gray tablecloth that reaches the floor. She is singing a song Erik doesn't recognize.)_

Christine: "Then by my side the proof I see..." Oh! Hello, Erik. Hi, Raoul.

Erik: You're here. It's true. It is as I've been told.

Christine: Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, it's great seeing you again. Bye.

Erik: No, Christine, you must come back out. We miss you, and Carlotta is annoying everyone.

Christine: Um... no. Can't leave.

Erik: What the heck is going on here? Why not?

Christine: Well, I might as well tell you... There is a secret that you don't know. There is a force here I never show...

Raoul: No, Christine! Don't show him, he'll get all mad!

Erik: What? Show me!

Christine: If you want the reason... I will show you... now.

_(Christine pulls the cloth off of the table to reveal a child asleep in a little crib. She has blonde, blonde hair. Blonde I say!)_

Erik: Okay. Who's that?

Christine: Look, Erik, this is my daughter. She has kept us alive. Now you see why I must tell you "no."

Erik: What?

Raoul: No, you shouldn't have shown him! Just watch what happens now!

Christine: It'll be fine, darling.

Erik: Wait... you're telling me that the Authoress has been gone so long you had time to have a kid with the fop?

Raoul: SNJHDSJAKHJAFGHFEAJIAHSJAHAAUGH!

_(The baby wakes up and begins to cry.)_

Christine: Now look what you did, Erik!

Erik: Me? It was the fop-

Raoul: AHGJUIAHJSDAOHNJANGJAKNAJAUGH!

Erik: -who made all the noise and woke the stupid thing up!

Christine: _(rocking the baby)_ Don't cry, Lotte...

Erik: Oh, of course you named the blasted thing Lotte!

_(He leaves and returns to the group onstage.)_

Erik: God, I need a beer or something.

Carlotta: We af-a nothing alcoholic 'ere. I af-a already shecked.

Erik: Fine, then, I'll take tea, dammit!

Authoress: Profanity me no likee!

Erik: WHAT THE- Oh no.

Authoress: Hola, mi amigos! Did you miss me? Yeah, you know you did.

Raoul: _(running out of the dressing room)_ I heard her! I heard the Authoress! Where... AH!_ (he collapses and throws his arms around her knees)_ I missed you so much...

Authoress: Erm... _he_ missed me, anyway.

Bahorel: Where were you?

Authoress: Mexico, bien sûr.

Gothmeg: Okay, I'm confused.Canyou speak American, Mexican, or French?

Authoress: No sé. Peut-être tout.

Erik: Oh, make her stop.

Raoul: Guess what! Guess!

Authoress: What is it, darlin'?

Raoul: I'm a daddy!

Authoress: Say what? How long have I been gone?

Gothmeg: Apparently time is different for you than us.

Authoress: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Gothmeg: Yeah, I know.

Raoul: She's very pretty and her name is Lotte.

Authoress: Is she blonde?

Raoul: Yep.

Authoress: Blue eyes?

Raoul: Of course.

Authoress: Good. So... does anyone remember where we left off?

Raoul: You mean you just come in and we start the show again like you were never gone?

Authoress: Yeah.

Raoul: But we missed you a lot! Shouldn't we have tea or something?

Authoress: There is too much tea in this chapter already. We shall move on.

Raoul: Fine...

Carlotta: Ze vicomte was about to climb-a a feence to be with-a me.

Authoress: Huh? Oh, okay. Carlotta... Raoul... where's Christine?

Raoul: At home with the baby.

Authoress: At home?

Erik: He means in their dressing room.

Authoress: Oh. HEY, CHRISTINE!

_(Christine comes out of the dressing room with Lotte in her arms.)_

Christine: Shh! The baby's sleeping.

Authoress: _(whispering_ _loudly)_ We need you to do Éponine for A Heart Full of Love!

Christine: What about my baby?

Montparnasse: I'll hold her.

Erik: Oh, splendid, she's brought that moron back as well!

Christine: Um... no, I don't think that's a good idea.

Gothmeg: How about me, hon? Can I hold the baby?

Christine: Sure, that'll work. But don't let Erik or the Authoress's boyfriend near him.

Authoress: My boyfriend? What are you talking about? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT? **WHO TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT?**

Christine: Augh! What the heck?

Gothmeg: Sweetheart, don't you remember a chapter or two ago...

Christine: Oh, no! I totally forgot!

Montparnasse: And you've undone all my therapy, you silly girl. Yo, Loony!

Authoress: She said my boyfriend...! What's that supposed to mean, really? I'd done a very good job of blocking-

Montparnasse: Hey, Loony!

Authoress: -all of those... Yes?

Montparnasse: Patrick Wilson.

Authoress: Uh-huh.

Montparnasse: MagicHair.

Authoress: Ooh.

Montparnasse: Me.

Authoress: Yay!

Montparnasse: Okay... that should work for now. Be careful about that!

Christine: Sorry. _(passes her baby to_ _Gothmeg)_ I'm ready for the next song, Authoress.

Authoress: Huh? ... Oh. Right, okay. Allons-nous!

_(Raoul climbs a fence and jumps down behind where Carlotta is seated on a stone bench. Christine remains on the other side.)_

Raoul:

**A heart full of love**

_(Carlette nearly falls off the bench at the sound of Maraoul's voice.)_

**A heart full of song...**

**I'm doing everything all wrong!**

**Oh, God, for shame!**

**I do not even know your name!**

**Dear Mademoiselle...**

**Won't you say?**

**Will you tell?**

Carlotta:

**An 'eart fool off loff!**

**No fear, no regret!**

Raoul:

**My name is Marius Pontmercy!**

Carlotta:

**And-a mine's Cosette!**

Raoul:

**Cosette! I don't know what to say!**

Carlotta:

**Theen-a make no sound!**

Raoul:

**I am lost!**

Carlotta:

**I am-a found!**

Raoul:

**A heart full of light!**

Carlotta:

**A night bright as-a day!**

Raoul:

**And you must never go away!**

**Cosette, Cosette!**

Carlotta:

**Zees-a ees a shain we'll never break!**

Raoul:

**Do I dream?**

Carlotta:

**I'm awake!**

Raoul:

**A heart full of love!**

Christine:

**He was never mine to lose!**

Carlotta:

**An 'eart-a fool off-a you!**

Christine:

**Why regret what could not be?**

Raoul:

**A single look and then I knew.**

Carlotta:

**I-a knew eet-a too!**

Christine:

**These are words he'll never say!**

**Not to me...**

Raoul:

**From today**

Christine:

**Not to me**

**Not to me...**

Carlotta:

**Eff'ry day!**

Raoul and Carlotta:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Christine:

**For it isn't a dream! - - - - - - - - - - - - ****His heart full of love!**

**Not a dream after all! - - - - - - - - - - - He will never feel this way.**

Authoress: I hope everyone appreciates the retarded spacing I had to do to work that. And review! Maybe I'll update in a matter of days this time!


	23. The Attack on Rue Plumet

_(Gothmeg is holding Lotte, Raoul and Carlotta are on the bench in the garden, and Christine is on the other side of the gate, looking depressed.)_

Raoul: Wait... isn't this the part where the Authoress disappears for long hours at a time and we are forced to drink tea and have children out of boredom?

Erik: Why won't she go away?

Authoress: I told you I'd try to update sooner, because you just can't let a story go months with no update or you'll forget what's going on... not to mention the story will never end. I mean, we're not even at intermission yet, and already we've picked up Bahorel, Meg went goth, Piangi has disappeared, Montparnasse is-

Carlotta: 'Old on! Where ees my Ubaldo? I 'aff-a not seen eem seence se begeeneeng off-a se show!

Authoress: Um... I don't like him. He's boring in the play, invisible in the movie, and nonexistent in the book.

Carlotta: Well-a, I like 'eem.

Authoress: How would you like one of these instead?

_(There is a puff of smoke in the middle of the room, and a thin man in a gray suit and purple cape appears behind a large curly mustache.)_

Carlotta: Oo are-a you?

New Man: I... am Adolfo Pirelli, da king of-a da barbers, da barber of-a kings! E buon giorno, good day! I blow you a kiss! _(He does. Carlotta raises her eyebrows and takes a step closer.)_

Authoress: And see, he's not a fatty like Piangi, and he has a cooler voice. Oh, and he comes with this.

_(Another poof of smoke and a young man in orange and yellow rags with messy red hair appears. He looks around, sees Pirelli, and limps away as fast as he can.)_

Carlotta: What was-a that?

Authoress: It was Toby! He's so adorable. I have to go get him, though... he gets scared easy.

_(She leaves for a moment, and then returns with said Toby.)_

Authoress: Isn't he just the most adorablest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Toby, how would you like to sit out here with Montparnasse, Edward Scissorhands, and me and watch a play and eat popcorn?

Toby: Please, mum?

Authoress: I thought you might. Oh, and this, too.

_(Another poof of smoke and a short guy joins them.)_

Authoress: Okay, we're sitting down. Everybody, this is Boq.

Assorted Kidnapped Male Characters: Hello, Boq.

Boq: Um... hi?

Authoress: I brought him in cos I just saw Bewitched, and Kristen Chenowith was in it, and I guessed it was her having no idea what she really looked like. I mean, who else has that voice and that laugh? Anyway, we're gonna do my favourite song ever now! I think it's my favourite... maybe...

Bahorel: Why's this your favorite?

Authoress: Because it's time for 'Parnasse's big line! Say it, 'Parnasse.

Montparnasse: I will not.

Authoress: Say it, or I'll make you play Cosette in this scene.

Montparnasse: Try it.

Authoress: Say it, or I'll talk about You Know What and undo all your therapy.

Montparnasse: _(quickly)_ GohomePoninegohomeyou'reintheway.

Authoress: _(clapping hands excitedly)_ It's his only line in the shortened version of the play! But we're gonna do it the old fashioned way, with the part at the beginning. Okay? Yeah, you know it. Wait, who's playing Montparnasse? I spell favourite with a "u," like the British. The Pythons are British. They're geniuses, too, and not evil geniuses, they're actually very nice. Andrew Lloyd Webber is not actually very nice. He is actually a stuck up prig, and I hate him. Except I like Phantom and Joseph and JCS a lot. And Love Changes Everything, when Michael Ball sings it. Rob Marnell, MagicHair, he's my new Angel of Music. Michael Ball used to be, but MagicHair doesn't smoke. I don't like it when people smoke; it makes me cough. Coughing is icky, and smokers' lungs are black. If Rob Marnell ever started smoking I would cry. He likes my website I made for him. I drove four hours to Virginia to see him in Expletive Yankees. He was the lead. We decided we want his college to do Sweeney Todd, and to put him in the lead because that would be hot. And then I'd want to be Mrs. Lovett, or the crazy beggar woman, but Mrs. Lovett kisses Sweeney-

Toby: Missus Lovett? Is she 'ere?

Authoress: No.

Erik: Thank God, she finally stopped!

Raoul: Um... I do.

Christine: You do what, dear?

Raoul: I play Montparnasse.

Authoress: Sexy! I remember that now! Okay... lezzgo!

Christine:

**Parnasse, what are you doing**

**So far out of our patch?**

Raoul:

**This house, we're gonna do it!**

**Rich man, plenty of scratch!**

**You remember he's the one that **

**Got away the other day!**

**Had a number on his chest**

**Perhaps a fortune put away!**

Christine: _(to herself, as Raoul wanders toward the gate)_

**Oh Lord, somebody help me**

**Dear God, what'll I do?**

**He'll think this is an ambush!**

**He'll think I'm in it, too!**

**What'll I do?**

**What'll I say?**

**I've got to warn them here,**

**I've got to find a way!**

_(She hides in a corner of the gate as the rest of the gang assembles in the street.)_

Authoress: Oh! I'm s'posed to be Thénardier! Um... Toby, you do it!

Toby: Me, mum?

Authoress: Yeah, go.

_(Toby limps up onto the stage.)_

Toby: _(slowly)_

**This is 'is leh**

**Ah've seen the ol' fox aroun'! **

**'E keeps 'imself to 'imself **

**'E's stayin' close to the groun'!**

**Ah smell profit 'ere.**

**Ten yeehs ago**

'**E came an' paid for Cosette**

**Ah let 'er go for a song'**

**I's tahm we set'led the debt**

**This'll cost 'im de-ah.**

Madame Giry:

**What do I care**

**Who you should rob?**

**Gimme my share!**

**Finish the job!**

Toby:

**You shut y' mouth**

**Gimme yer 'and!**

_(Christonine shows herself.)_

Madame Giry:

**What have we here?**

Toby:

**'Oo is this 'ussy?**

Buquet:

**It's your brat, Éponine! Don't you know your own kid?**

**Why's she hanging about you?**

Toby:

**Éponine, get on 'ome**

**Yer not needed in this**

**We've enough 'ere without you**

Christine:

**I know this house!**

**I tell you there's nothing here for you! **

**Just the old man and the girl!**

**They live ordinary lives!**

Toby:

**Don't intufeah,**

**You've got some gall**

**Take care, young miss, you've got**

**A lo' to say**

Madame Giry:

**She's going soft**

Erik:

**Happens to all**

Raoul:

**Go home, 'Ponine, go home**

**You're in the way!**

Authoress: YAYYY!

Christine:

**I'm gonna scream! I'm gonna warn them here!**

Toby:

**One lit'le scream an' you'll**

**Regre' it for a ye-ah!**

Erik:

**What a palaver,**

**What an absolute treat**

**To watch a cat and its father**

**Pick a bone in the street!**

What's a palaver?

Authoress: Dunno.

Madame Giry:

**Not a sound out of you!**

Christine:

**Well, I told you I'd do it,**

**I told you I'd do it!**

_(She hits the last note from "Phantom of the Opera.")_

Toby:

**You wait m' girl**

**You'll rue this night**

**I'll make y' scream**

**You'll scream all righ'!**

**Leave 'er t' me!**

**Don' wait aroun'!**

**Make fo' the sewers!**

**Go undugroun'!**

_(They all run away – or limp away, in Toby's case. Limp away fast. Raoul, slightly out of breath from switching costumes so quickly, quickly climbs over the fence, leaving Carlotta in the garden.)_

Raoul: _(to Christine)_

**It was your cry**

**Sent them away**

**Once more 'Ponine**

**Saving the day!**

**Dearest Cosette,**

**My friend 'Ponine**

**Brought me to you**

**Showed me the way!**

**Somebody's near**

**Let's not be seen!**

**Somebody's here!**

_(He runs away as Erik comes in.)_

Erik:

**My God, Cosette!**

**I heard a cry in the dark!**

**I heard the shout of angry voices in the street!**

Carlotta:

**Sat was-a my cry you 'eard, Papa**

**I was afraid of what zey'd do!**

**Sey ran away-a when sey 'eard my cry...**

Erik:

**Cosette, my child, what will become of you?**

Carlotta:

**Tree men I-a saw beyond se wall!**

**Tree men in-a shadow, moving-a fast!**

Erik:

**This is a warning to us all...**

**These are the shadows of the past!**

**Must be Javert!**

**He's found my cover at last!**

**I've got to get Cosette away before they return!**

**We must get away from shadows that will never let us be!**

**Tomorrow to Calais, and then a ship across the sea!**

**Hurry Cosette, prepare to leave and say no more**

**Tomorrow we'll away!**

**Hurry Cosette, prepare to close another door **

**And live another day!**

Authoress: Annnd cut! Next update we'll be at intermission! I never thought I'd see this day...


	24. One Day More! Finally!

A/N- Gah, that update took longer than I'd hoped. Y'see, I have a job and I end up working almost every day, not to mention my duties to my Rob Marnell website and my two other fics. Of course, I've updated this before the others. But I'll try to at least update weekly from this point forward.

* * *

Raoul: Excuse me, Miss Authoress?

Authoress: Yo.

Raoul: Can my Lotte be in the show?

Authoress: Um...

Christine: Sweetheart, she's a bit young, don't you think?

Raoul: You mean there aren't any babies in this story?

Authoress: Not... really...

Raoul: Crap.

Christine: _(pointing indignantly to the baby) _Raoul! Little ears!

Raoul: Gasp! I'm sorry...

Christine: I forgive you, darling.

Eric Idle: _(appears) _This is lame and ridiculous. Cyber cookies to anyone who knows who I am _(disappears)_

Authoress: I know who you are! But wait... cyber cookies are my trademark... um... reviewer reward!

Erik: That mysterious British man was right... This is lame. Why don't we just get started on the next song thing?

Authoress: But... but... it's intermission. We need to have some sort of big... er... bang type ending to the first act! You know...

Erik: It's not intermission YET, is it?

Authoress: I finally figured out how to put music clips on my MagicHair site!

Erik: ... And this pertains to us... how?

Authoress: I dunno. I have a headache. I think Act II will be shorter than Act I. What do you think?

Erik: I think you should start the song now.

Authoress: You're a jerk.

Erik: I am loved by my phans!

Authoress: Oh yeah, the phangirls! I forgot they were here... So, who wants to do One Day More?

_(Erik rolls his eyes.)_

Authoress: Shut up. Okay, this is how it goes. Erik, you're Valjean. Carlotta, Cosette; Raoul, Marius; Erik, Enjolras; Toby, Thénardier; Christine, Éponine; Firmin, Madame T; Erik, Gavroche. Phangirls will be the extra revolutionaries. Anyone else? Oh, yeah. Javert's still up... no, never mind... Bahorel, you be Javert.

Bahorel: I get to be in Les Mis again! Yay!

Authoress: And you know what else? In the 98 movie, Geoffrey Rush played Javert. He also played Captain Barbossa in Pirates of the Caribbean, and d'you know who played his archenemy in this movie?

J.B. Jazz: Johnny Depp?

_(The Reviewers hail the return of the Phangirls.)_

Authoress: No...

Bahorel: I know! It was... Orlie! _(He screams and rips off his chemise to reveal another tee with Orlando Bloom's smirking face across the front.)_

Authoress: You do know he can't act worth a crap, right?

_(Various Fangirls make noises of outrage and protest.)_

Authoress: What? He can't! He plays the same role in every friggin movie... A prettyboy doing battle! Even in Black Hawk Down, he was just a bald prettyboy who was scared of doing battle and fell out of a plane!

Bahorel: Helicopter.

Authoress: Whatever. It's scary that you know that. Now come on, we're wasting time.

Erik: You can't possibly expect me to do three roles at once! This is ridiculous!

Authoress: I've done two-man Les Mis with a friend, and during One Day More I played Marius, Cosette, Javert, both Thénardiers, Gavroche, Enjolras, and Fantine!

Gothmeg: But Fantine's not in One Day More.

Authoress: Who asked you?

Erik: Well, you're awfully cranky today.

Authoress: That's because I finished reading the Charles E. Wilbour Les Mis at work yesterday, and now I'm reading a depressing book that gives me a headache.

Raoul: Aw, I'm sorry.

Authoress: I know you are, dear. Okay, we're gonna start this song now. Any objections? From someone other than Erik?

_(Silence.)_

Authoress: That's what I thought. Go Valerik, start the song.

Erik: _(holding a suitcase, ready to leave for Calais with Carlotta)_

**One day more**

**Another day, another destiny**

**This never-ending road to Calvary**

**These men who seem to know my crime**

**Will surely come a second time**

**One day more**

_(Raoul and Carlotta enter.)_

Raoul:

**I did not live until today.**

**How can I live when we are parted?**

Erik:

**One day more**

Raoul and Carlotta:

**Tomorrow you'll be worlds away! **

**And yet with you my world has started.**

Christine: _(watching Raoul and Carlotta)_

**One more day all on my own**

Raoul and Carlotta:

**Will we ever meet again?**

Christine:

**One more day with him not caring!**

Raoul and Carlotta:

**I was born to be with you!**

Christine:

**What I life I might have known**

Raoul and Carlotta:

**And I swear I will be true**

Christine:

**But he never saw me there!**

_(Erik re-enters, finally wearing the sexy red Vest. The Enjy fans rejoice.)_

Erik:

**One more day before the storm!**

Raoul:

**Do I follow where she goes?**

Erik:

**At the barricades of freedom!**

Raoul:

**Shall I join my brothers there?**

Erik:

**When our ranks begin to form**

Raoul:

**Do I stay and do I dare?**

Erik:

**Will you take your place with me?**

Assorted Phangirls:

**The time is now!**

**The day is here!**

_(Erik dashes over and picks up the Valjean suitcase.)_

Erik:

**One day more!**

_(Bahorel dances in wearing the sideburns and civilians' clothes. He ties on a revolutionary's sash as he sings...)_

Bahorel:

**One more day to revolution**

**We will nip it in the bud**

**I will join these little schoolboys**

**They will wet themselves... with blood!**

Erik:

**One day more!**

_(Toby and Firmin pop up through a trap door, representing the sewers.)_

Toby and Firmin:

**Watch 'em run amuck!**

**Catch 'em as they fall!**

**Never know your luck **

**When there's a free-for-all!**

'**Ere a lit'le dip!**

**There a lit'le touch!**

**Most of them are goners**

**So they won't miss much!**

Phangirl Reviewers and Erikjolras:

**One day to a new beginning!**

**Raise the flag of freedom high!**

**Every man will be a king!**

**Every man will be a king!**

**There's a new world for the winning!**

**There's a new world to be won!**

**Do you hear the people sing?**

_(Meanwhile, Raoul has finally made a decision.)_

Raoul:

**My place is here!**

**I fight with you!**

_(He and Christine join the group of phangirls, who have formed a little triangle with Erikjolras at the tip, and begin to do the I-have-to-pee dance. Toby and Firmin are in their trapdoor to the left, Bahorel is just in front of them, and Carlotta kneels at the right with an imaginary Valerik behind her.)_

_(The imaginary Valerik is replaced with a real one as Erik sprints over and grabs the suitcase of Valjean-ness.)_

Erik:

**One day more!**

_(The following takes place simultaneously as Bahorel joins the triangle of marching phangirl rebels.)_

Raoul and Carlotta:

**I did not live until today!**

Christine:

**One more day all on my own!**

Bahorel:

**I will join these people's heroes**

**I will follow where they go**

**I will learn their little secrets**

**I will know the things they know**

Raoul and Carlotta:

**How can I live when we are parted?**

Erik:

**One day more!**

Raoul and Carlotta:

**Tomorrow you'll be worlds away!**

Toby and Firmin:

**Watch 'em run amuck!**

**Catch 'em as they fall!**

**Never know your luck**

**When there's a free-for-all!**

Christine:

**One more day all on my own!**

Raoul and Carlotta:

**And yet with you my world has started!**

Bahorel:

**One more day till revolution**

**We will nip it in the bud!**

**We'll be ready for these schoolboys...**

Erik:

**Tomorrow we'll be far away**

**Tomorrow is the judgement day!**

Erik and Bahorel:

**Tomorrow is the judgement day!**

Everybody:

**Tomorrow we'll discover**

**What our God in heaven has is store!**

**One more dawn!**

**One more day!**

**One... Day... More...!**

_(Fireworks and balloons and confetti go everywhere like at the end of the Tenth Anniversary Concert.)_


	25. INTERMISSION

A/N- GAH! I thought I'd posted this chapter before I left for camp last Saturday, the sixteenth, but apparently I was mistaken and for this I must apologize and post another chapter immediately in apology. So there are two new chapters... um... feel free to review both _(wink wink).

* * *

_

Authoress: Does anybody know what time it is?

_(No answer.)_

Authoress: Not that I expected anybody to say "Tool Time," but it would have been interesting. HEY GUESS WHAT! WILLY WONKA!

J.B. Jazz: Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! The amazing chocolateer! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Everybody give a cheer! He's modest, clever and so smart he barely can restrain it! With so much generosity there is no way to contain it! To contain it! To contain to contain to CONTAAAAIIIIIIN!

Aislin of the Shadows: Look, she actually knows the words now...

Authoress: That's because we saw the movie. It's the shizznet, amigos, let me tell you! It's better than the old one, which is weird, because I never thought I'd ever like a remake better than an original, Little Shop doesn't count, and it's just better! Except I miss orange Oompa Loompas and that Pure Imagination song. My spellchecker tried to change Oompa Loompas into Oomph Lump. Heh. And Johnny Depp is such a cutie Michael Jackson Willy Wonka! He's sweet. And Saruman is his dad.

Bahorel: Saruman? As in, the old guy that Legolas tried to shoot in the special extended edition of the third Lord of the Rings movie?

Authoress: _(Willy Wonka voice)_ You're really weird.

J.B. Jazz: I am Mrs. Willy Wonka now.

Authoress: J.B. Wonka? M'kay.

Erik: What the hell are you people talking about?

Authoress: _(throws a bucket of popcorn at him)_ Profanity!

Erik: Ow.

Raoul: Excuse me, Miss Authoress? Shouldn't we do more of this show?

Authoress: No... It's intermission. We just be retarded for fifteen minutes.

Erik: Where are all the girls?

Authoress: Huh?

_(They look around to find that all the female members of the cast of POTO have apparently disappeared.)_

Authoress: Oh! It's intermission! They're probably all lined up outside the bathroom.

Male Characters: Ohhh...

Erik: _(pointing to Bahorel)_ That doesn't explain why he's here.

nebulia: HEY! You mess with Bahorel, you mess with me, understand?

Erik: _(sarcastically)_ Wow, I'm terrified.

Authoress: Erik, ya moron, you don't mess with LM fans. They crazy!

Erik: _(glaring at her)_ I've noticed.

Authoress: _(joins J.B. Wonka in singing the annoying Willy Wonka song)_

Erik: I shall commit suicide.

Raoul: I actually agree with the Phantom on this one...

_(The Authoress fails to hear him.)_

Authoress: Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop! You big fat greedy nincompoop!

J.B. Jazz: Listen close and listen hard concerning Violet Beauregarde!

Authoress: But you know what's weird? Willy Wonka, and he kinda looks like Michael Jackson, and he says to the kid, "Little boy! Come and live in my magical chocolate factory! But don't bring your parents!" and it's the same kid who was in Finding _Neverland_ with him... _(does a crazy Willy Wonka laugh)_

No one: _(understands)_

Authoress: Yeah... taffy-puller...

Bahorel: This is ridiculous. I'm going to the bathroom.

Erik: _(muttering)_ Told you so.

nebulia: _(throws a bucket of popcorn at him)_

Erik: Ow!

_(The Authoress and J.B. Wonka are now doing some sort of elaborate dance routine with a man in a top hat and burgundy coat.)_

Authoress: Now everybody join in! I'm serious!

_(Edward Scissorhands, Toby, Pirelli, and Boq come over and start awkwardly dancing along.)_

Authoress: Anyone who doesn't dance with us gets to sing 'On My Own.'

_(Erik, Montparnasse, Firmin, André, Buquet, and Raoul run over and dance as well.)_

Authoress and J.B Wonka: Veruca Salt! The little brute! Has just gone down the garbage chute! And she will meet as she descends a rather different set of friends...

_(Erik sneaks away.)_

Erik: This is ridiculous.

TheSanityStealingPenguinQueen: Yay! Erik gets to sing On My Own!

Erik: What? No, not unless the crazy Authoress sees me. Hey, who's the guy in the top hat who looks a lot like the guy with the scissors?

Aislin of the Shadows: Um... it's probably Willy Wonka.

Erik: Why's he dancing like that? Wiggling his arms and bobbing his head?

TheSanityStealingPenguinQueen: Because he's crazy.

Erik: Like the Authoress...

Authoress: Has anybody seen Erik?

Erik: Oh crap! _(He dashes back over to join the dancing.)_

Authoress: Ah! There he is. Ahem. _(looking at the reader)_ Good morning, starshine! The earth says 'hello'!"

Everyone: ...

Authoress: _(pulling a little card out of her pocket and reading it)_ Good readers of The New Production... Now that you have had a glimpse of the insanity of intermission, I shall draw the curtain for you. For the next... _(flipping the card over)_ ...week I shall be at my summer camp. I will be home on Sunday, and I hope to be able to update with the beginning of Act II at that time. Until then, I recommend that you make a trip to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, starring Johnny Depp and that kid from Finding Neverland. Regards, LesMisLoony.

_(She goes back to dancing with the others.)_


	26. At The Barricade

A/N- This chapter may contain spoilers on the newest Harry Potter book, which I have just finished reading. I was not allowed to read it at camp, and so I got it Saturday morning and finished it about ten minutes ago... I seriously cried through the last four chapters. I don't think I gave anything dramatic away... but I might have... sorta... basically, read at your own risk.

* * *

_(The dance has ended, and the Authoress is sitting in a chair, glaring at a thick green book.)_

Raoul: I don't think this is good...

Erik: At least we aren't dancing anymore.

Raoul: But she looks like she's going to explode. Last time she was like this was during that whole Flu-

Montparnasse: SHUTUP, HALF-WIT!

Authoress: Half... blood...? _(she bursts into tears)_ How could you do this, J.K. Rowling? How could you do this to me and all these other readers? WHYYYY!

Montparnasse: All right, who's this J.K. Rowling jerk?

Authoress: She... she...

Montparnasse: She?

Authoress: KILLED HIM!

Erik: _(perking up)_ Killed?

Authoress: SNAPE! I LOVED YOU SO MUCH! I LOVED YOU AND I LOVED GALAXY QUEST WITH THE CRAZY PURPLE HEAD! AND I LOVED THAT SCENE IN THE THIRD MOVIE THAT I HATE WHERE YOU PROTECT THE KIDS FROM THE GOLLUMWOLF!

_(The newcomer in the top hat wanders over.)_

Willy Wonka: What's wrong, little girl?

Authoress: HE DIIIIIED!

_(Without warning, she grabs the green book and throws it at the wall, then shouts something, runs over, picks it up, and begins stroking it.)_

Authoress: I did not mean to hurt you, you poor, poor Dumbledore! You and Hagrid, my favourite characters, and Malfoy and Snape too... and Malfoy's dad... AHH! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE THIS BOOK!

Erik: And yet you seem to be hugging it tightly enough.

Authoress: Shut up! Go do the next scene or something!

Raoul: Will it make you happy?

Authoress: I doubt it seriously.

Raoul: Then what will?

Authoress: If she would take it back... bring him back... or something. WHO'S NEXT, YOU CRAZY WOMAN? WILL YOU KILL HAGRID? HOW ABOUT RON AND HERMIONE? IS ANYONE SAFE FROM YOUR EVILS?

Erik: That's it, she's seriously lost it.

Raoul: Let's just hurry up and do the next scene.

Erik: What _is_ the next scene?

Raoul: I dunno, check the libretto.

_(Erik pulls a little black booklet out of his pocket and flips through the pages.)_

Erik: Let's see... did that... did that... and that one... One Day More... Intermission... Ah, here we are.

Christine: _(to Meg)_ It's surprising, but it almost seems they are getting along...

Meg: Do you think they've banded together against the insanity of the Authoress?

Christine: I doubt it... Raoul still thinks she's very nice.

_(The Authoress has produced a piano and is playing a rather depressing song about emptiness and dead friends.)_

Erik: Look, you lunatic, we can't very well do the next bit with you wailing about your empty chairs and tables, now can we?

Authoress: Oh... I'm sorry. I'll just sit here and cry alone.

Erik: Good.

Toby: Please miss, please suh, she ain't alone. Ah'll stay he-uh. And the oth-uh chaps.

Boq: Even though you blatantly ripped me away from Galinda...

Pirelli: I, Adolfo Pirelli, da king of da barbers, da barber of kings... I shall-a stay here and help-a da sadness!

Willy Wonka: Don't worry, little girl, Edward Scissorhands and I will be here too!

Edward Scissorhands: _(nods gravely)_

Montparnasse: Don't crowd, idiots. Maybe she wants to be alone.

Authoress: S'okay, 'Parnasse... I wouldn't have brought them here if I didn't love them.

Erik: Excuse me! Enough of the lovefest, me and the fop are doing a show!

_(Everyone holds their breath and watches Raoul, waiting for the inevitable panic. However, he remains calm.)_

Raoul: Yeah... me and the living corpse wanna get it over with.

Christine: _(whispering to Meg and baby Lotte)_ This is so unlikely...

Authoress: Okay, do your show then.

_(Maraoul and all of the barricade boys... that is, Erik... and Gavroche... Erik... and Christonine and Bahorel as Javert gather on the stage.)_

Erik:

**Here upon these stones**

**We will build our barricade!**

**In the heart of the city**

**We claim as our own!**

**Each man to his duty,**

**And don't be afraid...**

**WAIT!**

**I will need a report**

**On the strength of the foe!**

_(Bahorel, as Javert, as a spy, steps forth.)_

Bahorel:

**I can find out the truth!**

**I know their ways!**

**Fought their wars!**

**Served my time**

**In the days of my youth!**

Erik:

**Now the people will fight!**

Erik:

**And so they might!**

**Dogs will bark!**

**Fleas will bite!**

Erik:

**They will do what is right!**

Raoul: _(as Christonine wanders in, disguised as a boy)_

**Hey little boy, what's this I see?**

**God, Éponine, the things you do!**

Christine:

**I know this is no place for me**

**Still I would rather be with you.**

Raoul:

**Get out before the trouble starts!**

**Get out, 'Ponine, you might get shot!**

Christine:

**I've got you worried, now I have!**

**That shows you like me quite a lot!**

Raoul:

**There is a way that you can help!**

**You are the answer to a prayer!**

**Please take this letter to Cosette**

**And pray to God that she's still there!**

Christine: _(leaving him, with the letter in her hand)_

**Little you know...**

**Little you care...**

_(The stage turns, taking the revolutionaries... that is, Erik... offstage. The gate to the Rue Plumet comes into view and Christonine is stopped by Valjean... that is, Erik.)_

Christine:

**I have a letter, m'sieur**

**It's addressed to your daughter, Cosette.**

**It's from a boy in the barricade, sir,**

**In the rue de Villette**

Erik:

**Give me that letter here, my boy.**

Christine:

**He said to give it to Cosette.**

Erik:

**You have my word that my daughter will know**

**What this letter contains.**

**Tell the young man she will read it tomorrow**

**And here's for your pains.**

_(He hands her money)_

**Go careful now, stay out of sight!**

**There's danger in the streets tonight! **I would like to point out, by the way, that this man Val-Jim's word isn't very good.

Authoress: And why would you say such a thing to one already in mourning?

Erik: Well, didn't he give the cop his word he'd come back in three days? And then he just now gave her his word that he'd give the letter to Cosette. Has either of these happened? Because I think it's been more like nine years since he punched out the cop, and the stage directions are now telling me to read this letter, which means I'm not giving it to Carlette.

Authoress: I am in no mood to argue with you today. If you valued your liver, you'd shut up now and continue to sing.

Willy Wonka: Or you could visit with some of my trained squirrels.

Authoress: Now there's an idea.

Erik: Okay, okay, whatever. _(he opens the letter and reads it)_

**Dearest Cosette,**

**You have entered my soul **

**And soon you will be gone.**

**Can it be only a day since we met**

**And the world was reborn?**

**If I should fall in the battle to come**

**Let this be my goodbye!**

**Now that I know that you love me as well**

**It is harder to die!**

**I pray that God will bring me home to be with you!**

**Pray for your Marius,**

**He prays for you! **So he writes in rhyme?

Authoress: I'm pulling the curtain here, and I wish to say that you'll be lucky if I don't throw this book at your face before my next update.


	27. On My Own

A/N- Sorry the update took a while... but guess what! I went to Virginia to see Rob Marnell again! This time in Spitfire Grill! Yay-ness. And I've seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory seven times, tying my record with the POTO film. Whee! Oh, and after watching Benny & Joon, I've considered and decided that I am, indeed, a Johnny Depp fangirl. Oh well, there goes my individuality. Another thing: concerning my chapter on Harry Potter, I never said that Snape died. In fact, I don't believe I told you who _did _die. And I clearly put a disclaimer at the beginning that said to read at your own risk, so complaining about that to me is like telling Campbell's you want to sue them because their soup burned you after you heated it too long.

* * *

Authoress: Ah... the long-awaited and much-anticipated On My Own... So much pressure! _(She pulls out a long piece of parchment, which unrolls and touches the floor.) _So many suggestions... Have the chandelier sing it, have the barricade sing it... Of course, Erik sang I Dreamed A Dream and Carlotta sang Oo Am I... Montparnasse and a monkey sang Stars... and Bahorel, I think... those ideas are taken... the phangirls sang parts of One Day More... What to do?

Boq: Before you decide what to do, can you explain something?

Authoress: Sure, sup?

Boq: What?

Authoress: What's up? What's the matter?

Boq: Oh. Well, him, really.

Authoress: Who?

_(Boq points to the other end of the room, where Montparnasse is talking to yet another new guy.)_

Erik: Oh dear, there's still more.

Authoress: Heck yes! Notice all the Johnny Depps in here.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hullo.

Sam: Hello.

Edward Scissorhands: Hi.

Willy Wonka: Good morning, starshine!

Mort Rainey: Yeah, what?

Gilbert Grape: Hey.

James Barrie: H'llo there.

Erik: That's just annoying.

Boq: But I don't have an issue with those men who all look startlingly alike. I have an issue with _him!_

Authoress: What's wrong with Warren? He's the hotness!

Boq: Yes, I know. He set fire to my wallet-sized portrait of Galinda.

Authoress: And what did you do to deserve that?

Boq: Nothing!

Authoress: Uh-huh.

Boq: No really! It wasn't my fault! I was walking along and looking at the picture and I tripped over this book that someone left in the aisle! My portrait of Galinda goes up in the air, and comes down on that person's head! And then... his arms caught fire! And the picture was... gone...

Authoress: Well, you should have looked where you were going, geez. Warren gets mad easy. But he's still hot. Seriously. And I mean hot in the face.

Boq: But _why?_

Authoress: Because he reminds me of Montparnasse.

Boq: When did you decide you needed both him and the murderer in the same place?

Authoress: Um... the second time I saw Sky High. Which, by the way, is a pretty good film. Especially if you think Warren Peace is the hotness. Which he is.

Carlotta: She's mad!

Authoress: Let's see... dude, my entire Magical List of Lovers came in since the last chapter! Look! Arthur Dimmsdale... Montparnasse... Warren Peace... Willy Wonka... Edward Scissorhands... Jack Sparrow-

Jack: _Captain _Jack Sparrow... if ye please.

Authoress: Sorry, mate. Captain Jack Sparrow, Sam from Benny & Joon, Sir James Barrie, Mort Rainey, Gilbert Grape, Toby Ragg, Adolfo Pirelli, Boq, and... Wow! When did Fiyero get here?

Fiyero: Hey there.

Authoress: This is fun!

Erik: Yes, fun for you.

Raoul: And her. _(He points to J.B. Jazz, who is drooling all over the Depps. Except not literally.)_

Erik: But everyone else is bored!

Authoress: Oh, right. On My Own... I was really trying to put it off. Y'see, I don't know what I'm going to do for it.

Erik: Just let Christine sing it. It's her song, isn't it?

Authoress: Yes, but that's boring! I've luckily stumbled across amusing things for the other big songs... you, Carlotta, a monkey... And now everyone thinks I'm actually funny! And they're going to expect hilarity in this chapter! And there's so much pressure... I'm cracking like an egg! GAH!

Raoul: An egg?

Erik: Yes, an egg, fop.

Raoul: Erik! I think we've discussed this.

Erik: Oh, shut up, Raoul.

Christine: _(to Meg)_ And now they're on a first-name basis?

Meg: Something's fishy.

_(Several of the Depps approach the Authoress.)_

Willy Wonka: Hey, little girl? We couldn't help overhearing your little dilemma. We kinda wanna help. Kay?

Authoress: What? Why?

Edward Scissorhands: I'm not finished.

Mort Rainey: Oh, shut up. She knows that already.

Meg: _(to Christine)_ What that is, is poor characterization. Notice the one with the scissors doesn't say much, and what he does is straight from the film. She's made the blond one with the glasses pretty one-sided as well. In fact, the only ones in character are the pale one with blue eyes and the tan one with beads in his hair.

Christine: She's probably seen those movies far more often than she has the others.

Meg: Very likely.

Christine: When you think about it, we're all very out of character as well.

Meg: An interesting point. But it's not really a big deal, because in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical we're all terribly out of character from the Leroux book, and in the Kay book we're terribly out of character from the Leroux book as well, from what I've heard.

Christine: Oh my! It sounds like our characters have received a good flogging over the years, doesn't it?

Lotte: _(makes baby noise of assertion, proving that the Authoress has not forgotten her existence)_

_(J.B. Jazz pokes the Authoress.)_

J.B. Jazz: Remember when we said we wanted to hear Johnny Depp sing, even if his voice sucked?

Authoress: Yeah... That was the day we watched the screen tests for Benny & Joon, wasn't it? The day we just watched Johnny Depp make faces at the camera for more than half an hour?

J.B. Jazz: Yeah, well... sleep deprivation.

Authoress: Right.

J.B. Jazz: Well, basically, I think these Johnnys here want to sing On My Own.

Authoress: You're kidding!

J.B. Jazz: Nope.

Authoress: Okay then!

Raoul: No egg-cracking?

Authoress: Nope! This'll work!

Erik: But it's not one of us singing!

Authoress: Don't care. Everyone who suspiciously has the same face, go onstage!

_(The Depps comply.)_

Authoress: Bahorel, pass out the hats.

_(All of the Depps are given Éponine hats.)_

Sam: Um...

Willy Wonka: Ew.

_(In an attempt to put it on his head, Edward slices the hat to shreds and looks sadly up at the others.)_

Authoress: Seriously, I think it looks good on you. All of you, I mean... Well, maybe not on Willy Wonka... or Edward Scissorhands... Ick... I'd hate to see what you'd do to the trenchcoat.

_(Another one wanders in.)_

Tom: Hey... who're these guys?

Authoress: Hurray! It's Tom Hanson from 21 Jump Street! Ooh, line up and put on a 'Ponine hat!

Tom: Um...

Authoress: John Christopher Depp II! That's just fun to say. Hey, he has a sister named Debbie Depp. Say that ten times, really. And did you know he was allergic to chocolate when he was a child? I bet it made his nose itch... Okay, the Johnny Depp Chorus! Eight men who all look startlingly alike in their rendition of... On My Own.

Edward Scissorhands:

**And now I'm all alone again**

**Nowhere to turn, no one to go to**

Gilbert Grape:

**Without a home, without a friend**

**Without a face to say "hello" to**

I know a boy whose name is Arnie

He's gonna turn eighteen and have a big party

Authoress: Good for him. Wrong song, though. But I love that rhyme. Arnie and party...

Mort Rainey:

**And now the night is near**

**Now I can make believe he's here...**

**Sometimes I walk alone at night**

**When everybody else **including my ex-wife and dog **is sleeping**

**I think of... him... and then I'm happy**

**With the company I'm keeping**

**The city goes to bed**

**And I can live inside... my head.**

Authoress: Weird how this works for schizophrenic killers as well as lovesick whiny teenage girls.

Tom Hanson:

**On my own,**

**Pretending he's beside me**

**All alone**

**I walk with him till morning**

**Without him**

**I feel his arms around me**

**And when I lose my way**

**I close my eyes and he has found me...**

Authoress: That's either gay or referring to his dad.

Tom: My dad.

Authoress: Phew.

Jack Sparrow:

**In the rain**

**The **ocean** shines like silver**

**All the **undead pirates

**Are **skeletal **in the **moonlight

James Barrie:

**In the darkness**

**The trees are full of starlight!**

**And all I see is **Peter Pan** and me forever and forever**

Mort Rainey:

**And I know it's only in my mind**

**That I'm talking to myself**

**And not to him**

Sam:

**And although **

**I know that **her brother** is blind**

**Still I say there's a way for us!**

**I love **her

Ichabod Crane:

**But when the night is over**

**He is gone**

**The river's just a river**

**Without him**

**The world around me changes**

**The trees are bare **and filled with decapitated heads

**And everywhere**

**The streets are full of strangers**

Authoress: Gasp! Another Johnny Depp!

**I love him!**

Mort Rainey:

**But everyday I'm learning**

**All my life**

**I've only been pretending**

**Without me**

**His world would go on turning**

**A world that's full of happiness**

**That I have never known!**

J.B. Jazz and the Authoress:

**I love him**

**I love him**

**I love him**

**But only on my own**

Jack Sparrow:

AND REALLY BAD EGGS!


	28. Little People and Other Stuff

(The Authoress is skipping around in circles before she simply falls over.)

Raoul: She used to be that happy when I was around.

Erik: Lunatic...

Raoul: Who, me?

Erik: No, her.

Raoul: Ah.

(The Authoress jumps to her feet and waves her hands in their faces.)

Authoress: LOOK! I drew little spots all over them just like in Sleepy Hollow! Muaha! Katrina... like the hurricane... she's evil! She kills people in Louisiana and steals Johnny away!

Ichabod Crane: Katrina?

Authoress: No.

Ichabod Crane: Blast.

Boq: Authoress...?

Authoress: Yes, dear?

Boq: Can I make another complaint?

Authoress: I hope not against Warren again.

Boq: No... there's another one.

Authoress: Another Depp?

Boq: No.

Authoress: Ooh, wonder who it is!

(Boq points to a... um... man?... who is in conversation with a new Depp that is in black and white.)

Authoress: Is that Ed Wood? How'd he get here? I haven't even seen that movie yet!

Boq: Which?

Authoress: The gray one.

Boq: I'm not concerned about him.

(At this point the man? turns and we see his face.)

Authoress: AHH! IT'S FRANK FURTER!

Erik: Holy sh... cow! I thought _I_ haunted people's dreams!

Raoul: Frankfurters?

(Edward Scissorhands sees the newcomer and immediately begins shuffling off in the other direction.)

Authoress: Huh. I didn't know I liked him that much...

Raoul: Like a hot dog? Hot dogs are good.

Christine: _(aside, to Meg)_ Weren't these people all coming in through a door that led into the Authoress's imagination?

Meg: They were a while back... Hey, I'm reading this book by Gaston Leroux, and look! We aren't even friends! I just called you a carrion crow!

Christine: Let me see that! "Buquet was a serious, sober, steady man, very slow at imagining things." No kidding...

Buquet: Hey, did I hear my name?

Christine: Well, it was your _name_...

(Meanwhile...)

Authoress: Frank Furter and Ed Wood! I just saw the movie!

Raoul: That was fast...

Authoress: Kind of bored me, but Johnny did this! _(She raises her eyebrows, smiles, and shakes her head back and forth.)_

Ed Wood: _(pointing to Montparnasse) _This fella here tells me you're directing a musical. I'm a movie man, m'self, but I thought I could help you out a bit.

Authoress: Uh... no.

Ed Wood: Why not?

Authoress: I want my show to be... um... not... terrible.

Erik: Too late.

Authoress: Oh, good point! Okay, sure, you can help.

Ed Wood: Gee, thanks! You won't regret it! I need to do one thing, though, before I start.

Authoress: Good, go.

Tom Hanson: Yo, when can we get outta here? Tonight's my bowling night.

Authoress: Despite my obsessive love for you, my dear Depps, I want you to know that you're sorta... er... holding back the show.

Captain Jack Sparrow: July 7th, mates!

Authoress: I know, I'm excited.

Gilbert Grape: Why're you excited?

Authoress: Pirates 2. But anyway, I really must ask some of you guys to stop slowing down my phic.

Ichabod Crane: _(eyeing Frank Furter, Edward Scissorhands, and Erik nervously) _Then I shall leave you.

Authoress: Well... I'd kinda rather the Depps stay, now that I think about it. They're pretty to look at. So I'm kicking the others out.

nebulia: Not Bahorel, though!

Authoress: No, no, I mean the more recent additions. Boq, Fiyero, Warren Peace, Arthur Dimmsdale, and Frank Furter hafta go.

Frank Furter: Alas! I'd only just arrived.

Authoress: But you're scaring Icky.

Erik: Icky?

Authoress: Ichabod. I'd spell it Ichy, but people would probably read it as Itchy and ruin the fun.

Tom Hanson: But Fuller and the magically-restored-to-life Jenko are expecting me to be down at the chapel!

Authoress: Too bad. Hey, do the McQuaid brothers—HEH!

Tom Hanson: No way! I'm not a variety show, kid.

Ichabod Crane: _(still eyeing the others)_ Um, really, I've got to run!

Madame Giry: Yes! Run... and jump... and SKIP!

Ichabod Crane: Dear Lord... _(makes a comical face and passes out)_

Authoress: Oh, how I love him.

Erik: This is absolute chaos! What about the stupid show?

Authoress: I just kinda like looking at the Depps...

Raoul: _(sulkily)_ No kidding.

Christine: Darling... you're not... _jealous_... are you?

Willy Wonka: 'Course he is.

Erik: THE SHOW!

Authoress: Oh, and I want the Sweeney Todd characters to leave too. Sorry, Toby...

Carlotta: No! Dis man-a 'ere, dis-a barber, I will not let 'eem leave.

Authoress: Okay, then, just Toby, I guess.

Toby: Me, mum? Bu' Ah'm Thénardier.

Authoress: Okay, okay, I'll let you stay cos you're adorable.

Erik: WHAT ABOUT THE STUPID SHOW? I WANT OUT OF HERE!

Authoress: What? Oh... right... Where were we? The barricade stuff! Right. Erik, that's you. And Raoul.

(Erik and Raoul go onstage, standing near a big neat barricade set that used to be the junky town set.)

Erik and Raoul:

**Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade.**

Raoul:

**Let them come in their legions and they will be met!**

Erik:

**Have faith in yourselves and don't be afraid!**

(He runs over and grabs the bottle)

Let's give them a screwing 

**They'll never forget!**

(Dropping the bottle and getting to his feet)

This is where it begins! And if I should die in the fight to be free 

**Where the fighting is hardest**

**There will I be!**

Let them come if they dare! We'll be there! 

(The Authoress hands Willy Wonka the loudhailer.)

Willy:

**Hey, little boys?** Listen to this! 

(Mort Rainey stomps over.)

Mort: Gimme that!

No one is coming to help you to fight! You're on your own! 

**You have no friends!**

(Tom Hanson takes the loudhailer.)

Tom:

Give up your guns- 

Mort:

Or die! 

Erik:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies! 

**They will see the people rise!**

Erik and Raoul:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies! 

**They will see the people rise!**

(Bahorel enters in Javert garb.)

Bahorel:

Listen, my friends 

**I have done as I said!**

**I have been to their **homes

**I have **watered **their **plants!

I will tell what I can! 

(Several characters look questioningly at the Authoress.)

Authoress: I just think that's funny. Someone actually did that once, you know. Or at least, they said they did. I dunno. Onward!

Bahorel:

Better be warned 

**They have armies to spare**

**And the danger is real**

**We will need all our cunning**

**To bring them to heel**

Erik:

Have faith! 

**If you know what their movements are**

**We'll spoil their game!**

**There are ways**

**That a people can fight**

**We shall overcome their power!**

Bahorel:

I have overheard their plan! 

**There will be no attack tonight**

**They intend to starve us out**

**Before they start a proper fight**

**Concentrate their force**

**Hit us from... the right.**

(Erik sheds the vest and pulls on the Gavroche hat.)

Erik:

Liar! 

**Good evenin' dear Inspector,**

**Lovely evenin' my dear!**

**I know this man, m' friends,**

**His name's Inspector Javert!**

**So don't believe a word he says**

'**Cos none of it's true!**

This only goes t' show 

**Wot li'l people can do!**

**An' li'l people know**

**When li'l people fight!**

**We may look easy pickins**

**But we got some bite!**

**So never kick a dog**

**Because 'e's jus' a pup!**

**We'll fight like twen'y armies**

**An' we won' give up!**

**So you betta run for cover**

**When the pup grows up!**

Authoress: Should we continue?

Erik: Oh, let's.

Authoress: Yay go!

Erik: _(getting that wine bottle of Grantaire-ness)_

**Brav**i, bravi, bravissimi **little Gavroche**

**You're the top of the class!**

(Dropping the bottle and picking up a pen and a sonnet)

So what're we going to do 

**With this snake in the grass?**

(Pulling on the Vest again)

Tie this man and take him 

**To the tavern in there**

**The people will decide your fate**

**Inspector Javert!**

(Without the vest of Enjy-ness)

Take the bastard now and shoot him! 

(Picking up a fan of Feuilly-dom)

**Let us watch this devil dance!**

(Breaking a mirror and walking under a ladder as Laigle... or is it Lesgles?)

**You'd have done the same, Inspector**

**If we'd let you have your chance!**

Bahorel:

Shoot me now or shoot me later 

**Every schoolboy to his sport!**

**Death to each and every traitor**

**I renounce your people's court!**

Erik:

Though we may not all survive here 

**There are things that never die**

(With the bottle)

**What's the difference **

**Die a schoolboy**

**Die a policeman**

**Die a spy?**

(With the Vest)

Take this man 

**Bring him through**

**There is work we have to do!**

Authoress: And NOW we stop.

(Ed Wood enters in a light gray wig, a gray angora sweater, a gray skirt, and black pumps. Don't forget he's in black and white.)

Ed Wood: I'm ready to help with the film now!

(Ichabod Crane passes out again, Edward Scissorhands shuffles away quickly, Tom Hanson starts to reach for his gun, Gilbert Grape looks away, Mort Rainey leaves in search of a black hat and a screwdriver, Willy Wonka and Sam follow Edward, James Barrie pulls out a headdress and wooden duck, and Jack Sparrow raises his eyebrows and takes a step closer.)

(Another Depp enters, wearing a cloak, hat, and cute little Zorro mask.)

Authoress: Hurray!

Erik: What? Isn't that my Point of No Return costume?

Authoress: _(throws a book at him)_

New Depp: _(in an uber-sexy Spanish accent)_ Ah! I know hwhat hwould make thees man seh-cure in his manhood.

Ed Wood: I really like gals, I really do. But my mom always wanted a girl, and when I was born she dressed me-

New Depp: I am Don Juan, te greatest lover ov all time.

Ed Wood: And...?

Don Juan: Come with me, ant I will teach you how to love a hwoman.

Ed Wood: But I _do_ love women!

Authoress: Go with him, Ed! This is kinda funny.

Erik: And sick.

Authoress: Oh shut up. You know you're in love with Raoul.

Erik: WHAT?

Authoress: I wrote a whole ficlet about it. Yes, it's called Emotions.

_(And the update ends with shameless advertising on behalf of the Authoress.)_


	29. A Little Bit of Pain

_(Raoul works his way through a crowd of Depps and taps the Authoress politely on the shoulder.)_

Raoul: Um... Miss Authoress? Excuse me...

Authoress: Yo.

Raoul: Well... I just thought you should know... it's kinda hard to... move... in here. There are a lot of these new guys.

Authoress: Seriously, icklekins, there're only sixteen.

Raoul: Which is a lot. Not to mention Carlotta's new Italian and the little one who's in the show now.

Authoress: Toby?

Raoul: Yeah, him. And... I'm a little concerned about the guy over there... _(he points at a Depp)_

Authoress: You mean the one who stole your hair? Your pretty Patrick Wilson hair?

Raoul: Um... sure. That one gave Erik some stuff and then Erik starting laughing a lot and kind of... acting weird.

Authoress: Normally, since it's Erik, I wouldn't be very concerned that he was acting weird, but considering that's George Jung, famous drug lord... well, I'm a little concerned.

Raoul: Famous what?

Authoress: You've heard of... say... opium, yes?

Raoul: Er... I know it's something bad...

Authoress: Yeah, it is. _(She hurries over to George Jung and Erik.)_ Oy! Yeah, you, George! I don't care if you alternate between Patrick Wilson and Javert hair throughout the movie, I demand you leave.

George Jung: What? I have a visitor.

Authoress: Yeah, I know ya do. Don't sell him that stuff, okay? Go on, get out!

_(George Jung vanishes.)_

Erik: Dude... that dude, like, totally disappeared! _(laughs stupidly)_

Authoress: I'll bet those fangirls never thought they'd see Erik stoned...

Susan Kay readers: _(disagree)_

Authoress: Boo to Susan Kay... that Raoul-killer.

Raoul: What?

Authoress: Don't worry about it.

Raoul: Okay...

_(Erik is now thrusting the score of Don Juan Triumphant into Don Juan de Marco's face. The latter does not seem to be too pleased about this turn of events. Ed Wood has, it seems, disappeared.)_

Authoress: Okay, who's confused? You know what I think we need?

POTO Characters: _(somewhat reluctantly)_ What?

Authoress: A Johnny D role call! I'm gonna do it, just to un-confuse myself. So... we'll go in order, ey? Tom Hanson?

Tom: Look, can I go now? You already made me miss my bowling date with Amy!

Authoress: Haha, your girlfriend's gonna die.

Tom: What?

Authoress: Next... Edward Scissorhands?

Edward: I'm here.

Authoress: You should see my Halloween costume, Edward. It's you, but there's definitely something wrong with the hair. It's like, Cats hair or something. See, I bought this mullet wig and cut it and doused it with mousse and hairspray to make it stick up...

_(Edward looks profoundly confused.)_

Authoress: Never mind, dear. Sam?

Sam: Hello.

Authoress: Great. I need to buy Benny & Joon, you know. Gilbert Grape? Look, all the sensitive quiet guys in a row!

Gilbert: Hi.

Authoress: Good. Ed Wood? Oh, right, he disappeared. No big loss, really. That's my second least favourite of all the Johnny movies I've seen. Don Juan?

Don Juan: I am heere.

Authoress: Yes you are, oh sexy Zorro Depp. Um... Spencer Armacost? Oh my God, get out.

_(There is a poof in the corner; Spencer Armacost has clearly disappeared.)_

Authoress: Whoo, okay. I'm scared to death of him. Icky Crane?

Ichabod: Present.

Authoress: Mm, yay. Roux?

Roux: Heya.

Authoress: What a boring character you are, m'dear. Let's see... I already kicked George Jung out for... well. So next is... Jack Sparrow!

Jack: Captain, if ye please!

Authoress: I think we may have already had this discussion. Sands?

_(The Depp with sunglasses and blood streaked across his cheeks steps forward, but a roadrunner-esque blur whizzes past and he is gone.)_

Authoress: Okay, I'm gonna assume that was H. Sibelius... you can have him, dear. That's my least favourite of all his movies I've seen. Mort Rainey?

Mort: What now?

Authoress: There you are, psycho Johnny number two. Sir James Barrie?

Carlotta: Madame Aut'oress, dis ees de one 'oo 'ad de crazy acceent?

_(Everyone marvels at the deterioration of Carlotta's own accent, which managed to somehow combine Spanish, French, and Italian all into one sentence.)_

Authoress: Yup.

Carlotta: Ah, 'ee was boreeing-a my Pirelli to deat', and I 'af keeled heem.

Authoress: Okay... fine. Willy Wonka?

Willy: Ah, here.

Authoress: Sweet. And Victor Van Dort?

Victor: Why am I here?

Authoress: Because you're so cute.

Willy Wonka: Hey, little girl?

Authoress: Yeah?

Willy: Uh, he doesn't... look like us.

Authoress: I know. He's made of clay.

_(The other Depps look intrigued by this. Sam pokes Victor.)_

Sam: I... I left a mark.

Mort: What? Oh, look, you put a little dent in him!

_(Edward reaches out and pokes Victor's arm. Victor screams as the arm is lopped off and falls to the ground.)_

Bahorel: Isn't that the second arm that's been detached during this story?

Authoress: It may well be. But, look, you can just stick it back on. _(She does this.)_

Mort: I think I'm gonna like this guy.

Authoress: You know what I'd like? To actually finish this God and Authoress-forsaken story. Where were we? I don't even remember. Let's see... Oh, look! We're all the way up to A Little Fall of Rain. Do you know how many reviewers have asked to do this song? Many said they'd do it if Erik were Marius, although it's clear that Raoul is Marius. Plus, a lot of them have stopped reading because of my terrible belated updates.

Raoul: Um... do you mind if my daughter does it?

Authoress: Does what? Éponine?

Raoul: I want her to be an actress like her mother.

Authoress: A tenor and a soprano got together and had an alto baby? A baby who can sing Les Misérables music?

Raoul: Well... um. She's not a baby anymore. Consider how long it's been since your last update...

Authoress: Couple of months, why?

Raoul: My daughter... she's sixteen now.

Authoress: Sweet, we're the same age! Hey, how come you guys don't get any older? Wait... Raoul, buddy, you're asking your daughter to perform opposite you in a love song. Well, it's not really a love song, if you consider that Marius doesn't love 'Ponine... but still, that's kind of creepy. Where is your daughter?

Raoul: She, Christine, and Meg went to a play on floor forty-six.

Authoress: Forty-six? That's my Rob Marnell floor. They must be at West Side Story. Sweet.

Raoul: Maybe Erik could play my part.

Authoress: Haha, you're so funny, seriously... no.

Raoul: I don't want to do it.

Authoress: I'm sure you don't. But you're gonna have to, pal.

_(Raoul starts to pout.)_

Authoress: Quit.

Raoul: But if Christine isn't here I don't wanna do it!

_(The Authoress raises an eyebrow and turns to the Depps.)_

_(Several readers groan.)_

Authoress: You can't tell me it won't be fun to see Edward Scissorhands cradle Victor Van Dort as the latter dies of a gunshot wound and they sing a love song!

ElfLover: Well, it would be fun... to _see_ it. But this is a fic, remember? You're writing a script, really.

Authoress: Augh, blast. Well, in absence of Christine I could always use... Erik! Muahahaha! Muaha... um... Raoul...? Shouldn't you be screaming in terror now?

Raoul: Why?

Authoress: You hate Erik, remember?

Raoul: I do? Oh, shit. I mean, OH NO PLEASE DON'T!

_(The Authoress stares at him with big watery cartoon eyes.)_

Raoul: What?

Authoress: You swore!

Raoul: What?

Authoress: You _swore_! You said curse word and you swore and you're Raoul!

Raoul: Um... no I didn't!

Authoress: Yes you did!

Raoul: NO I DID NOT.

Authoress: _(blankly)_ You didn't what?

Raoul: There we go.

_(He turns. The other POTO characters and all the Depps are watching him suspiciously.)_

Raoul: What?

Authoress: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we make... Raoul and _Erik_ do A Little Fall of Rain? Christine's not here! Muahahaha!

Raoul: What, Erik? NO! I can't sing a love song with _Erik!_

Authoress: Look on the bright side, icklekins, he'll have to die at the end.

Buquet: Um... what about me? And Madame Giry, Meg, Christine, Carlotta... where are André and Firmin?

Authoress: Egad, I haven't seen them in ages? I dunno, let's just get through this song.

Raoul: We couldn't wait until Christine comes back?

Authoress: Nope. Do it.

Raoul: _(sighing)_ If I must.

Erik: Um... don't I get a say in this?

Authoress: Nope.

Erik: Gee, darn.

_(Raoul elbows him.)_

Erik: I mean, Gah, I hate the fop!

Authoress: Okay, go. Don Juan can be Joly.

Don Juan de Marco: Hwhat?

Authoress: Just go.

_(Don Juan climbs to the top of the barricade. There is a gunshot.)_

Don Juan:

**Dere's a boy climbing te barrhicate!**

_(Erik, wearing trenchcoat and Hat, appears and Don Juan helps him over the top. Raoul comes forward and helps him down.)_

Raoul:

**Good God, what are you doing?**

'**Ponine, have you no fear?**

**Have you seen my beloved?**

**Why have you come back here?**

Erik: _(disjointedly)_

**Took the letter... like you said**

**Met her father at the door**

**He said... he would give it...**

_(collapsing into Raoul's arms)_

**Don't think I can stand anymore.**

_(Raoul shows little or no discomfort. The Authoress looks upset.)_

Authoress: Stop! Okay, that's it. Raoul, you're out. Carlotta, you're in.

Carlotta: But-a Pirelli...

Pirelli: Dat-a ees okay, mia cara. Continue wit-a de play! Eet-a must-a go on, after all-a.

Authoress: Listen to the barber, dude.

_(Carlotta rolls her eyes and slouches over to the stage, sitting on the floor. Erik falls into her arms and she shudders in disgust.)_

Authoress: Much better!

Carlotta:

**Ey-ponine-a, what's-a wrong?**

**I feel-a dere's someting-a wet**

**Upon-a your 'air.**

**Ey-ponine-a, you're-a hurt.**

**You need-a some-a 'elp!**

**Oh God, eet's-a everywhere!**

Erik:

**Don't you fret**

Mademoiselle Toad

**I don't feel any pain **other than my ears

**A little fall of rain** or collapse of pitch

**Can hardly hurt me now.**

**You're here!**

**That's all I need to know **to kill me.

**And you will keep me **moaning

**And you will keep me **writhing

**And **pain** will make** my eardrums blow!

Carlotta:

My voice ees-a fine, you jerk!

I hate-a you all-a!

By God-a, I will-a rejoice-a

When-a you fall-a!

Erik:

**A breath away from where you are**

I wish I could run very far...

Carlotta:

**Don't-a you fret**

**My-a dear **Opera Ghost

**You won't-a feel any pain-a**

Until I crush-a your brain

And then it all goes-a dark!

My voice

Erik:

Is ruining my ears!

**And you will keep me** moaning

Carlotta:

I will-a hate-a you, until your-a dying day!

Erik:

**And you will keep me **writhing

Carlotta:

My voice

Erik:

The pain

**Will make** my eardrums... blow.

_(He goes limp. Carlotta ignores the Authoress's gestures to kiss his forehead, and simply dumps him out of her lap, gets to her feet, kicks him, and stomps away.)_

Authoress: I guess now would not be a good time to tell her that her beloved Pirelli is really Irish.


	30. The Night of Anguish

A/N- AngelMusic's review hurts my feelings. This is a humor fic! Horror? No, not at all. I am going somewhere with this, but I was aiming more for "ludirous" than "horrifying." I feel mistrusted.

* * *

_(The various POTO characters—and Bahorel, Toby, and Pirelli—are standing alone in the theatre.)_

Raoul: Wait... didn't there used to be a whole bunch of guys who looked alike in here?

Erik: Yeah... there were.

Buquet: Who got rid of them?

Madame Giry: Well, you know it wasn't the Authoress.

Carlotta: 'Oo-ever eet was, eet-a must 'af been one of us.

Gothmeg: I swear to God, whoever did it—I love you. Seriously. Marry me? Even if it's Erik!

_(The Authoress is sitting alone, swaying back and forth and chanting to herself.)_

Raoul: Um... Miss? Where did they go?

Christine: Who got rid of them for us?

_(The Authoress leaps to her feet.)_

Authoress:

Gentlemen, our benefactor on this lovely day,

Whose charity is only matched by talent, I must say

A new member of the Crazy-Long Spoof Fic avant-garde:

Angel Dumott Schunard!

_(And Angel enters. For those deprived persons who have yet to see the RENT movie, he is a relatively good-looking girl who is, yes, a man. Don't worry about it. Basically, she/he's freaking adorable.)_

Angel:

Today for you, tomorrow for me!

It was my lucky day today on

Mind Level A

When the Authoress, poor dearie,

Came skippin' my way.

She said "Dahling, be a dear.

Haven't updated in a year!

I need your help to make this crazy group

Of Depps disappear!

I invited them,

Asked for them,

Yes all that's true.

Yet their presence is only serving

To make the characters blue.

I wanted them here, I know,

But now I find

That though they're hot they're making

My poor readers lose their mind!"

Now who could foretell

That it would go so well?

For sure as I am here

Those Depps are not in here as well.

Today for you, tomorrow... for me!

Authoress: Huh. That was the most retarded song parody I've ever written.

Gerard Alessandrini: It's not so easy, eh?

Authoress: Clearly not.

Christine: Wait... so, what happened?

Authoress: Angel got rid of the Depps for me. She played a big bucket like a drum for an hour and they all swan-dove from the window ledge of the twenty-third story.

_(Several readers look shocked.)_

Authoress: I'm just kidding, don't worry! I locked them all in my attic with my other kidnapped invisible character friends!

_(No one seems reassured.)_

Erik: Wait... I thought you loved those guys.

Authoress: Yeah... but I was getting confused. And now I'm in love with Angel... which is allowed without people calling me gay, because technically Angel is a man.

Raoul: _That's_ a man?

Authoress: Technically. Shut up. I'm in love with the RENT movie, okay? Because Angel's sweet and adorable and Roger looks like a puppy and Mark needs a hug!

Raoul: ...Right.

Authoress: Shut up. I'm going to marry Wilson Jermaine Heredia so there.

Raoul: Who?

Authoress: Wilson! He's the guy who played Angel. He got a Tony for it too.

Erik: To get a Tony, wouldn't one have to be a Broadway star?

Authoress: Yeah. Wait... how'd you know that, you nineteenth century character, you?

Erik: I just do.

Authoress: Ah.

Raoul: Aren't most Broadway actors homosexual?

Authoress: What? Raoul! You don't even know what opium is!

Raoul: What?

Authoress: What's happening with you guys?

Firmin: What are the chances that your Wilson whatever-it-is actually likes girls?

Authoress: "Likes girls"? Since when do you say things like that? And since when are you back?

André: And doesn't your Wilson play a cross-dresser in RENT?

Authoress: Yes! HOW DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW THESE THINGS?

Madame Giry: If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what they're going on about.

Authoress: THANK you!

Erik: Honestly, though, what are the chances that your Wilson could ever actually even look at you as a member of the opposite sex?

Authoress: Shut up, you freaks! I shall answer you... in song.

_(Breaking into another crappy rewrite of Today 4 U.)_

Authoress:

It was my lucky day one day

On the movie database

When I saw a topic asking

"Is he really gay?"

I said, "Wilson, my dear,

Please tell me you aren't queer!

'Cos if you are I feel my love for you

Might disappear!"

I crossed my fingers

These singers

Are always gay

Espesh'lly if they get their start on

Broadway

And what do I see

But Wilson with a "she"

It's true that he likes girls

And soon he'll be with me

I say

Today with her, tomorrow with me

Today with her, tomorrow with me!

I agreed she was cute,

And a blonde to boot, yes sir!

But I'm psycho, coming after her!

I'll go after her kneecaps

Or her perfect face

It won't take long until this chick

Is a disgrace! I feel that

Wilson

Won't go on

Without a girl

To prove that kissing other guys

Will make him hurl!

What Angel did with Collins

That's not his thing

He'll prove the alto voice part

Isn't all he'll sing!

Today with her, tomorrow with me!

Today with her, tomorrow with me!

Sing it! Today with her, tomorrow with me!

Today with her, tomorrow

Woh-oh-oh-oh!

With me!

Raoul: _(to Erik and the managers)_ Maybe we should forget the plan. She seems kind of vicious.

Firmin: _(covering his kneecaps)_ I agree with number two.

Erik: Oh, come on! Just wear shinguards!

Authoress: Shinguards? Is that how you spell that? Microsoft Word doesn't think so... Wait... what about shinguards?

Erik: Um... Raoul is a fop?

Raoul: No I'm not.

Erik: Yes you are.

Authoress: Okay, guys, break it up! We have to go on with the show! What's next? Erik, you're Enjolras, right? And Raoul is Marius... Éponine just died, right? Yeah... Okay, get onstage or be... um... hurt!

Erik: Oh, eek.

Raoul: Yikes.

_(They get in their positions.)_

Erik:

**She is the first to fall**

**The first of us to fall upon this barricade**

Raoul:

**Her name was Éponine**

**Her life was cold and dark**

**Yet she was unafraid**

Erik:

**We fight here in her name**

**She will not die in vain**

**She will not be betrayed...**

_(He runs and climbs to the top of the barricade.)_

**Here comes a man in uniform What brings you to this place?**

_(As Valerik)_

**I come here as a volunteer!**

_(As Joly)_

**Approach and show your face!**

**You wear an army uniform**

_(As Valerik)_

**That's why they let me through! **

_(As Joly)_

**You've got some years behind you sir**

_(As Valerik)_

**There's much that I can do**

_(As Joly, then Grantaire)_

**You see that prisoner over there?**

_(Points to whoever the heck is playing Javert now)_

**A volunteer like you!**

**A spy who calls himself Javert**

**He's gonna get it too!**

**They're getting ready to attack!**

**Take this **_(giving himself a gun...)_ **and use it well**

**But if you shoot us in the back**

**You'll never live to tell!**

_Running up the barricade again.)_

**Platoon of sappers advancing toward the barricade!**

**Troops behind them, fifty men or more!**

_(Jumping down)_

**Fire!**

_(Erik collapses in a pile of exhaustion. Raoul cannot help but laugh. Hysterically.)_

Raoul: That was fun to watch.

Erik: Shut up, number t... fop.

Raoul: You shut up!

Authoress: Come on, guys!

Angel: 'Scuse me, sugar, but who's playing the boy with the big sideburns?

Authoress: What, sweetie? I dunno, I lost track. It's either me or Bahorel or Montparnasse or... something. I think it was a monkey at one point.

Angel: Can I do it next, honey?

Authoress: Sure, darlin'.

Buquet: You know... between the two of them, if I hear one more endearment I may vomit.

Authoress: Oh, hush. So tune in next update, whenever that may be... for Angel-ness, a possible return of a few Depps, and... erm... whatever. Wow, this fic is so sadly deserted.


	31. Surprise Ending!

A/N- AHHH! SORRY! I haven't died, I promise. I made one of my friends promise that if I ever died she would go onto fanfiction dot net and tell everyone, so they would know not to hate and/or expect updates from me. And I also made my mom promise to type up and post the rest of the unedited version of Charmer of the Shadows... but I digress, no? So much has happened since last update... I'll try to communicate it all through this chapter so as to avoid overly-long Author's notes.

As you can see, this is the final chapter. Why the sudden ending? Well, this is actually the ending I've been planning, which you can almost see if you look back a few chapters. I intended to due it later, but I don't feel funny anymore and the fic has lost both momentum and reviews, so I decided to put it down. Good ol' TNP... Now I feel like we should watch some sort of memorial clip montage video thing...

* * *

_(An old woman is walker-ing her way across the stage. None of the others are apparent. Again the poof of smoke appears and the Authoress enters.)_

Authoress: Hi guyss! Didja miss me?

_(No one answers.)_

Authoress: Helloo?

_(She spots the old woman.)_

Authoress: Yo, old chick! Um... lady? 'Scuse me... Have you seen any of the POTO guys? Ya know... Erik... Raoul... Christine...

Old Lady: What's that, dearie?

Authoress: HAVE. YOU. SEEN. ANY. BODY. AROUND. THIS. THEATRE?

Old Lady: Of course, honey. They're exploring.

Authoress: Oh. And... who are you?

Old Lady: My name is Lotte, child. Yours?

Authoress: Erin Montparnasse the Magical Authoress of Doom, Sporadic Updates, and Fading Humor.

Old Lady: Pleasure. _(She walkers away)_

Authoress: Huh. She sort of reminded me of Wobby!Raoul from the POTO flick. GASP! Lotte! That was Little Lotte, Raoul and Christine's baby! Man, I've been gone for a real long time!

_(She points to the ceiling and the POTO characters fall onto the floor in a heap.)_

Authoress: HI!

_(She is answered by assorted groans.)_

Authoress: Guess what! I had the musical review in, like, January and February, and then the next month I played viola in the pit of this musical at another school, and then I had to study for the AP exams, not to mention I'm working on a new project called The Music That's Not Right (check it out on my website!), and then I got sick, and there was the horrible case of writer's block... But I'm back! And Microsoft Word would like to inform me that that was a run-on sentence!

_(The characters all look at her stiffly.)_

Authoress: Um... what's wrong?

_(No response.)_

Authoress: Yeesh.

_(She reads over a few old chapters.)_

Authoress: Hey, look! Raoul and Erik and the managers were acting weird last time!

(_The characters have surrounded her.)_

Authoress: And now you're all acting weird. What's this about?

_(They tie her up, duct tape her mouth, and prop her in a chair.)_

Authoress: Mmmmhhhmmgg?

_(A voice booms across the theatre a la Phantom. Yet it is not the Phantom...)_

Voice: **YOU DECLARED WAR ON ME, YOU INSIGNIFICANT! YOU ROBBED ME OF MY ROLE AND MY ACCENT! BUT NOW, NOW I HAVE REPLACED ALL OF YOUR BELOVED CHARACTERS—AND THE ONES YOU HATE—WITH ROBOTS AND SENT THE REAL CHARACTERS HOME!**

Authoress: MmmMhh?

Caps Lock Voice of Doom: **YES, YOU RECOGNIZE ME! OR PERHAPSA YOU CANNA RECOGNIZE-A ME NOW!**

Authoress: Mmhhmmhh?

Voice: **NO, NOTTA CARLOTTA! DO I SOUNDA LIKE A WOMAN TO YOU?**

Authoress: Mhh! Mggg!

Voice: **WHAT? PIRELLI? WHO EES-A PIRELLI?**

Authoress: Mg. Mhgghh?

Voice: **FRANZ-A LISZT? WHAT? NO, YOU LEETLE EEMBECILE-A! EET EES-A I... PIANGI!**

Authoress: Mmmmgg!

_(Ubaldo Piangi steps into the light. His army of robo-POTO _characters_ lines up behind him.)_

Piangi: We haf-a outta smarted zees Aut'oress, and-a now she must-a die. And-a, se fic shall-a be over. Eet-a doesn't-a really matter anyway, cos nobody wants-a to read eet.

_(The army of robots closes in, with Piangi at the lead. Old!Lotte wanders in, waves to them, and walkers away.)_

Lotte: Oh, how those little dears love to wrestle...

**THE END.**


End file.
